Empty

I spend a lot of time, trying to fill myself up with things I think will make me feel whole. The problem is, in my search of identity and belonging, I'm starting to feel like I am limiting myself. It is what I want, yet at the same time, I rebel against the idea. I don't want to be limited.

I'm starting to believe that my search for stability and identity is futile. I've lived in the chaos far too long to be comfortable with anything else. And in a way, I'm grateful. My live is messy, sure, and makes no sense. But it's eye-opening in it's uncertainty, and made me think about a lot of things I probably never would've considered if my life was a bit more... 'normal'.

When I see myself living the life I dream of, I see myself wandering and flitting from one place to another, opening myself up to the world and what it has to offer as I explore and deepen my understanding of it. But in order to do that, I need to be empty. I need to be neutral, an empty vessel, people can pour a piece of themselves into. I need to be an nonthreatening outsider who simply wants to observe and passively experience the lives of others, listen to their stories, be a part of their world without affecting it.

I want to be everything and nothing at once. 

Which makes sense, considering how empty I've become.

Here's to trying to fill myself up.

--Karin Novelia, idk.

Starting Over

Hello, reader.

It's been a while. Been too long really.

In case you're not up to date with my messy life, I recently moved to the United States (wut). And a lot of things have happened in the span of 2 and a half months. I don't even know where to begin.

Long story short, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about what has happened to me lately, and well what has happened in my life in general. And maybe it's time that I sort through them and hopefully at the end of it, emerge as a somewhat more well-adjusted and functional human being. 

'Cuz let's be honest adulting is hard. Being a person is hard.

And if I've learned anything this year, it's that I need to stop half-assing all attempts at life.

So here's hoping that this little post is a push in the right direction.

Thanks for reading.

--Karin Novelia, i have no idea what i'm doing but i'm doing it anyway

Defaults

What do you do when your heart feels like it's too big for your chest? Is there any way to cut it open and tear it out, at least to lighten up the load by letting it bleed out?

I came across a book. It's called Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. I was expecting it to be good, but definitely wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting to read myself on paper. I wasn't expecting to be confronted with some of my most inner thoughts, ones that I pushed aside with good reason. I was expecting feels, but not like this. Not the bad kind.

It's a bit scary when a book reminds you of yourself so much. It forces you to think about things you'd otherwise ignore, to look deep inside yourself.

"Why do we write fiction?"

To disappear. 

The good thing about fictional writing is that they are fictional for a reason. They don't mirror real life. Or at least, they don't mirror your own life. A good relatable story is like an alternative universe. A different pathway of what ifs and could've beens that your life might have taken, but didn't. In a way, it's fun. You get to experience all that shit without actually experiencing it.

And then you catch yourself wishing you actually did experience it. Even the bad. You start wishing for the bad. What's worse is when you start wishing you could be a certain character. Especially the ones that seemingly contradict your own nature, contradict your default state.

I like to say that being a bitch is my default. And I say it like it's true. And I kind of believe it is. But I also wish I didn't. Because it's not true. Not really.

I realized being a bitch isn't my default. Or at least it didn't start out that way. A lot of my life, most of my childhood and my early teenage years are a bit of a blur. Possibly because I blocked out most memories. Or rather, they weren't really memorable to begin with.

I hate the fact that nothing really interesting happens to me. Even if some drama comes my way, I can never be 100% sure that it wasn't all a story I made up in my head. In a way, the story of my life has pretty much been written in stone. I am the good girl. The one who chooses to stay in her room than go out with friends. Who would rather live in a fictional world than a real one. The girl who works hard and will probably end up in a steady, if not dull, career. Live a pretty normal life. Have her shit together.

That's the story I see written out for me. And I don't like it one bit.

So I've taken the pages and put them through the shredder. Sure, I won't deny that I tend to retreat into myself. Rather than act out, I act in. I am reserved, calm. Yes, shy. But I refuse to let that hold me back. I refuse to let that be all I am. And so instead of having 'goody-two shoes' as a default, I rewrote it to 'bitch'.

Because I want to be that girl. The girl who carries herself with confidence and fakes coolness with ease. The girl who can walk into a room and make heads turn. The girl who can flitter around a room, make small talk and mingle. The girl who doesn't care about what people say. A 'bitch', in a sense. Is it unhealthy, wishing for this? No. Not if it pushes me to be a better person.

And I do want this. So badly. I want to be able to decide that I want to go to a party or a hangout or just go out and be social, and not have to worry about withdrawing so much into myself that I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. I want to be able to be confident enough to say what's on my mind without worrying if I sound stupid or crazy.

I want to go to parties and stay up late with my friends and go on spontaneous trips abroad. I want to all the things that "people like me" normally wouldn't do, because I want to do them. And maybe that's the part of me that doesn't make me quite like those "people like me". I genuinely want to experience life.

I want to be unapologetically enthusiastic about life. I want to be a nerd. And not just behind closed doors.

And I can't do that if I keep on being a 'good girl', all safe and cozy in the comfort of her own bedroom.

I'm wearing a pair of goody-two shoes and these, dear readers, are my ruby slippers. They pinch my toes and move my legs against my will, and I can never take them off. Not unless I chop my legs off. And I see myself doing so in the future. Repeatedly.

No. Actually, I am doing it now. Taking a chainsaw to those damned shoes, and slipping on a pair of high-heeled stilettos instead. My Dad said I am too social. I laughed for ages afterwards. Because he doesn't know how anti-social I really am. But in light of recent times, even I must admit that I am being really social lately. I am putting an effort to go out and meet people, even though it feels unnatural, against my so-called 'default'.

Perhaps, I will never be able to rewrite my default again. Being nice to people, even begrudgingly, is in my nature. My Mom always says that I'm "too nice" for my own good. That doesn't stop me though now, does it? And being a bitch is sort of wired into my DNA now too. When you try so hard to rebel against yourself, it does tend to come off the wrong way. And it sticks.

But I think I can do this. Develop the ability to be outgoing and 'extroverted' (I kind of dislike using that word -- 'introverted' too). And even if I never truly acquire it, at least I can learn how to fake it. All the way.

I don't know how to end this post.

Let's just say I am... feeling ambitious lately.

Cheers.

--Karin Novelia, Rebelling Against Herself

Never Enough

If you're new to this blog, then one simple fact that you should know about me is that I am the type of person who wants a lot out of life. And I mean, a lot.

Growing up, whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never had one solid answer. In my mind, I had this entire list of things I wanted to at least experience, at least try. Once I joined my school's dance crew in primary school, I started having these dreams of becoming a dancer. Once I started getting into reading fiction, I had these ideas of becoming a writer. I am starting to see that I am easily impressionable, at least when it comes to the positive (slightly glamourized?) side of things. If you show me how something, like a career path, can be fulfilling and gratifying in it's own way, then I might be persuaded to consider it.

Perhaps it is both a blessing and a curse, having this urge to do so much with your life that you become driven to go out there and go after your dreams. But it is also terrifying.

Newton's First Law of Motion goes a little something like this: an object at rest will remain at rest, and an object in motion will continue to move at a constant speed in a straight line. This is otherwise known as Law of Inertia -- the reluctance of something to change it's state of motion.

I am a person who has a lot of metaphorical inertia. When I start to slow down and lose interest in something, even for the briefest of moments, I find it a bit hard to get the engine started again. I have been there, at a point where things just felt pointless and meaningless and so I just stopped trying. But when I did find the urge to try again, I realized that I was emotionally and mentally stuck.

This is a state I try very hard to avoid. I do things to distract myself from those crippling emotions, even when they just creep up ever so slightly. I have been doing a good job of maintaining a decent amount of energy and highness lately, but... average levels are starting to feel insufficient.

