Stubborn

You know what? I've made a decision. Surprising, I know. 

The crux of the matter right now -- the matter being my existential crisis -- is that I feel very unsettled about where my life is heading. I am far too self-aware to delude myself into thinking that I have to be here. In college. Following the 'normal' path to success. I rebel against my current situation, but that's only self-destructive, to lay waste to the very ground you have no choice but to stand on. If I truly had the freedom to chose, I would not be here. I would build myself a sanctuary that truly allows me to explore my curious pursuits. 

I do not have that freedom. I realize now that, despite what I've been told, I never did. A person will always be limited by their past. Free will is an illusion.

With that in mind, perhaps the best thing for me is to give in. Give in to my lack of choice and make the best of what is given to me. But, and this is me being tremendously stubborn, I will give in yet at the same time I will not give up. I will do everything that I've been told, 'to get good grades' and 'to get a college degree' and I will prove that I can do it. But I will also go above and beyond what is expected with me. I will study and do well, but at the same time I will hustle on the side, do the things that truly make me feel alive. It will take a lot more effort, and although it might be easier to just forego one for the sake of the other, I will not compromise my dreams.

I will prove them wrong, the people who said that there's no way I can do both, that I can only be one thing or another.

I will stubbornly believe, until my dying day, that I can be everything I want to be.

--Karin Novelia, turning that anger into determination.

Empty

I spend a lot of time, trying to fill myself up with things I think will make me feel whole. The problem is, in my search of identity and belonging, I'm starting to feel like I am limiting myself. It is what I want, yet at the same time, I rebel against the idea. I don't want to be limited.

I'm starting to believe that my search for stability and identity is futile. I've lived in the chaos far too long to be comfortable with anything else. And in a way, I'm grateful. My live is messy, sure, and makes no sense. But it's eye-opening in it's uncertainty, and made me think about a lot of things I probably never would've considered if my life was a bit more... 'normal'.

When I see myself living the life I dream of, I see myself wandering and flitting from one place to another, opening myself up to the world and what it has to offer as I explore and deepen my understanding of it. But in order to do that, I need to be empty. I need to be neutral, an empty vessel, people can pour a piece of themselves into. I need to be an nonthreatening outsider who simply wants to observe and passively experience the lives of others, listen to their stories, be a part of their world without affecting it.

I want to be everything and nothing at once. 

Which makes sense, considering how empty I've become.

Here's to trying to fill myself up.

--Karin Novelia, idk.