Sauntering Through Singapore (Part 2)

6th of December, 2012 

Whenever someone mentions India, I envision these crowded, smelly streets, the scent of curry pervading through the air. It's a limited picture, I know, but I caught a glimpse of it when we visited Little India today.

Unlike Chinatown, Little India was a part of Singapore I've yet to explore. The opportunity to acquaint myself with it made the experience all the more appealing. 

We got through the first half of the day in class fairly quickly, going through coursework as usual. Once we were dismissed, we set off towards the bus stop in Toa Payoh Central and boarded the 56, headed towards Little India. It wasn't easy, cramming the 20 or so of us into the already packed  bus, but we bucked up and tried our best to enjoy the ride. 

From the bus stop we alighted, then we walked a little farther towards the MRT station underpass. There were rustic murals displayed here and there on the walls, and it certainly felt like a warm welcome to the district. 

We exited the station and found ourselves in Tekka Market. The aforementioned smell of curry soon caught my nose, but not in the delicious scent when the dish is in front of you. It was a myriad of disparate smells that made up the dish's ingredients: the ginger, the coriander and other herbal names which I can't be bothered to recall or make up right now. The market also smelled faintly of fish. When we walked by the sidewalks of the wider streets later, the mixed smells of jasmine, roses and lilies would form a fragrant perfume, emanating from the stalls that sold these leis.

We had lunch together at the nearby food center. I had a go at Nasi Briyani, which was this yellowish-orange rice with a helping of curry drenched meat (I tried the mutton, absolutely delish). Once our stomachs were full, we trekked through the streets again on foot and found were shown this little villa, painted in a splash of eye-catching shades, embodying what Indians are like: colorful.

Just across the road from the Tekka Market Food Centre is a place called The Little India Arcade. It's like this small shopping mall that sells a various range of handmade crafts such as handbags, hanging lanterns, sandals and jewelry.

The Little India Arcade is also a good place to get Henna tattoos. The black ink (which comes in other colors too) sinks into the skin, forming a crusty layer that later peels off, revealing the semi-permanent pattern underneath (it lasts for at least week). The result resembles the surface of a cup of capuchino, only the colors are inverted -- smooth streaks of brown atop creamy, pale, froth-like skin. 

We returned to the food centre to try some Indian cuisine, courtesy of our tour guide. We had some roti prata and teh tarik, the warm salty crunch of the bread and the sweet heat of the tea, making us feel comfortable in the middle of a torrential downpour of rain. 

The final stop in our tour was the Sri Veeramakaliamman temple. The teachings of gods and goddesses, characteristic to the Indian culture,  have always been something I saw interesting. Whether one believes in it or not is another matter, but the values behind the teachings are presented in such a way that is understandable, even enjoyable. 

I've now ventured into two of Singapore's unique ethnic neighborhoods, Chinatown and Little India. Both trips have left me feeling cultured, not to mention grateful at being given the chance to even be where I am. 

Next week, is the final chapter of this little series, and I'll finally see what Singapore itself has to offer as a whole, as we saunter through the banks of the Singapore River and pay a visit to the Peranakan Museum. 

Until then!

--Karin Novelia, 

Sauntering through Singapore (Part 1)

29th of November, 2012

I'm sure I've mentioned before, this English Bridging course me and my friends are taking in preparation for school next year. What I didn't realize, coming into it, were the regular outings we would take, getting out of the classroom and sauntering through Singapore and seeing it in all its splendor. 

Our first stop was a bit familiar: Chinatown.

Beforehand though, we stopped by the Urban Redevelopment Authority (URA) building on Maxwell Road.

The name plaque of the URA building
Here we saw how the city of Singapore, at first a humble village housing fisherman, turned into a lavishing port and not long after, an attractive cornucopia of all things urban.
The section of an illustrated timeline of Singapore, showing its humble
beginnings as a fishing village called Temasek.
The first floor holds a display of a wooden miniature of Singapore. Designs for a Sino-Singapore Tianjin Eco-City Center -- slated to be built in China by 2020 -- which were submitted for a Conceptual Design held by the Eco-City Administrative Committee, were also exhibited. It was so fascinating to see all of the different designs from different countries. There was China's own nature-inspired details, US's colorful theme based on geological mineral stones, and the German's clean-cut artistic blocks. 
A wooden miniature model of Singapore
A snapshot of the Sino-Singapore Tianjin Eco-City concepts
On the second floor of the URA building lies the Singapore City Gallery. 