I have always been wary of my expectations, and I spend quite a lot of time trying to moderate them, toning them down to save myself from disappointment. And that works, to a degree. But I'm starting to wonder if tempering my expectations is preventing me from reaching higher standards.

The other side of this inertia problem, is that once I get going, it find it very hard to stop. And contrary to what Newton believed, I don't move at a constant speed. I move at a constant acceleration, at with every little victory and accomplishment, I will always be left wanting more and I guess I'm just afraid that nothing will ever be enough. So I deny myself even the idea of more, because on the off chance that I actually do achieve more I don't want to risk my ego and my desire going out of control.

This fear, though reasonable, is also a bit irrational. Why the hell am I playing martyr and denying myself the very things I want out of life? Life is scary, life is tricky and life is definitely not easy. But being afraid and worrying about things, doesn't help either.

Feelings of fear and inadequacy aside, if I'm going to really start being the best me I can be, I need to be smart about it. I do have a tendency to spread myself thin, and though juggling so many things can be stressful and demanding, I actually believe that I can handle it. But being willing to take on so much and dedicating so much of your time to things that can classified as 'work' also means killing some of your darlings and sacrificing a lot of your 'me' time. I guess before I can take the next step, I need to decide how much I'm willing to give up in order to start meeting those 'high' standards of mine.

A lot of successful people are where they are now because they put in the time and the effort to do what was necessary, they put in the work and the practice to be masters at their craft and take advantage of their opportunities. That's a notion that gives me hope and motivation to actually go for this, but then I also realize that most of these people only really focus on one thing, that one thing that they are naturally good at. And I can't bring myself to choose just one thing.

And maybe I don't have to. At least, not yet.

It's unsettling. For a while now -- perhaps for far too long -- I have felt suffocated by my own indifference and apathy. And here we are, at the other side, and I don't know if this is better. Feeling dwarfed by the sheer enormity of my own ambitions.

Thinking about the future, I've decided not to quantify my life and see its value solely on the number of achievements I manage to attain. Instead I want to look back on my life and see the value of the richness of my experiences, good and even bad.

I used to think that being happy was the goal in life, y'know? The one goal I need to achieve to not die with any regrets. I think I need a little bit more than that. Happiness is good, but something about the concept also seems fleeting. What I need to search for is some peace of mind.

The path to reach that point, will be littered with obstacles. It will be an uphill battle, and maybe the only way to get some peace of mind isn't to realize all the dreams I have in my head. What I need to do is to at least try.

Who knows how this will turn out. By the time I find out, it will be too late to do anything about it.

Maybe this'll work.

Or maybe....

This'll never be enough.

--Karin Novelia, Having Enough With Being Stuck

Valid.

The tricky thing about self-restraint is that no one sees how much effort you put into controlling yourself but you. It's really frustrating since people can only really see how far you can be pushed when you've reached your limit and self-destruct. Even then they may not be able to see it. And by then, it's too late to take anything back and it definitely won't be a pretty sight.

I have realized that our lives happen within ourselves. External forces may conspire and cause things to happen to us, but our lives become things that we process inwardly into words and images, thoughts and feelings. And all of this, all that we think, all that feel and all that we... imagine... are things that only we can see and it's not easy to share our inner musings with someone and have them truly understand.

Regardless of that fact, we still try. We try to put into words all that goes on inside our heads and share what we feel with other people. And there are moments when that other person does understand. And moments like those are almost magical, because two disparate, and possibly very different minds, have found common ground. Two people, in this random and erratic world, have made a connection.

On the other hand, there are those moments when, in trying to connect, words fail you or prejudice and preconceptions get in the way of bridging that gap of understanding. And those moments are terrifying, especially when you have put yourself in such a vulnerable position by opening up, because not only do you feel like you are being misjudged, you also realize that the other person, the person who somehow made you feel comfortable enough to trust them, doesn't understand you as much as you believed they would.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that friends and family always have to be on the same page. But when the other person not only doesn't understand what you're trying to say but also makes no attempt to try to do so, that is where certain lines may be crossed. It is in those instances that some people may decide to show a severe lack of empathy and (perhaps very unintentionally) belittle your opinions and invalidate your feelings.

I am the type of person who is very much stuck in her own head. It's up in the clouds, and no matter how hard I try to anchor it back down to earth, my thoughts simply spiral out of control and escape me. They venture into the darkest places and my mind is not the prettiest place to be.

I don't know. I guess one flaw of mine is that I tend to open up too easily and to the wrong people, perhaps out of the belief that doing so and being understood, will make me feel less insane. Because I certainly have been feeling a bit mental, lately.

It's just all in your head.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that sentence in these past 2 years alone and hearing it again just a few days ago was just a bit more than I could take. Here I was, pouring out everything about something that I struggle with so, so much, already feeling like I am fuckin' crazy and to be told that, it just... it just doesn't leave a good taste in your mouth.

There is a reason why people find it hard to open up. The last thing you should tell them is that their feelings are invalid.

By telling someone that it's all in their head you are not only dismissing their thoughts and feelings, you are also rendering them insignificant and unreasonable. It is important to realize that even though you may strongly see it that way, the other person who is sharing their inner demons with you, thinks those demons are very, very real, even if they end up being merely shadows on the wall.

I will admit though, that there are times when I just let my imagination get carried away and let my thoughts run away from me and I end up seeing things that aren't really there, and giving significance and meaning to things that are, in the end, quite meaningless.

It's like when someone you have a crush on suddenly texts you out of the blue and you wonder does he like me? ohmygod what if he does and with every LOL and smiley face that he sends, that sentiment somehow becomes more true, even when in reality, it isn't. And that's a perfectly normal thing to do.

It is perfectly normal for us to project what we wish for and what we desire onto the things that actually happen to us in real life. It is perfectly normal to hope that life has something good in store for us, to believe that good things will happen in our lives and that we deserve them.

Something HAS to happen for you, right. There has to be this grand masterplan behind everything, a major plot, a movie-like storyline.

Well, reality is all that we have and really, nothing very dramatic happens in real life.

As I read these words -- these tweets -- I can't help but feel that someone is using my biggest fear against me and driving it like knives into my heart. My biggest fear that one day I will wake up, horribly disillusioned with life (already been there, sort of, to be honest) and have this crippling realization that everything good and meaningful in my life has all been a lie, all been a story I made up in my head.

Mundane and flat and much less interesting than in movies, and of course life also lacks glamourized stories or events or feelings but yeah.

I mean, a lot of people are living just fine without any of these problems so why are you making them exist when they can not?

Is that what I'm doing? Am I rewriting the actual story of my life into some sort of movie? Am I seizing every little moment and spinning it into its own dramatic tale by giving it meaning and a deep, underlying purpose? Am I exaggerating things, making my own problems and giving myself my own tragic backstory so I feel less... dull?

Maybe I am. But maybe that also doesn't matter.

I have to disagree with these words, because I refuse to believe that mundane and boring is all there is to life. Even if maybe that is all there is to it, I refuse to stop hoping for more, I refuse to stop reaching out for something bigger than me.

I have spent so many years now envisioning this amazing life that I am going to build for myself. Maybe my standards are too high, but life has so far left me bitterly disappointed. And I can't stand feeling like my life doesn't have meaning. So I project. I reach. I cut myself to remind myself that I can still bleed.

As I said, life happens within ourselves. And if we fail to react to life naturally and let ourselves experience it inwardly, we fail to find any significance. Even if that significance is something that comes from somewhere that's all in your head, it still is something we believe and we find meaningful and it doesn't matter if no one else agrees or sees it that way.

