Not Getting Any Younger

Hello, internet.

I do realize it's been a month since my last post, but hey, I've been busy. I actually have a life now, one that's way more hectic and a tad... restricting sometimes, but at least it's not boring.

I am blogging on familiar territory, propped up on my bed back in my room (or at least what's left of it, since it technically now my sister's) in wonderful Indonesia :•) (That, ladies and gentlemen, is a clownface. Say hi to the lil' clownface! You'll probably see him a lot on this thing)

Anyways, I flew back just this morning, and with my busy schedule this month (I swear, my holidays are more tiring than school days) I was absolutely knackered by the time I got home and I should probably get some sleep, so I'll be quick.

As frantic and crazy as the couple of weeks have been, I have never felt so overwhelmed and fed up with everything but I've also never felt so... alive.

I've never felt so young.

There are the days when life decided to throw some 'bovine manure' your way, and then there are the days when life actually decides to be a little bit nice to you. And even when life's caught in between the two, you tend to realize that good things - the fun, friends, family, the chosen happiness - really can outweigh the bad.

Singapore has been a mixed bag of self-discovery and angst, complicated feelings but I guess the bottom line is that my time spent there is changing me. Whether for better or for worse, I can't really tell.

So to prepare for the upcoming school term and the rest of the year, I really need to focus and use my holiday as a chance to recuperate and grow, maybe pick up a skill or two.

The Off The Grid thing I did awhile back did wonders in helping me do that last year, so maybe I'll do something similar this time around :•)

But living in Singapore has also given me a sense of greater independence, a more profound sense of freedom. And though, frustratingly, it may not be as much as I want sometimes, I remind myself (or rather my annoying best friend does) that I'm only 16, I've got a full life ahead of me. I am still young after all.

I think most people have forgotten what being young really means, getting themselves lost in the fast-paced, modern world.

Being young means having free license to make mistakes, break some rules, go on adventures.

Fall in love.

Being young means being able to experience the world in its fullest splendor, with arms wide open at what to has to offer.

I know it sounds funny, that sometimes I actually have to remind myself that I am still young. But one of these days, that's gonna change. I'll start being truly and freely young.

I mean, it's not like I'm getting any younger.

-- Karin Novelia, A Bit Too Sleepy Now To Think Of A Catchy Tagline

In The End

Have you ever woken up and been terribly, horribly, paralyzingly scared that the next time you wake up in 20 years or so, you'll be waking up to a life that just isn't what you imagined or hoped for it to be? All your hopes dashed. All your dreams shattered. All your plans falling through. All your days seeming gray and monotonous.

No? Just me?

Hmm.

-- Karin Novelia, Hoping This Will All Be Worth In The End.

The Degree of Damage Done

A friend of mine, upon seeing a kiddie ride, pointed out on how as kids we were so fascinated by things like Barney the Dinosaur. As we grew up those perceptions of ours changed. We began to see how ridiculously illogical those childhood figures were. And though there's something to be gained by that maturity of thought, there's also something that's inevitably lost; our sense of wonder and naivety towards what is, essentially, a pretty daunting world.

I've come to realize that I am generally a sad person. I wasn't always like this. I am particularly aware that there was a turning point in my life, that moment when I decided to do a complete 180 and grow up, perhaps a bit too fast. I can't exactly remember when. Like most inner paradigm shifts, I know that the change happened, I just wasn't fully aware that it was happening at the time.

Most of my life consisted of changes and me adapting to these changes. I got so used to coping with things on my own, so by the time my 'coming-of-age' moment happened, when my child-like innocence was shattered, I found myself horribly lost and alone. And unlike many instances (depicted many times over in movies, biographies, documentaries) where the 'protagonist' is guided by some mentor-like figure, I had no one to catch me, no one to fall back on.

As far as unstable goes, I'm pretty messed up. And I'm not trying to make myself sound like a victim. If anything, those lonesome struggles have taught me something important.

How fucked up a person is, isn't so much determined by all the bad things that happen to them. You're only as fucked up as you allow yourself to be and it's simply a matter of choice to how badly you let the the degree of damage become.

So yeah. This is me, trying to control the damage. This is me trying to experience the world with arms wide open -- like a little kid.

(That was a crappy conclusion. I'm sorry)

But thanks for reading.

-- Karin Novelia, Wanting to Go On Kiddie Rides Again

Life is a Funny Thing

When I say something is funny, I usually mean it in a sad, sarcastic way. Because sarcasm's the way I deal with things. And though a sharp tongue may not leave me with that many friends, you can't really fault me for being honest.

Life is also damn ironic. Anything pertaining to it, the questioning and the doubts, I usually share through this blog because well, nobody really cared to listen in real life. That's changed a bit though. Questioning life has become something of a daily routine (besides my daily affirmation of 'I'm a horrible person' but I'll get to that later) and it actually makes this blog a bit obselete.