Here you can learn all about the development process of Singapore, what it takes to make sure a city can blossom, what development techniques can be applied. The Gallery also features a wide range of not informative media, but interactive media as well. There are touch screens which move and illustrate the population comparison between Singapore and other countries, a screen that can show you various places of interest, a set of animations that show intensification and collocation (look it up), a more detailed scale model that boasts a lights show, even a small space where you can a play a multi-player city building simulator game. 
One of the interactive touch screens at the City Gallery
A skyline shot of more detailed scale model of the city,
equipped with a light show that plays every hour
The final result of the city-building simulator game
It's nice to see how well-organized and ingenious people can be. Singapore has done a good job in planning ahead, seen by there use of The Concept Plan and The Master Plan which is meant to map out the country's development for the next 40-50 years. Walking through the Gallery is like walking through an art museum -- there's a certain sort of aesthetics behind the numbers and logistics that goes into building a city, a type of artistic skill that makes Singapore the beautiful place that it is.
The 2008 Singapore City Master Plan, put up for display
Our visit to the Gallery soon drew a close, but the day itself was far from over. We walked quite a bit from the URA building and planned on getting lunch at the nearby Maxwell Food Center. Unfortunately, it was currently undergoing renovations and our lunch had to be postponed for while.

We made our way to South Bridge road, passing by an ornate, oriental building: The Buddha Tooth Relic Temple. It's quite a well-preserved establishment, with its red Chinese-style rooftops, green-painted window grilles towering a good four-storeys high.  I heard it has a splendid altar with a golden statue inside, but I've yet to see it with me own eyes since I was unable to enter. 
Snapshots of the Buddha Tooth Relic Temple exterior
We walked a little further until we met Temple Street. We saw the Sri Mariamman Temple which flaunted this massive and ornate gopuram (something like a pagoda) placed above its entrance. We also passed the local mosque, situated at an angle a bit different from the surrounding buildings, following the Muslim custom of pointing it towards kiblat, the direction of Mecca. 
The Sri Marriaman Temple on Temple Street
The local Mosque
We soon dispersed from the tour group and set off on our own to find something to eat for lunch. Me and my friends found a small hawker's centre that sold all kinds of food, mostly Chinese noodles. Besides that, we shared a plate of chicken martabak, which we disappointingly found out was a bit different from the ones usually sold in Indonesia. Nevertheless, it was still quite delicious. We had some free time to look around, observing the unique architecture and wares the district had to offer.
A snapshot of one of the Chinatown stalls selling a
variety of products from clothes, accessories, toys
 The colorful and well-preserved buildings, showing their Chinese 
influence and architectural details stemming from its colonial past

Another wonderful thing about Singapore, is the importance they place upon preserving their historical and cultural heritage. As we walked we could see statues and landmarks that might seem insignificant at first, but in truth embodies a period of Singapore's rapid development.  

There was a statue in front of URA building that depicted a woman, carrying something on her shoulders. This is one of Samsui women who came from Cantonese. They wore red head-dresses and loose black samfoos, those Chinese-style jacket and trousers. They seldom married and usually did heavy labour, which was inspiring, seeing the way women back in those days could be just as hard-working as men, doing work outside the home. 

Another of the statues were brass ones, depicting coolies who did heavy labour such as construction work, farmers and even little children surrounding a nearby pond.
A stone statue of a Samsui woman 
Statues of children from China, playing near
a man-made pond in the middle of Chinatown
The last stop was Ann Siang Hill, name after its previous owner, Chia Ann Siang. It used to a plantation farm, a place where they grew spices such as cengkeh and pala. This well was once the only place that supplied clean water for the area.
The humble well that sits atop Ann Siang Hill
I found myself sore and tired at the end of the day. But today has shown how much I can learn and experience in Singapore, and I can't wait for our next learning journey next week: Little India.

I'll tell you all about it soon enough. 

--Karin Novelia, Enjoying the Sights

Blogging on Foreign Land

Today is a momentous occasion. It's December 14th, 2012, and the one-month milestone of my time here in Singapore. It's been a blast here so far. I'm currently going through an English Bridging Course right now, and with 10-hour sessions from Monday-Saturday, let's just say it's been challenging. 

I've really begun to rediscover myself here. I'm not as quiet as I used to be since I'm constantly in the company of other people. Being forced into close proximity with about 18 other crazy gals does keep one up all night, but I'm strangely also sleeping better. I guess the only thing I'll miss is the peace and quiet of my own room (even though it doesn't stay that way once my sister comes around). Finding time to just recuperate alone and gather one's thoughts isn't as easy, but it's not exactly a bad thing either. 

I'm loving have my own room. It's spacey, and actually stays tidy after I clean it up. The soft board that covers the wall on my side of the room is still bare, but I'm hoping to 'nerdify' it as soon as possible and making it feel like home. Meals here are wonderful, though do little to reduce the waistline. Housework, laundry especially, is a bit tedious, but it feels nice to be doing things on my own. I need to get into athletics, and although volleyball might seem like an implausible option, I feel an intense urge to play, somehow. Been hitting the gym in CJC, the Junior College right next to my hostel, CJCH, for the past few weeks every Tuesday, but since Christmas holidays are looming near, the supervisor (the hostel mistress' husband) won't start taking us again until next year.