The worse thing about all this is that I actually believed it. I actually believed that what I was experiencing and feeling and all that happened really was all in my head. There is only one thing worse than listening to people doubt your sanity and that's listening to yourself having those same doubts.

I guess, sometimes, having everything happen exclusively in my head is necessary. It is necessary to save myself from the mundane, and to save myself from that tiny little voice in my head.

And really, sometimes we all twist reality into something more palatable, twist it to suit our own fantasies, because it's one way of getting by. It is one way for me to push away that cold, sinking feeling of numbness that resides within the hole in my chest.

Maybe I am overly dramatic, and maybe I am fucking insane, but you know what, I don't see anything wrong with that. Being this way is a reminder that I am invested in my life, and I care enough to hope for things to happen and to attribute some meaning to the seemingly ordinary. If you live life without going through the motions and letting yourself feel what you want to feel, and without acknowledging the things that mean something to you, then mundane and flat really is all you are ever going to get. And I know that I will never give up on my life having yet found that meaning.

Some days that is a comforting thought that helps me get through the day.

And maybe life isn't like the movies. But when you think about it, movies essentially are dramatizations of real life, no matter how closely they try to resemble it. That doesn't make the messages they send and the emotions that they evoke any less valid.

If I have learned anything in my 2 years in Singapore, 2 years which have been filled with so many great highs and terrible lows that I don't even know whether I'm grateful for them or not, I've learned that what you think and what you feel are yours and they are entirely, completely and 100% valid no matter what other people say.

It is only healthy for you to acknowledge that this is how you feel and to sort through those emotions no matter how broken or messed up they seem. And you shouldn't try to sweep everything under rug by trying to convince yourself that what you feel is stupid and telling yourself that you should not feel this way, because that would only be detrimental to your sanity. The last thing you want to do is to really believe that it is. All. In. Your. Head.

It becomes more uplifting in a way, after doubting yourself so much and thinking this is as good as it'll ever get, to finally reach a point where those feelings of numbness give way to optimism and hope because then you really convince yourself that things will get better, life will work itself out and life has something amazing in store for you.

But right now, I'm finding it hard to convince myself of that. Maybe I really am just this messed up and maybe that's all I'll ever be.

I don't know.

I. Don't. Know.

-- Karin Novelia, Desperate For Some Validation

[P.S. thank you for reading. Not that anyone actually reads this blog. I hope that you managed to benefit from what I was trying to say, minus all the angst and the fact that I probably stopped making sense like 10 paragraphs ago. Don't worry, I'll feel better soon. I always do. But for now I need to sort through this. I need to let go of this. I need to let go of this person. As much as I don't want to. But that's another story. I promise that more happier posts will come. Cheers.]

I Don't Know

I think somewhere, somewhere way down the line, I stopped my brain from thinking and my heart from feeling. Out of self-defense. I don't know. I entered "automatic mode" because it was the only way I could get by. Now I can't seem to get them started again. I don't know. I can't think straight. I can't really feel. Because actually trying to means going out of that self-defense mode. It means opening myself up to hope and leaving myself vulnerable to disappointment. I don't know. I could stay like this. Settle into this routine of doing things for the sake of doing things, doing thing because I have to not because I want to. I don't know.

 

Maybe I've gotten used to being a robot that I can't function as a human being anymore.

 

I don't know.

Better Versions

Hey, hello, um, hi!

 

... Damn. I really am rusty with this thing.

 

It's been a good month or so since my last post, and that wasn't exactly a happy one either.

 

If I am being honest here, or at least as honest as I usually try to be on this blog, I fell into a bit of funk by the time I got back from the June holidays.

 

I was, for lack of a better term, depressed.

 

Now, I've had inklings of this feeling creep on me before and they were never this bad. They were fleeting, at best, only temporary.

 

But this time... this time was different.

 

It was the kind of depression that was stifling, crippling. It really inhibited my ability to fully function and emote. It was scary. Really scary. And in the midst of my lacking emotions, I found that in my struggles to actually feel something I was lashing out, holding on to the pettiest feeling of irritation and anger, simply because they were there, they were accessible, they were the easiest thing to hold on to.

 

Long story short, I was a bitch for quite a while. There was damage done, some of which is still apparent, but hopefully can be patched over. Sometimes, it seems like it's irreparable. I guess that's my own fault.

 

Good news, though, I'm getting better. One main reason I think lead to the depression getting so bad was my initial refusal to acknowledge it. Although I said it was crippling and limited my ability to function, I could still push on. Keep Calm and Carry On as the Brits say. It made me incredibly guilty to even think about calling what I felt 'depression' because I know that other people have it a lot worse, other people can barely get out bed, other people have better reasons to be depressed. What was I doing? All I was being was ungrateful.

 

This change however, when I came across an article on the Internet. It was entitled Walking Depression and it described exactly what I was feeling, and perhaps what I knew all along but found no justification to properly acknowledge.

 

Walking depression is the type of depression that most people might face at some point in there live. It's the kind of dissatisfaction that makes it just a little bit harder to get out of bed. But you get up anyway. It's the kind of sadness that makes your days a little less brighter. But you go on and study and work and be productive anyway. Being functional is all fine and dandy but what's the point if you feel so unhappy?

 

Disillusioned. That was a word I attributed a lot to this, um, phase. It was like I was pushed, head first, into an empty swimming pool called reality, one that called that I be practical and let myself die a bit inside to 'succeed'. I wasn't really functioning. I wasn't really living. I was... trudging. That was another word that seemed so apt. I was being a soldier, keeping my head down, shoulders hunched, carrying on with no complaints.

 

Thank God that's over with.

 

You might be asking, what changed then? Well, acknowledging that I was unhappy was a nice first step. It gave me this sense of clarity and determination to find some way to fix it. So I set aside my pride, put down my armor. I apologized to people who needed to know how sorry I was. I tried looking out for more silver linings. I stopped being so hard on myself and occasionally let myself feel. I realized that I've been blowing a lot of responsibilities off -- and though it was too late to fix that, it was never to late for redemption. I reminded myself of the things that I love and why I do things that people may not approve of just because they think that having different priorities somehow makes me less of a person than them. The end goal wasn't necessarily to feel happy -- just okay enough to see the point in everything again.

 

I've been a bit interested in matters of the mind, and if you take the more scientific approach, how the brain works. Psychology and psychiatry are apparently two entirely separate fields. A recent article my tuition teacher gave me was even on anxiety. I've just finished a book entitled Hector and the Search for Happiness which talked about well, happiness, the way we perceive and process it in our brains.

 

I tend to say that I'm just a messed-up, giant ball of neuroses and perhaps that's true. Though from what I read, I don't fit neatly into one category. I have the faults of both ends of the spectrum apparently. I even came across a Tumblr post which nicely describes it.

 

So yeah. I think I just really needed to get this off my chest.

 

But, please tune in very soon as I'll definitely be posting some more positive posts :)

 

Look out for my OBS post and my latest initiative, something like a Learning Journal (sounds lame, but give me some time to think of something catchy). I'm trying my hardest not to lose interest in studies, but studying never really appealed to me. Learning, however, does. And I find that most of the time, I'm digesting things but not really processing them and spitting out some thoughts. Hopefully this Learning Journal will help me not only to express myself but to keep my interest burning strong. It of course won't be limited to what I learn in school. It could be about anything really, from what I thought about a TV show, a movie to classical music, the arts like Vincent van Gogh. The works. Mind you, this Journal will basically be a puke space of creativity, so don't expect any coherence of thought that I don't really have time to do anyway.