I've found people who I can talk to, people who are willing to listen. And I've never been more grateful.

But, and perhaps this is a big one, we can't expect too much from anyone. We can't expect them to be always there for us, we can't expect them to always understand. The romantic in me would like to believe that, at least, there's one person among the 7 billion in the world who can always be there for me. You know, that person who's presumably *the one*. Even now, the appeal of that idea is dimming. It sucks, really. But it's true.

And in light of my recent stress (mid-years and all) I can't help but feel that something that's internally a part of me is changing drastically. And it's hell of a lot scary, to just watch this change happen, to know that the one thing you'd think would be constant in your life - your values, your beliefs and your dreams - are changing due not only circumstance, but possibly choice.

So yeah. There are some things I still can't fully say aloud, but then again I guess those are the things meant to be put on this blog. Here they are, a few things I find funny with (my) life:

1. It's funny when the moment you finally feel happy - genuinely, consistently happy - you just start expecting things to fall apart.

2. When so many bad things start happening, there's a point when it stops coming as a surprise, it stops to hurt and you kinda wanna laugh, cuz it's funny the way you're kinda 'used to it'.

3. It's really funny when you say something, thinking you're being subtle, thinking that the way you veil your words -- like reading aloud a poem -- would make someone understand only to end up hurting them. Then you realize, maybe that's really what you intended to do all along.

4. It's funny when, even though you've known someone for quite awhile, you suddenly *see* them as if you didn't properly see them for what they are. Something special.

5. There are those funny days when you wake up and think of someone. And the thought of that someone makes you realize, "Hey, I think I have feelings for you". Then you think, "This might get interesting". Then you think, "This will not end well".

6. It's a funny, almost surreal moment; that moment when you fall out of love with someone. Initially, you feel glad, relieved. "Glad I found a reason not to stick around for that trainwreck." And the next time you see the person, you feel fine. No expectations, no butterflies. Then, bam, you feel like you've lost something. You feel like you're missing out. You feel like you're giving up on something you never even gave the chance to happen.

7. It's funny - damn hilarious even - when you find yourself next to someone you think you've gotten all figured out only to realize (and to be even told by the person themself) you don't know that person at all. You're not as close as you'd imagine or want yourselves to be.

8. And it's really, really, really funny, the way you can be so comfortable around someone and the next moment wish they'd never even become part of your life. Because you want them around. Even though they make things complicated.

9. It's funny, in a dramatic irony sort of way, to see things that noone else apparently sees. To know things which are obviously there. To read people so easily. Because when things start happening, going exactly as you predicted they would, it becomes your own little inside joke. "See I was right, I saw this coming." But then you wish you were never right in the first place.

10. And it's tragically funny, the way you can put up such a strong front, a noble facade only to fall apart moments later. Moments like those are embarassing. It's as if you think no one will forget it, no one will look past it or see you the same way again. But then they do, and you wish they didn't. You wish you could stop pretending.

11. It's a funny moment in your life when you realize, even the person you're closest with the most will never be completely honest with you. Even when you try to open up and put your heart on the line (which, trust me, for me isn't easy) they turn to be the most unemotional person. Ever. And though the poison's in the well, you stick around anyway. Even though you wonder why you do, why you try so hard to have this person around. Even though you're also glad that your paths have somehow crossed.

12. Oh and here's the kicker, the ultimate punchline. It's funny when you know things aren't going to end well. When you know all you're going to get is hurt. But you don't back down, you don't turn around and run away, you don't try oh so very hard to just numb everything out.

You let things happen anyway. You let yourself get hurt.

Even though, most likely, you'll regret it, you undeniably know this one truth: despite the universe working against you, that small sliver of a chance at happiness is always worth taking.

Thanks for reading.

--Karin Novelia, Laughing at Life

Hey, Soul Sister

I am not Karin Novelia.

I'm half of her soul.

We're two halves of the same spirit, stranded and lost in two different bodies.

My name is Maria Esterlita Siantoputri.

I am currently writing on Karin's page because she has naively let me. (evil laugh here)



(awkward silence)



...I am definitely not a blogger. I don't know what to say now.

So yeah.

I was here.

--Ester, Ruining The Quality of This Blog

Momentary Repose

It's been nearly two months since my last post. I hope you can understand that I've been busy. Uprooting your whole life and trying to settle down in someplace completely foreign takes up quite a bit of one's time. The post before this, about the Singapore Walk was a bit long overdue, but I left it lying around for too long that I lost the flow. It seems rushed and I hoped to make up for the atrocious quality with some photos, but since the internet's not really being friendly right now, I'll try to come back to that as soon as possible.