I've also learned to put things into perspective -- just because I was seen a certain way back in Indonesia, doesn't mean I'll be perceived the same way here. Same goes for studies. I need to remind myself that although things might not seem as hard here, it's still a different system that I need to get used too and whatever I've faced in the Bridging Course so far will be probably be the easiest, 'honeymoon' phase. 

Good news though is that the Course really encourages reading and I've gone through 6 books (5 really, cuz one was just... crap). Best reads: Life of Pi and Cloud Atlas. Genius. Also relived a childhood favorite, Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass. Am currently reveling in Tolkien's The Hobbit.

Speaking of The Hobbit, I'm likely definitely going to see it this weekend. I'm so excited, I-I just can't... What I love about Singapore is it's convenient transportation. Back in Indonesia, I always had to worry about getting around, especially on weekends when I wanted to hang out with my friends in Jakarta, which was a bit far. Here on the other hand, I can easily find my way to any place I want. That makes it especially easy to watch movies. The first movie I've watched was Breaking Dawn Part 2 (don't ask) but that was quickly redeemed by a double feature of Life of Pi (the aesthetics were amazing!) and Rise of the Guardians (JACK FROST FTW).

... Am I spending too much on movies? Nah. Even if I am, then blame Hollywood for producing such wonderful cinematic gems. 

A roller coaster ain't a roller coaster without some downs too. Worst thing that happened here so far? Being disappointed with my class allocation. I was put in a class with a Full Literature class (which I'm not really sure how I'll manage, since I've never taken such a Lit class before) but also was told to make a choice between Physics or Biology. There's another class with the exact same subject list, only they take both Physics and Biology. Although I'm not pursuing a career that would require either one, I got used to taking both in my old school, and ambitious as it may seem, I see those subjects as something that needs to be learnt, at least in its most rudimentary form, and have actually grown to like them. Both

It's pretty late now. I'm not sure if my body is recoiling against the one-hour loss of sleep, but I should turn in so I can at least survive tomorrow. Don't worry, with my oral presentation done by then, I'll be back soon to tell about all of my city adventures.

Until the next post then.

--Karin Novelia, Recently Moved (Again)

Packing Up

I know, I've neglected posting but well I've really been busy and any day where I refrain from spending even one second in front of a computer is an immense acheivement.

Started packing, which turns out to be really easy. I managed to tidy things up yesterday, sort out my clothes, even packed up my books. After much deliberation (well, not really) here are the 5 books I'm taking with me (+ 1 which will me there in Singapore since it's with a fellow scholar right now).

1). The Complete Adventure of Sherlock Holmes, Volume II by Sir ACD (Barnes and Noble):
How could I leave behind the world's greatest consulting detective? This will satisfy my inner detective, give me a sense of Victorian London (a period I just adore, by the way) and of course remind me that even the greatest people have their flaws.
2). The Book Thief by Markus Zusak:
An eloquent novel that demonstrates the power of words and how good and bad go hand in hand. Also useful when I want too read about a Death that's almost human.
3). The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern:
A book to pick up whenever I want to venture to the Cirque de Reves and experience the magical and impossible. Also to remind me that the difference between dreams and reality might not be that apparent.
4). Artemis Fowl and The Last Guardian by Eoin Colfer (Disney Hyperion):
The last book in the first fictional series I ever read on my own volition. So yeah, a bit sentimental this one. And this is the Hyperion version, where the covers are just amazing, and makes Artemis look like such a badass haha. Whenever I want a glimpse of the snarky and suave anti-hero, want an adventure filled with magic, faeries and plenty of witty banter.
5). Life of Pi by Yann Martel:
 A great read I'll pick up whenever I have any doubts or lose my faith.
6). Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain:
To remind me of my strengths and that I'm not the only one who sees nothing wrong with being quiet.
So that's it. The small myriad of novels that will decorate my shelves for the next 4 years. And honestly, Wednesday can not come fast enough.

I'll try to make up for the missing posts. Somehow.

Cheers!

--Karin Novelia
 
 
 
 
 
 

Off The Grid: Day 12

Happy Birthday!
 
I wake up to the sound of those two words and see my little sister standing over me beside the bed. I wipe my eyes and stretch, mumbling a groggy "Thank you" in reply. I'm sleepy. Really sleepy. I spent the night giving Taylor Swift's new album a listen, and though I found the record fantastic, it did little to prolong my sleeping hours.
 
Then I hear my stomach growl and find it pointless to fall asleep. So I get up and get out of my room.
 
My Mom comes over and hugs me. "Happy Birthday, sweetie," she says.
 