 

I really think I'm in a good place now. OBS, which was this outdoor camping course, was uplifting (but more about that later) and strengthened my resolve to be someone people can look up to. I once said that every time I looked into the mirror, I didn't really like who I saw -- this Paper Girl who was flimsy, thin and fake.

 

That Girl's gone. Maybe not completely, but I'm getting there.

 

And now, when I look in the mirror, I see a sincere smile, a slight glint in my eyes. I see a better version of me.

 

Let's hope there's only more good things to come.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

--Karin Novelia, Feeling So Better After a Long Time

And It All Comes Down To This

It's been 3 months now into the year 2012. Maybe it's a bit too early, but seriously, things have been pretty hectic around here. The 9th grade really kicked itself up a notch by throwing an array of tests, quizzes, Tryouts, Practical Exams and drama, and I must say I'm a bit overwhelmed.

Most overwhelming thing of all? Well, I'm not sure if I've written anything about here before, but I signed myself up for a scholarship application in Singapore. And guess what? I got it.

Now, before you throw congratulations around, I'm still not sure how I feel about this scholarship thing, about a month later since signing a damn contract.

First of all, the test was a bit... easy. Mathematics weren't always my forte, but the limited time also was a main factor in me not finishing the 2 hour test of 30 something questions. The English one was also surprisingly easy. The other applicants in my school took a special preparation course called Ignatius, and the kind of question they gave them were far more advanced then what was being tested.

I honestly did not expect me to get a chance at that scholarship. I mean, I was in the mindset that the standards would be very high. And passing, well... makes you wonder doesn't it?

After the written tests, I was asked to come to Hotel Atalia for an interview. I skip school the next day, but it turns out I have no ride. Rotten luck, you'd probably think, right? Wrong. I was thinking it was the world conspiring, strengthening the idea that this scholarship thing wasn't meant to be.

And then my Mom goes into super mode and orders us a cab. Interviews weren't that nerve-wracking, though the wait was boring and prolonged. Speaking in English was definitely an advantage, and a few hours later the results were posted and ta-daa! My name was on it.

Of course there was some sense of mirth. I practically tried bailing on interviews, I get the scholarship anyway. Twisted kind of punishment, I suppose. Then there was a tad sense of accomplishment. I did it. I actually got it. Then of course, the whole ease of it all nagged a the back of my mind, and I was starting to wonder if it was going to be worth it in the end.

So why did I end up signing my name? Not for personal reasons, obviously.

When I first considered applying, I asked my parents, of course. But as usual, they provided adequate freedom and close to no input. So I figured I'd apply. I didn't expect to get it, anyway. If I did, did that mean I have to take it? I later found out that I sort of had to. Something to do with courtesy and social niceties and avoid being blacklisted, which I still cannot manage to fully comprehend (inner sociopath talking, guys).

I also pondered on the slim chance that I did get accepted. A few factors did jump at me. First, the financial burden would be almost non-existent. On a full scholarship. That meant my parents wouldn't have to spent so much money on my education. Speaking form the heart, my family's not exactly poor, but their not like most kids whose parents make so much more.

I'm taking this scholarship more for them than me. I can still remember the look on my Mom's face when I told her. She looked so happy, so relieved. She also looked at me so... proud.

Sure, the prospect of living on my own, more independantly, appealed to me, as I continued to talk myself into this. But it also seemed a bit lonely. A proper school, with proper facilities and a better curriculum, would help bring out the best in me. Wasn't I always feeling so unchallenged here? But it also seems like a lot of pressure.

When ever I feel like bailing, giving up, not set myself up for a life of stress and expectations of perfection, and opt for settling for a live a little more ordinary. A little more safe.

Hell. What was I thinking? I'm through with being ordinary. I want to be extraordinary. I want to go far.

But as much as I want to be the best I can be, something keeps on asking me to stay. My family. I practically act as the glue for the disfunctionality. If I left, how long would they last before they unravel?

Would it be worth it to go abroad, study, become highly-educated and successful and perhaps rich and famous, but leaving my family behind albeit for just a few years? Or would it be better to stay and just look after them, settle for being an auto-dictact and learn about the world from the confines of home, as long as I stayed with family?

I'm getting a little emo here, I know. In hindsight, it might be better to vent here than to start talking to a skull.

Laterz.

-- Planning Out The Future, Karin Novelia

So Much To Look Forward To

New Year's Eve has always been celebratory. You go out, have a nice time, milking the last few hours in the year for what it's worth. You can't help but be a little nostalgic and reflect back on the year. Can you believe it? Another year has just gone by, poof, just like that.

And honestly, my year has definitely been one hell of a ride.

Keeping a blog was one thing I always was determined to keep. It's like this diary of mine, a record of what's happened, something I'll want to read back on in the future, something that will show me, and others, what has happened in my life, what I've gone through and what progress I've made.

I spent the last few days re-reading my old blog posts, and honestly I'm just about close to tears. So in this 2011 recap post, I'll be attaching links of related posts throughout. I'm not sure how to recap this year, since I've really already written most of what happened into those individual posts.

When I first wrote this blog, I was in 7th grade. I had just begun to adjust my self from Elementary School life to Junior High, and it was a bigger leap than I thought.

The thing is about 6th grade, it's that I finally found my niche. Having moved here to Indonesia, from the Phillipines during 3rd Grade, it was like starting all over again. New school, new friends, new country, new life...

Back in the Philippines, I had what you called a sheltered life. I didn't get out of the house that often, my parents have always been protective of me. That perhaps affected my socializing abilities. I wasn't exactly shy, but I wasn't really inclined to put myself out there either. Since I went to a sort of 'International school' the foreigners were put together in the same classes, so my social cirlce only circulated between those 2 foreigner classes. I already had made a best friend, one that goes back to my very first day of school, and I grew attached to her, and our small group of friends. We weren't outcasts, but we weren't 'popular' either. We were just us, original and special in our own way, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

So the move to Indonesia was sudden, and slightly painful for me. People thought I was quiet simply because of a languange barrier. I had yet to be fluent in Bahasa Indonesia. By 6th Grade, that did change. I was comfortable now speaking Bahasa Indonesia, and it seemed that I had slipped into a leadership role in the class of 6B, even though I wasn't class president or something like that. I felt my efforts were appreciated, and that I was given the chance to be my best.

7th Grade shifted the game completely. Things just change. People become slightly more superficial, social status comes into play as we enter teen-hood. The people I once hung out with in 6th grade, started to become people who were out to take me down. I just didn't like it. The whole popular groups beginning to surface, I was prepared to be an individual. I didn't have a problem spending time on my own, I've always been like that. I was a self-proclaimed nerd, and looking at my blog posts a bit 'alay' with all the laughter, LOLs and slight craziness. Hahaha.

But I was hopeful, naive, innocent and still giving my best in the things I did, even things that many didn't believe in or thought was 'uncool'. My naivety seems to have faded over all the crap happened, but my child-like hopefullness is sometimes what keeps me going.

8th Grade, things started to become better. AYC has helped me find myself in such profound ways, it was the experience that made me a better person. I didn't feel restrained, I was given the chance to try my best, though it wasn't easy thing to do with my confidence level so low after 7th Grade.

Making friends was starting to become a challenge, with people starting to conform  to what's 'socially accepted' and pretend and divert from keeping it real. I had a slight betrayal pop up in the 7th Grade, but it taught me to forgive and forget, learn from the past and all that. This was just a crazy year for me. I found myself in my first relationship, making a new group of friends, and experiencing what was arguably one of the best classes I've been in, perhaps even better than my days in 6B. Of course, drama had to pop up too, once the 2nd semester started in 2011. The whole 'Whispers of the Crowd' twitter fiasco thing just... ugh. I'm still cringing when I remember it.

