When it comes to matters of religion, I must admit I'm on the fence on what I believe.
If we look at the way I was brought up, I'm a Roman Catholic. That's what it says on paper at least. My father is a Roman Catholic, he was the one that always insisted on going to church. Not that I didn't like church, I just found it really difficult to wake up in the morning when I was a kid, heck, I have trouble getting out of bed now. I'd prefer going to church in the afternoon, if possible.
I'm not really sure why my Dad's a Roman Catholic. Whenever I visit my grandparents they burn incense and stuff like that, more into Chinese tradition of sorts. Maybe he converted when he was older, I don't know. I'm curious about these things but how to go about asking about them politely eludes me.
My Mom, and most of her family are devoted Christians. She's definitely the most religious of the family, always giving long lectures, quoting the bible like she'd read it cover to cover and comitted every word to memory. You'd figure that a marriage between a Roman Catholic man and Christian woman wouldn't bring out that much conflict, but the two religions are significantly more different than most people would care to perceive.
Let's just say I don't go to church as much as I'd like to anymore.
Do I believe in God? Honestly, I'm not sure. When I was a kid, I was told that God was a man who created the universe, had a human kid named Jesus who mother was the Virgin Mary, and who looked just like us but could do amazing things. That inspired me the most, I think. Someone who looks ordinary but claims he is extraordinary and proves so by doing amazing things.
Mom likes to call him a lot of different names, like Saviour, the Merciful. But she likes to call him Dad, Father. I used to think that he was some guy in a white robe with a lot facial hair (An older version of how Jesus is usually portrayed), and had a palace in the clouds and sat on a throne above a mirror that overlooked absolutely everything and had this huge halo made of light, which I sometimes pictured as this glowing crown.
Childish, imaginative perceptions aside, now that I've grown, I've seen a lot of matters differently, including religion. I do partake in Mass very seriously, unlike many other peers who play with their phones or chatter excessively. I see the good values that religion does have to offer -- be kind to your fellow man, respect your parents and all that jazz. I exercise all those moral values as much as I can, in fact, its thanks to those sound moral foundations that I live a life less burdened with guilt or regret (even though being a goody two-shoes might find you all alone).
But I find it hard to believe in God when I feel he does little to contribute in my life.
Would falling down onto my knees and praying really help me achieve success? It would perhaps do a great deal of calming my soul, blind faith is sometimes what is needed to face the darkness of times ahead. But 'all talk and no action' isn't exactly a good way to go about things now, is it?
What good is faith if it does little to provoke us into action? I've always relied on my choice of action, my drive to do something about my situation. Praying and hoping things will change isn't enough. You have to do something about it. That belief has made my heavily reliant on my own capabilities, my own power that perhaps it has made turn away from 'a higher power' that doesn't intervene as quickly or as often as I would like. My life is the result of my own choices and actions, not the amount of time I spend praying.
The concept of religion and the moral values it teaches is sound. However, the mortal people who preach and practice it have started to corrupt it. I'm not an expert on these things but I have heard about the controversy of the Catholic hierarchy, something to do with sex scandals and things I tend not to indulge myself with anyway. It's become a 21st Century dilemma really. People who go to church might not be as angelic as they seem. Though, in reality it's not that different from the Biblical times when Jesus called those religious men 'two-faced'.
What we believe has a lot to do with our actions, the way we express those beliefs and interpret them. Would you prefer to be a 'religious' man who goes to church often, prays often everyday, but does little to help others, or continues to do things that are frowned upon OR would you rather not go to church and not neccessarily believe in God but belief the moral goodness of humanity and strive to uphold that?
Another reason for my shaky faith might be the fact that I'm beginning to see more bad around me than good. Whenever you turn on the news there's always something horrible happening somewhere around the world. Suicide bombings continue to happen in Iraq or Sudan or some other Middle Eastern country. Somewhere, some mentally ill man has commited murder, arson, suicide. War continues to rage. People are poor, starving. Tsunamis, earthquakes, tornadoes. Children are crying, dying. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Would praying bring those people, who lived an unfair life and died far too soon, back? Would praying make their situations any better? Would God really let all these bad things happen? Why? For what reason?
So no, maybe I don't believe in God. But I do believe in humanity. There's hope for us yet. Maybe in the end, that's what really matters.
Though I do not care for labelling my religion or object of faith, such as 'God', I do believe there is some force that drives the world, our world, clandestinely, beyond my or your comprehension.