 

How has it gone so far? Well, I'd rather not go into details. It's been okay. Nothing's bad happened. But (if you read my blog) I'm sure you know that I've expressed this feeling of being stuck, of wanting to get back that spark again. That feeling's still there. Which sucks since I was expecting it to go away once I got to Singapore. I guess it has, to a certain extent, but not as much or as quick as I wanted to.

 

I have a really busy week ahead of me. I've got a bunch of CAs which are basically these tests and I've been going through such a mood swing, constantly oscillating between being completely lethargic to being painfully diligent, that I'm not sure how my grades will turn out. I actually spent last night staying up extremely late (about 3 in the morning) brushing up on my Maths (we're not on really good terms right now) and spent most of today feeling slightly motivated, but overall apathetic.

 

It's was nice to see how much I can get done when I feel driven and motivated but I guess I'm still feeling a bit lost with my whole sense of purpose.

 

Good news though, I'll be flying back home for a few days by the end of the week. So yeah. At least there's something to look forward to.

 

Let me just leave this little poem (?) I tweeted right here:

 

The scales have tipped

And the tide is rising

The winds of change are blowing

However, unfortunately,

I have no idea where they'll take me

 

--Karin Novelia, Coasting Somewhere in the Middle

 

Sauntering Through Singapore (Part 3)

20th of December, 2012

The banks of the river are lined with the towering skyscrapers, stacked masses of steel and concrete reaching up to touch the azure sky. The water is slightly murky, but clearer and definitely cleaner than the rivers back in Jakarta. My eyes are drawn to the black lampposts that are spaced at even intervals. Something about them seems regal, almost out of place as the old-fashioned design is laid against a background of urbanity. I instantly think of Victorian England, and perhaps there is something to that comparison. Singapore is the mini-London of South East Asia, perhaps with a touch of New York about it too.

The Singapore River Walk was incredibly reinvigorating. We started with classes but that soon passed quickly as our excitement mounted and our time of departure loomed closer. We headed out together, taking the MRT from Toa Payoh to the Raffles Place station.

We emerged to a street, posh and modern to the highest degree. Men in suits and ladies in heels walk along the sidewalk, looking professional and busy.

A few statues are scattered here and there.

There's one dedicated to Isaac Newton. A gaping hole can be seen in his head and chest, an artistic expression of 'open-mindedness' and 'open-heartedness', two qualities one requires to survive in today's world. Another is one of a large, non-proportional bird. It's supposed to signify optimism and serenity to propel Singapore's future development.

We walk a littler closer to the riverbed, leaving behind some renowned buildings such as the Maybank Office building and Raffles Point. Another point of the interest that catches my eye are the beautiful white bridges that span the width of the Singapore River. The Cavanaugh Bridge looks like something plucked out of the heart of London. The Anderson is more minimalist in design. A large bumboat passes underneath this bridge carrying a band of tourists with sunglasses on, cameras in hand. By the side of the bridges aforementioned, a sculpture of young children jumping into the river makes one reflect on those days gone by, when Singapore was a humble fishing village with a filthy river and stands as a reminder of the immense progress this country has made.

We encounter more statues on our scenic route, this time catching a glimpse of Singapore's diverse cultural history. There's a display of three people, standing and sitting round each other, engaged in a conversation. One of them is a foreigner, someone from the West; the other of Oriental descent; and the third, a man wearing a Peci, hailing from the lands of Malaysia.

We also took a look inside the Fullerton Hotel, one of Singapore's most elegant establishments. Christmas was just around the corner and so the lobby was decked with holly and merry devour. Again, something about the Hotel's architecture gave me a sense of colonial Britain while offering something modern to the senses as well.

We soon come across a statue of Sir Stamford Raffles, a prominent figure in Singapore's modern development. There were these men with snakes nearby, offering passersby a chance to be adventurous and take a photo with the large, scaly creatures. It was a chance I didn't pass up.

The highlight about of the trip was reaching the Marina Bay area, where the island's iconic Merlion is situated. Though it's a site I've previously visited there's something about the breeze, the sight of the water expanding towards the horizon, the close proximity of architectural feats such as the Marina Bay tower, the Arts and Sciences Museum, and the Esplanade that makes me feel like there's a whole world laid out in front of me, waiting to be explored.

The walk, as I've pointed out, acquainted me with Singapore's culture. It was appropriate then that our final destination was The Peranakan Museum. The term 'peranakan' refers to the new generation of Singapore, those who became the embodiment of different cultures, coming from a mix of different backgrounds and ancestry. We marveled at the antique items on display, each telling a story of tradition that collectively makes up Singapore.

Two hours were spent in that museum and to be honest they passed by in a flash. The idea of living in Singapore continued to grow on me. And if living her meant getting to see, learn and experience new things, then I just might like it here.

--Karin Novelia, Soaking in the Culture