It's kinda tough rereading through my 2010 New Year's Resolutions, and seeing not many of them accomplished or improve by much. Meh.

My family problems are not things I display publicly, but let's just say, 2011 has been challenging in that prospect. The restraints seem to have gotten tighter, and though I love my parents to death, there starting to misunderstand me and my intentions even more. But I have had one of the most memorable family vacations, that made me realize that no matter what, I wouldn't stop loving my family.

Friends? Like I said, friendships have become hard to maintain. I don't like it when a friendship ends, but if it isn't really working out, or stays the same as before does anything really need to be forced? Of course, though some things have fallen out, it's nice to know who my real friends are. SHOUTOUT TO MY ONE AND ONLY SMOOCHIE: CINDY WIJAYA! :D You're awesome, girl, and have always been there for me, even if it's been like forever since we hungout. You're the one who knows all my secrets, the one person I can vent to without being judged. Love you for life :*

School: Well, entering the ninth grade, I didn't expect things to be easy, but I didn't expect them to be so hard either. I was being super optimistic, like this post points out. I was looking forward to a busy year, helping the new generation of AYC, and keeping the action plan going. I had very well 'taken the pledge'.

Turns out, 9B is an eclectic mix, just a little bit of everything and of course things are kept interesting with the friction that's bound to spark from such big, conflicting personalities. Sir Darma has been an awesome teacher. I know not many students like him, due to his tendency to be a perfectionist, but I can see past that and admire him as teacher who's just trying to do his job. He constantly reminds me that he's looking for a 'leader' in the class, but I don't know why that person has to be me. I'm not in the mood for it, especially in those dark days at the beginning of 9th Grade (partly to due to the breakup). I guess this year, I just wanted to shove everyone's expectations down the drain, stop being so hard on myself, stop trying to impress other so much and do thing's for me. I've paid attention to other people's needs for so long, maybe I just wanted to be a bit selfish this year. Though I guess that didn't last long. Haha. Like I've said, I'm too nice for my own good.

The highlights though were of course, LUMOS MAXIMA and then Teacher's Day.

Oh, and we can't forget the Love Story now, can we? 2011 was the first year I entered being in a (at the time) very hopeful and established relationship. Of course, drama followed in the last days of 8th Grade and over summer break, I had well... broken up. First heartaches, first break-ups are inevitably messy, and though I handled things well, I just kinda wished I handled things better. Like I said before, I'm an individual. I'm not a stranger to time spent alone. But suddenly losing (in a really jerk-ish way, I might add) a boyfriend -- a friend -- and all the feelings of consistency, and having someone to rely on, that of course wasn't easy.

And then entering 9th Grade, with work that I welcomed as a distraction, I was just feeling a little lost. There was the whole retreat thing, and me almost catching a 'rebound' guy but realizing that was simply horrible, and wrong. Last night, I also realized these deep feelings, for a friend that was a strong and close friend at first, but is now coming close to an ex-friend. I've written a letter to 'him' which was a good way to vent, but I'm still not sure where we stand.

Culturally and knowledge-wise, I've learned alot in 2011. I've been caught in some awesome range of TV shows from the dramatic-thiller Pretty Little Liars to the kiss-ass Sherlock on BBC. I've gone beyond just watching things to analyzing them, getting more and more curious about the behind-the-scenes process not just in TV shows but in block-buster movies as well. I'm an official movie-junkie now, just beginning to scratch the surface of cinematography.

My taste in music has also quickly expanded. I've been downloading tracks like crazy, clogging my hard-drive so fast it's basically killing the processing speed of my laptop. Noel Gallagher, The Wanted and Coldplay are a few of my most-played. I've also taken an interest into classical music, tried a bit of Tchaikovsky pieces, being drawn to the ballet-performance aspect of their uses combining the ear-pleasing compositions with visual impact. I'm thinking of trying some Chopin next, since it reminds of that PS3/Xbox360 game 'Eternal Sonata' which revolves around a fantasy world loosely based on 'Frederic Chopin'. I'm strongly attracted to playing the violin now, though it's a bit of a long shot to start taking up lessons.

Reading has sort taken a backseat to all my busy-bee days, but I'm starting to make sure that will change. I've been spending most of my holidays reading novels, the most recently finished was 'The Power of Six' the sequel to 'I Am Number Four' and next on my list is the "Peter Pan and the Starcatchers" series :) I'm also planning to spend more time reading and analyzing classics, starting of course, with the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I love how the Sherlock Holmes series is so quotable.

Besides the fictional fluff, I've been hitting a few informational books as well. Forensics science has always been an interest of mine (blame all those CSI shows, detective games and most recently Sherlock) and I'm simply sifting through articles, building up on the terminology which is of course advancely complicated. I've also started studying up on horticulture and classification of plant-life (my homeroom teacher does major in Biology).

And then there's writing, this old passion of mine. I have been keeping the pen sharp, joining my school's Skill Development Class for English Creative writing and picking up on a few of my short stories. I've also been studying the art of script-writing for well, let's just say slightly confidential purposes. For now ;)

2011, has been a tough, yet fun year. Lots of mall escapades, and 'productive hangouts' (as a friend put it) to remember on with a laugh. A lot of time spent driving away cases of boredom, having a lot of emotional feelings, and quiet nights on holidays. All of which is fine, since I'm discovering more about myself everyday.

Many people think of 2011 as one of the worst years. Maybe it's because 2012, 'the end of the world' is coming, and expectations are being set too high. The optimist inside me wants to disagree and say '2011 has been a wonderful year!' but the realist inside me solemnly agrees. Yes, 2011 has definitely been a crappy year, all in all.

There were many days spent with me keeping my head down, not feeling myself. But that gave way to feeling of optimism and days where I started looking up.

But when you've hit rock bottom, where is there to go but up?

In a nutshell, that's been my 2011. I've gone through a lot, emerging through the end of the year a much more stronger person than before.

It's okay to look back, have flashbacks and remember all the memories you've had. But don't you ever, ever let that stop you. As the inspirational Chris Colfer said, "Despite such a current challenging time, there is so much to look forward to."

"I promise, it gets so much better."

--Karin Novelia, Looking Forward To A Better Year :)

Constant State of Boredom

Christmas holidays have come. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, since I knew I wouldn't be going out much. And as I'm writing this, I'm sitting at home. There's nothing good on TV, nothing to snack on, nothing new to watch, and absolutely nothing to do.

In the words of the great Sherlock Holmes: "Dull."

I've even spend the last two days, over the course of an all-nighter that lasted until 2 am, to work on a Mathematics book that a group of friends of mine are compiling for some volunteer work. After the whole AYC thing, of course, I'm determined to keep our action-plan going. We're planning on helping their education, mainly in Maths, by writing our own book designed to help them get through their National Exams.

But the point is, I just started off my holiday not relaxing but doing work. It's not really suprising to me. That when I have nothing to do, I get this intense urge to do something productive. And those urges completely override any wants of watching TV, reading, eating or even sleeping. The last two just slow me down.

When I get bored, which is often, my mind goes to some pretty deep places. I think about things that, I guess, no one my age barely considers. I have always felt like there's something more than this mundane ordinance. All I really want is to feel something, do something extraordinary with my life.

I often say that I feel caged. Undoubtedly, it's true. Do people really think they have the right to belittle me? Just because of what, I'm a kid? Whenever I see people with talent, charisma, beauty and resources, the things that many people don't get a privilege to have, throw all their opportunities away, it pisses me off. I envy them, and berate them for being so stupid, so lethargically unmotivated.