For now, I'd rather just submit few questions to the ominous-force-behind-the-universe:
1). What do you look like, oh divine power? Are you like the air, unseen but present? Or are you nothing and everything at once? Or are you what we choose to perceive? Do you let us see or believe in you the way we want to see you as?
2). What's it like having all that power? Are you like what everyone else says? A divine force completely made of... good? Is it true that all you let happen in this world serves some greater purpose, some greater good? Or are you not what we think at all? Are you something that feeds on this endless power, that abuses it just like we'd abuse it, given the chance?
3). How did you come to be? It's hard to comprehend that before you created everything there is now, there was absolutely nothing. What would nothing be like? Didn't we invent the term nothing? Would the universe be an empty void of blackness? If we invented the term nothing and see it as such, then it doesn't really exist at all, right? How can there be nothing in the beginning when we created nothing? As I child I use to imagine that time would stop still and just start going into reverse. Everything around me would start to disappear, one by one, until I would be the last thing to disappear. Imagining what nothing would be like made my head hurt. It still does now. Then how did you come to be? How did something as great as you come from... nothing?
4). Do have a consciousness? Like can you actively think, produce thoughts? Or do you just act out of instinct, like a robot or something? Like you just know what needs to be done and do it, without question? If you can think, do you have feelings then? Does it hurt you seeing all the darkness start to engulf the world? Does it make you cry to see someone die a horrible death or live in a world that is just so unfair? If you have feelings, do you care? If you care then do you care enough to do something about it? To intervene? If you do care then why don't you? Do something about all this, I mean. I don't expect you to fix everything in an instant, that would be too easy for us. Then why do things seem to become even worse?
5). If you do exist, what are your thoughts on religion? Do you approve of them? I approve of the concept and moral teachings but disapprove the corrupting actions. Would you agree with me? Religion is, I suppose, a human invention. If you were the one who first created religion, would things be better? Would we be more guided than lost? Why don't you stop being so enigmatic then? If there's a clear-cut way to a righteous life then why not just show the clear path, at least for those who are willing to take it?
6). Why do I feel so unhappy lately? Why am I suddenly seeing so many dark things? If everyone else can live so ignorantly happy, why can't I? Why do I care so much? Why do I care so much for all the people who are suffering out there, beyond my control, beyond my reach of sympathy or help? People I don't even know, have never even met? Are you testing me? Why me then? Is this your funny way of telling people they're special? Make them go through hell just so they can emerge the better person? Because that's what what you want them to be?
7). Can I be like Jesus? Can you think of me as one of your children? Can I claim myself to extraordinary and do things like he did? Would you help?
8). Why is that everytime I go looking for you, for your face, for your help that it suddenly seems like you're not even there? Is it some kind of punishment? For doubting you, not believing in you? I'm trying okay. I don't know what else to say. I'm trying.
9). When I pray, do you really listen? Or do you just ignore me and listen to someone else's more deserving pleas? Can I even communicate with you? Am I even worthy of your time? Or am I just talking to myself?
10). Speaking of time, I wonder if you 'age'. I wonder if in someway time has changed you, affected you. Does it? Or are you just the same as you've always been? Just... there.
11). Does it hurt? To die? What does it feel like, to have the life you've given us just... drain out of us? Where does that 'life' go? Where do we go?
12). When we die, will you be there? Will we finally be able to see you, to understand you? Or would that only be those that go to heaven? Will you be the one to take us there? Who takes us to hell then? If there is one?
13). What's hell really like? Did you create that as well? Like a dump for all the bad people, I suppose. Have you met Lucifer, or the Devil, or the entity that is your dark, mirrored self? Do guys have tea together or something (haha) and negotiate things like who goes to whose domain? Does he (it?) even exist? Or are you just one in the same?
14). Does heaven exist? If it does, what's it like? Is it like I imagined as a child, an awesome palace up in the clouds? Or is it a matter of perception, what we choose for it be, our own private heaven? Would you let me talk to you, like have a proper chat with me, if I ever do happen to make it up there?
15). How many people are up in heaven? Do we live together or seperately? Could I talk to some people? Is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle up there? I'd love to talk to him. Freddie Mercury? Kurt Cobain? Whitney Houston? Amy Winehouse? Do have parties up there? I wouldn't mind joining in for a song or two.
16). Do angels exist? Like with the white-feather wings and everything? Did they used to be like us, mortal beings? Or do you just make them seem that way, that human, to us? If they are like us, can I be an angel too?
17). Last and most important question of all: Why are you so frustrating?
-- Calling Out To The Universe, Karin Novelia