I can't help but feel the need to scream just to be heard. To let the 'adults' see that I'm just not a normal teenage girl. To let them see that I have the motivation, the right intentions, the will to push myself and become someone that maybe comes close to perfection. Someone who will do anything to help the world, help make things better. A moot point, though. Words prove little compared to actions, so I'm left with these lingering silent screams in my head. All the while, I'm just searching for a way to prove that I am something great. Proving it more to myself, than the world, as I'm beginning to realize.

While I was working on that Math book, I kept reading back the first pages I wrote, summarazing the standard National curriculum. I kept on thinking that it was sloppy, rushed and just... bad. Perhaps, due to the fact that I set a pretty high bar for myself. But when I showed a friend, he said he was very surprised. He wasn't expecting me to have done so much in so little time. He also commented that I'm "damn good". Maybe I'm a better person than I give myself credit for.

I have a tendancy of brushing off comments like that. Like when someone congratulates me or give me kudos on getting top scores in my class, or for making a paper mache sculpture of a snowman, I politely say "Thank you" but then think "It's no big deal". Which really, it isn't. It's like no matter how well I do here, in my current environment, there's always something bigger waiting out there. Something more stimulating, more challenging.

I read on a Tumblr post once a quote that roughly goes like this: "Intelligent people are often depressed about the world, because they're they few people who understand how it really works."

Depressed. Now, that's a world that seems to have been popping into my head awhile. Not just recently. Ever since I moved here, there's always been this feeling of not belonging and being on my own. Not to say that I'm intelligent, really I'm not. I mean my Finals this term seem to have taken a nose dive. I may not comprehend algebra, or the property of cylindrical quadilaterals, but I do have a thirst for knowledge. A thirst to find somekind of meaning in life, which is starting to seem more obscure by the second.

I want to know how the world works. I want to go out there and explore. I spend so many days in the classroom, resting my chin on my hands, rifling through textbooks which I've read in advance, thinking that I'm learning things without being shown how to put them to good use. I daydream, thinking that I can do so much better. Though I enjoy learning, this pace is just too slow. I keep imagining myself in a life, where I'm being the best I can be. And I want that, so bad.

But for now, I'm bored.

--Karin Novelia, Feeling Dull.

On Holiday, On Hiatus

Hiatus is a word that basically means 'pause' or 'break'. Taking a hiatus on something means that you are giving up on something for awhile. Maybe, temporarily. Maybe, for good.

So this holiday, which is pretty much over in a couple of days, I've decided to take a 'hiatus'. A hiatus on everything that seemingly held me back. I'm gonna retrace my steps a bit, and just see the good in my life.

That started with a nice trip to a place I feel comfortable calling home: Jogja. I go to that place often, and I still remember the round trips we made every other year from the Philippines when I was still living there. Usually, we would sleep over at my Grandparent's house in Muntilan, but it was still going through some renovations after the Merapi volcano eruption.

So instead we slept over at my Mom's chilhood home in Jogja. This is the house where I spent my Indonesian childhood. And after not seeing it in so long, it was pretty nostalgic.

I just loved the homely hospitable atmosphere I got in that house and from the relatives on my Mom's side. And also the fact that I can't help but try to speak a little Javanese when I'm around them (I'm no good at it though, haha). My Mom's one out of 7 siblings, and my Dad's the eldest of 3. So the big family meetings, with my Aunts and Uncles, are well, bigger, when we visit my Mom's brothers and sisters, who have spouses and kids.

First day there, we went to Kuwaru beach, about an hour's drive from the house. It was so refreshing and relaxing. Digging my feet into the wet, cool sand, and let the waves hit my feet. I got really wet, but I didn't really care. The last time I went to the beach was, when I was four, in the Philippines. It brought back a treasured memory where I remember there was this sort of levitating rectangular rock in the water that would slowly moved back and forth across the water. I don't remember if it was like a tourist site addition or some kind of natural phenomenon that pulled the rock, but I do remember my Dad taking me by the hand to step on it, and we just rode it for a while, feeling the water, feeling the breeze...

We ended the day with a nice late lunch at a fish joint. Food was great, atmosphere was great, host was gracious and my family was really getting along. My love of seafood, especially fish was also rekindled. The first dish my Mom cooked up when we got home was grilled "Gurame". Yum! :D

Second day, we went to Ambarukkmo Plaza, a mall pretty close to our house there. We went to Timezone, and we played there for like everyday for four straight days, wasting a lot of money. I mean it's not everyday my Dad's gives us that much money to spend in and arcade. Good news is, I got surprisingly good at claw machine games and brought home four little plushies :D

Then we drove a little farther out, to this seafood joint. One made of bamboos and floated on water, one where you could even go fishing at the space provided to catch fish for you to eat. Fish was basically the only thing we ate there. Hahaha.

The next day, my Dad wanted to head out to Muntilan for his Junior High reunion. Everyone in my family five were supposed to come, meet the Grandparents and all that, but I started barfing in the wee early hours of the morning and so I had to stay behind. And just lay in bed. Drink some funky warm honey drink my uncle gave me to get better. Cautiously, and painfully slowly get food into my stomach and fight the urge to barf.

It was a lazy, unproductive sick afternoon, but it was sort of relaxing and calming, having the house sort of to myself. They have Nickelodeon, probably the only channel I don't have back at home, and time just flew by as I watched "Fairly Odd Parents" a show I missed so much. Who ever pitched the idea to crossover the Timmy Turner's and Jimmy Neutron's world, I. Love. You. Totally made my sick day a whole lot better.

My fam came back later that afternoon, with my Grandparents surprisingly, and we had a nice time together at AmPlaz. My Grandad, little sis, big bro and Dad headed off to Timezone (again) but I already had my fill the first time, so I walked around with my Mom and Granny, window-shopping and a bit of actual shopping, since there was a small bazaar going on the Ground Floor. Batik clothing was everywhere.

The next day was a bit, boring. I was stuck at home, waiting for my Mom and my Jogja relatives to come home from somewhere. Spent most of the afternoon with my Dad, my brother and sister, playing around in the bedroom. My little cousin, Alvin, upgraded to PS3 so that was fun to play. Haha.

Fast forward to tommorrow, we were planning to go fishing. The fishing spot that was near my Aunt's house only opened at around 3, so we just hopped in a car, taking our time to get ready and just drove around, taking in the sights. We passed a few colleges and more historically my Dad's 'kos' he used in high school. 'Kos' is an Indonesian term, which I can't really find the right English translation. It's like this small house that a 'landlady' owns and rents out rooms in the house to anyone who wants use them, but it's not like a fancy apartment. You usually share a kos with friends, or other people.

We also stopped by "UGD" (Unit Gawat Dagadu), which was carrying a "Rumah Moedik" theme this year. "Dagadu" is a Jogja clothing brand. They have the cutest print tees, which hilarious comedic prints, which I guess you have to Indonesian to fully understand :) hahaha.

My Mom bought a few souvenirs for her friends, but as much as I like shopping, I wasn't in the happiest mood and that killed any shopping urges, so I just window-shopped, one of my many simple pleasures.

Afterwards we went to my Aunt Teresa's how in the Mirota housing complex where she lives with my Uncle Aggie. She works at Mirota Batik, a renowed Batik store there, so maybe it's like a work deal (?)

We then took a quick drive to the fishing spot and just sat down, tried our hand at fishing. We caught a few fish, and I'm surpising good at it, catching 5 in just a few hours. ;)

It was really cool outside that day, and windy around the fishing pond, since behind us were cropfields and trees. And when things get all quiet and calm, I have this dangerous tendency to just reflect on my life.

I love my family.

Despite their flaws. Despite the dyfunctionality of them all.

My Mom's siblings are pretty diverse. I have one who's into plants, herbal stuff, one who's a pro at fishing, one who's into massaging techniques, one who is a more corporate marketing guy like my dad. My Dad's brother, I'm closest too, but I haven't seen him lately after his first kid came along, same case with my Dad's little sister. I like seeing my Grandparents, since they're really the only one I have. My Mom's parents died when 18 years ago, when she was still growing up, and it kinda got to me how I'll never get a chance to know them.

But away from this heavenly trip, I did realize how... disconnected I still am from my family. I guess from this little family community in Jogja there's only one thing I envy from my little cousins, Alvin and Fiona. They grow up around all that love and family care. This one house they live in with their parents, a few other of my Mom's siblings that haven't moved out a a litter of kitten that set up home in the backyard (okay, that kinda doesn't have any connection, but I adore cats!).

My family's really the only one who moved out, and yes, the first nine years of my life in the Philippines will always be the best nine years of my life, but I realized then and there, as I stared into the clear water of the fishing spot, looking at my own reflection, waiting for my fishing pole to bend, that I was missing a lot of stuff back here, back at... home?

My parents married fairly young, and me and my brother are the only kids in the 'second generation' that are goig through high school. I have an older cousin, who's in university now but she can get along well with all of the adults. My little sister, has it best. She's the same age as Alvin, so they get along great, goofing around like kids should, and Fiona sees her like her own big sister.

I guess, simply, what I'm saying is that although I've never felt more comfortable with anyone else other than my family, I realize that there will always be a feeling of never... truly belonging.

I grew up away from all of this Jogja, traditional charm. Me, my brother and sister, will always be the 'odd ones out', I guess, because we were raised in such a different culture.

But you know what? That's okay. It only adds to the diversity in this group of people I call family.

And honestly?

I wouldn't wish for anyone better.

--Karin Novelia, Family Girl :)

A Link To The Past

Hey, 2nd post in 2011! You know the New Year festivities has really gotten me thinking about the future. My expectations, the endless possibilities. But, of course it also has gotten me thinkgin about the past. Like I've written down in my previous posts, one of the main things that happened in 2010 was the sudden spike in my love life. 

These are the tweets I wrote out when I found myself waking up at 5 a.m. last Thursday and opened my phone to read a super sweet text from my boyfriend who is all the way at Turkey at the moment. The thing is about getting into the relationship it seemed so sudden, such a blur, I couldn't believe 8-9-10 had even happened at all. But ending up with this guy... a guy I used to see a lot back in Elementary but never really had the chance to get to know... was it really I coincidence that we met up again now?

Well, who knows? The universe works in mysterious ways. Here are the tweets! :D

When I first saw you, all those years ago, I'll admit, I felt attracted. Though it was obvious you were crushing on someone else.

So you exited my mind. And there were rare days where I did see you and I did enjoy it. It's like everything stopped at the sight of you.

But we were always walking off in opposite directions. With our own friends, crushing on other people. Like we were in our own little worlds.

Middle school. We saw each other again now that we were in the same school building. Actually, you seemed to be everywhere. Always busy.

The first time I met you. Beyond just a glance, with an actual conversation. First impression: So Out Of My League.

I'm no expert in this game called Crushing and Falling In Love but at least, I know what I want.

You were exactly the kind of guy that I would fall for. And exactly the kind I knew was out of my reach.

So I guess I sort of... went against my own instincts and blocked the possibility of even crushing on you from my mind. Friends. For now.

Does it sound stupid to have fallen for someone, even unconsciously, within the span of ten days?

Not stupid, per se. Just foolish.

But it wasn't just any 10 days. It was the best 10 days of my life, spent by the 20 of us. And among that 20 was you and me.

If there's one thing I regret about those 10 days it would be the fact that, at times, I wasn't at my best.

All because of that one night that was such a nightmare, the repercussions of what happened still able to be felt now.

But you... you were always just there. You'd have your seat next to mine, you'd walk around with me, you'd stand next to me in photos.

Remember how we got so close? First day, USS. You asked to finish my lunch, and I let you. Then you asked again and again the next day.

In those 10 days, we were in a bubble. Staying abroad, away from the pressures at school and home. Free to enjoy the trip and have fun. 

I guess it was a once-in-a-life time opportunity, spending that time with you.

I hadn't even begun to realize my feelings for you until after we came back. 

In the car on the way home from the airport. Dark night, awkward silence. Then my phone vibrates with a new text message. It's from you. 

I refrained from asking the question that pops into my head when a guy texts me for the first time. "How the heck did you get my number?"  

I guess a huge part of me didn't care. I was glad you texted me. You saved my night.

A week went by and we were always texting. You were actually... showing signs that you were interested in me. I couldn't believe it.

When I told my my closest friends about you. How you acted towards me, how you made me feel, how "gw lw" became "aku kamu". They'd say...

"Maybe he likes you, Rin." Hearing that for the first time made my ears ring. It sounded impossible. Yet in the end it was true.

And hearing it, straight from you, that you did like me, that was a feeling like no other.

Honestly, I've never been in this kind of situation before. Where a guy shows interest in me first, and I guess, charmed me into liking him.

You are cute, I'll admit that. You're one of the most nicest-looking guys I know. There's something about your smile. You're... alluring.

The thing is, from what I've heard, you had this sort of bad boy reputation.

At first it was just warnings from friends. "Be careful with him" stuff like that.

From others it sounded a little more harsh. As if they were just waiting for this to end, expecting things to go wrong.

"Hah, you won't even last a month..." I once heard someone say. God, sometimes I'd just wish they'd shut up! Hadn't I made MY choice?

I did made my choice. On that day you chose to pop the question came my decision. I said, yes.

And since then you've surprised my again and again. You've shown, proven to me that I was right -- there's more to you than meets the eye.

I can now say from the bottom of my heart: I love you. And I hope that'll never change.

-- Karin Novelia, In Love With A Boy She First Saw Years Ago

A Growing Friendship and Loving Family and… School. Meh.

I can’t believe on how many friends I’ve made this year. I’ve really started to see myself open up. Ever since AYC, things have been going great. The AYC gang is still pretty tight, though maybe we don’t see each other that often especially after 28-10-10.

Yup. Our completely student-organized ASEAN Day.

Honestly, the preparation was a pain. There were always these huge communication problems, and so on the big day our execution was less than perfect. But I was glad to see that everything worked out.

The day started with me getting up extra early, and preparing all the World Trade Game stuff I was going to need that day. I put on this cute, sort of flowing dress shirt that had a batik-pattern on it – today’s nationalistic dress code. The point of ASEAN Day was for the AYC delegates from Santa Laurensia Junior High School, to show what we had learned from AYC, and more importantly pass on the AYC spirit. 28th October was also the annual “Hari Sumpah Pemuda” celebration in Indonesia, remembering the day where during the age of fighting for independence, youths from all over Indonesia made the “Sumpah Pemuda”, their pledge of allegiance to its nation and unity as its people.

First we had a nice flag ceremony in honor of Hari Sumpah Pemuda. The pemimpin upcara was Jeffry Wicaksana and the Pembina upacara was our own Student Council President, Toby Limanto. After the flag ceremony we had a short opening speech from Garry as the ASEAN Day Chairperson, Toby as the Student President, Kay as the Cultural Performance PIC, and also from Bu Maria.

The performances were magnificent, although unfortunately I didn’t get to see all of them because I had to prepare for the World Trade Game. I was glad to see 9A’s awesome fashion show (I know I’ve been so busy and couldn’t help them prepare a lot, but I was glad to be their Class Facil). And I heard 8A’s Laos Drama was awesome! We even own first place for it. Too bad I wasn’t able to be a part of it… Proud of you guys! ;)

The first round of the session was the 9th Graders play World Trade Game first, while the 7th and 8th face the Mock Regional Forum. The 9th Graders were more cooperative than I thought they would be, or at least, expected to be from the others’ opinion on their behavior. I had a great, almost rushed time being one of the World Bank Bankers. Though we did hit one ditch. WE RAN OUT OF MONEY! HAHA .___.

Then there was this small schedule problem. They said to cancel the second session of games, but suddenly had to put them back in -____-. So I had to completely rush the preparations for the 2nd session of World Trade Game and it was crazy because I had to prepare for BOTH the 7th and 8th Grade Games. I was running back and forth from where the 7th graders were, in the Columbus hall in front of the Health Center, and the 8th Graders back in the Aula TK.

I was definitely tired once the day was over. It was even raining by the end of the day, and I had at some point taken off my shoes and left them off, and so my sock were soaked, my feet were sore, my hands felt like coming off and I had a ton of stuff to bring home, even more than what I had brought to school to begin with…

Well, though there were some complaints and harsh feedback, I think ASEAN Day ended up becoming really successful :D

Then came 2-11-10. Yes, the 2nd of November. My 14th Birthday! :D

Gosh, I had been through quite a bit of crap in the past few months, but I wanted my birthday, my 14th birthday to represent a new beginning. A fresh start of the better days to come. And I hadn’t expected myself to be surprised by some very good friends! The day started off with my getting up early, unfortunately for school.

I walked into my class with a perky, joyful attitude and couldn’t help but feel excited. I had a lot of birthday wishes on Twitter and Facebook, which always brightens up my day. I also got some face-to-face hugs and kisses at school :D

But I didn’t expect what was waiting for me on when my bestfriend Shella, dragged me down the stairs towards the hallway near the administration office (by the locker where people get their food dropped by) to see a giant, Harvest Chocolate birthday cake being lit by Kenny and held by the arms of Natasha. There were other guys there, mostly fellow 8th Grade SOTs and we had a little party eating the cake together.

Honestly, I was almost in tears! No one had even bothered giving me a surprise like that in the past 4 years :’)

Sadly, the 9th graders were on their trip to Bangka, that meant my wonderful boyfriend as well, so things were a bit more quiet than they should’ve been. I wished they were around though!

But I know they still wished a “Happy Birthday” from such a long-distance, and Evan came back with this cute little souvenir and a heart-felt photo :)

Let’s not forget a beautiful friendship that started in the dark corners of the YMCA hotel rooms back during AYC: GPRS!

What’s GPRS? Well, it stands for the 4 friends who have stuck together through thick and thin.

G= Gori (Gregorius Erico)

P=Poche (Sharleen Wonorahardjo)

R= Rin (Karin Novelia, Me Hehe)

S=Sasha (Natasha Clarita)

This whole thing started back in AYC, when we were getting together at night back at the hotel, we found the four of us together and developed the first ever Sesi Curhat, and we found ourselves becoming very close, telling each other our own problems, giving out advice, supporting one another. Let’s hope this is a friendship that’ll stand the test of time :)

Hmm, and things with the Fam?

Things are fine, I guess. Though I’ve had some rough spots with the parents this year, we’ve managed to come together to make a compromise. And we’ve started spending more quality time together :D

Then there’s me and School. Honestly, it’s been somewhat… MEH. Seriously, I expected it to be better.

I guess one main factor was that I wasn’t accepted into the Student Council. Not accepted. At all. Even though I did incredibly well in the interview (or so I thought), a few changes in the system this year, like a new teacher coordinating OSIS, and more of a shift to train the 7th graders and give more chances to the less active 8th Graders.

I guess I should consider it a compliment. It sort of says that I’m too good to be in the Student Council. BUT MAN I DIDN’T THINK THAT WAY AT FIRST. I took it pretty hard. I mean, without being Student Council President, or AT LEAST a Student Council Member, what was I going to do the rest of the year? I really wanted this to keep me busy and develop from being academically active.

So, I guess this sort of got me depressed for awhile. Especially since it blinded me from all the other things I had going. I was kind of tired from dealing with AYC, and so put it on hold.

And then there’s… Science Club.

I apparently found out later that one of the reason I didn’t get accepted to the Student Council is because of this unwritten school policy that a student should not be ‘over-worked’. They figured that since I was in the Science Club I would focus myself more on that, and so wouldn’t have time to deal with the Student Council.

I was like, WTHECK? They actually asked some candidates which one they would prefer, but they didn’t EVEN ASK ME!

And what a weird policy! I mean, can’t a student be allowed to excel? -.-

And so hearing that sort of made my lose spirit in dealing with Science Club. I still hadn’t managed to come up with a good topic, and when I started to get into the groove, I felt like I was over-working myself, since school was a whirlwind of projects, tests and quizzes.

I AM SO SORRY SIR DIDI! D: I know you’ve tried to be patient with us, but I still feel like I’ve disappointed you a lot! And you really are a great teacher, I assure you. The advice you’ve given me will always be treasured.

But there is one good thing I suppose. My Extracurricular Class (Ekskul), Modern Dance. Yep, don’t laugh, but the highlight of my year was dancing with the Nefertirians, my fellow 8th Graders.

We’ve been training for awhile. Praciticing our routine, though it was tough to get all the girls together. We even spent the time afterschool to really get things right. Then on December 17th, the last day of school before the winter holidays, we got up on stage and KILLED it.

Okay, maybe I’m overreacting. Hahaha. But we did do a great job :)

I mean, looking back at it, I was glad I was able to at least do a decent job. I mean, the last time I had danced like that in a performance was back in the Philippines. Every year, back at C.S.A, my old school, they would hold these end-of-year performances. The only difference between that and Loren was that the school always tried to make sure that EVERY class got a chance to perform. EVERY CLASS. Even if it was a simple skit, or a DANCE NUMBER, they wanted everyone to get involved.

So yes, back then I danced quite a lot. My “ekskul” back then was also dance, though it was limited to Modern. It was one of those treasured memories I have. Getting up on stage dancing with my friends, in front of the crowd, and in the end bowing to a round of applause.

Since I moved to Indonesia, that was one of the things that changed. That was one of the things that had to… stop. Maybe it’s better to say, put on pause. So this year, the 8th grade, I decided to take a risk. For my Ekskul I purposely enrolled myself to Modern Dance.

To be honest, I was nervous. I knew that people wouldn’t believe it once they heard I was in Modern Dance, and they did make fun, they did laugh. And I was afraid that after all these years, I wasn’t cut out for dancing anymore.

But that day, the day of the performance, while I was preparing myself, putting on my costume and make up, getting my hair curled as the finishing touch. I looked myself in the mirror and though I was nervous, I saw myself.

I was… different. I’d never dressed up like this in a while. I looked… stunning. And I saw this glint in my eyes, the kind that expressed the joy in what I was doing, the joy of being in that moment.

The last time I had seen my eyes sparkle like that was… AYC.

Wow. I can’t even begin to describe how it felt, dancing again, on a stage, hearing people even scream my name at the beginning of the routine. And in a long time, I felt alive again. I felt this awesome adrenaline rush.

When I got off stage, I was a bit dizzy. Not to mention tired. But I was proud of myself. I took a risk and put myself out there. And the results were nothing to be underestimated.

So, there you have. A quick catch-up on what has gone on since my last post.

Cheers! :D

--Karin Novelia, The Sentimental