I smile and hug her back, trying to ignore that tight feeling in my chest. The words sound hollow and I feel myself numb.
 
Come on. I try to cheer myself up. Grouches who are pessimistic on their birthdays don't live long.
 
I don't hate birthdays. I just don't see them as a big deal. Well, at least I don't see my birthday as a big deal. Celebrations tend to be simple. Just the fam. The one time I tried to throw a big bash, it was tedious and I felt like the fakest person alive. The days I did show excitement for my birthday, I usually ended up disappointed. So yeah, there's that too.
 
My birthday has basically ended, and it really has felt like any other day.
 
But it turned out better than I expected.
 
If there's one way I celebrate my birthday, I try to spend the day feeling as childish as I possibly can. I watched Ponyo, which is a Japanese-anime movie made by Studio Ghibli (they make awesome animations, their repertoire is a must-watch). I remember watching this one, years ago when it first released and it was magical and fantastic. It made me feel like a kid again.
 
I got out of the house which was a relief. Took a look around the department store, scouting things and neccessities I might need for the move, but that didn't even lead to any purchases. The shopping bags I did bring home were full my mother's stuff. 
 
What do you want for your birthday?
 
That question leaves me tongue-tied for awhile. Any question really that refers to "what I want" is usually answered with silence than actual words. I don't really like to shop. Or correction, I don't like to over-shop and no matter what I do, I'll always feel guilty about purchases however minor. I'm scared I'll go overboard, or splurge on something I want but don't really need. I need to be certain that I deserve whatever I'm getting for myself, and well, that seldom happens.
 
Everyone's pretty occupied. My birthday seems irrelevant in hindsight, and I really see nothing wrong with that. We planned on watching Skyfall this evening, but since my Dad had to work late, it'll have to wait for tomorrow.
 
My parents even forgot to buy me my birthday cake. And I didn't remind them. There's a slice of Oreo Ice Cream cake left over from my sister's birthday, and I've been saving it for awhile.
 
They did feel bad about it though, and tried to make it up for me with one birthday ritual: blowing out the candles.
 
The place the small green candle in front of me, one my Mom usually uses for aroma therapy. The scent of green apples fill the air.
 
Blowing the birthday candles is synonymous with making the birthday wish. Does anyone else find it a bit strange? We're asked to thing about our wishes and hopes by having these gentle flames lit in front of us, these little beacons of orange light. Then we're asked to blow them out, as if their disappearance makes all those wishes come true.
 
What did I really want right now? I really have no idea.
 
I look at the faces of my smiling family, think about the life that awaits for me in less than two weeks. I think about the friends I've just met, the friends I'm leaving behind, but so far with gladness and cheer.
 
What more could I really ask for?
 
Make a wish.
 
I blow upon the candle and watch the restless flame die.
 
But I don't dare to wish for anything more.
 
--Karin Novelia, Birthday Girl

Off The Grid: Day 11

Just bursting with energy today. Found myself having difficulties last night (still got zero hour's of sleep in me) and I think I'm just waiting for the crash to come. I ran around this morning, even had sushi for breakfast. I planned on going on doing some Pre-Move Shopping and listing things I wanna bring along. Sadly, didn't leave the house as planned.

In other news, my Twitter timeline which was just bursting with Halloween pics, made me envious of the other side of the world. I strongly stand by my opinion that if I chopped my hair and curled it up a bit, I'd be an decent Sherlock/Fourth Doctor. Which I guess says I have a thing for scarves. Haha.

I can't seem to focus too long on a single train of thought. Might be the buzz, but I can feel it wearing off. Might turn in early tonight.

And sorry for such a horrid, useless post.

Goodnight, readers.

--Karin Novelia

The Stories, They All Sound the Same (Off The Grid: Day 10)

My brain is seething. I'm bubbling with hundreds of new ideas. They just keep welling up.
 
Perhaps it's possible to control thoughts to a certain extent, but to stop thinking is asking too much. My head is teeming with beguiling notions, I'm not able to fix them before they're ousted by new thoughts. I can't keep them apart.
 
I'm rarely able to remember my thoughts. Before I manage to dwell on one of my inspirations, it generally melts into an even better idea, but this, too, is so fickle of character that I struggle to save it from the constant volcanic stream of new ideas...
 
I read the opening paragraphs of Jostein Gardner's The Ringmaster's Daughter and my mind instantly recalls the dozens of notebooks filled with half-baked ideas, the pages and pages of synopses, each unique and pertaining to a specific story, typed up on my laptop.

I throw a glance at my window, to make sure Jostein Gardner isn't somehow keeping an eye on me. I feel vulnerable, exposed. Like someone decided to write about me on paper.  I feel a strange relation to his character who as you can probably tell, is something of a writer.

Then I think of every other fictional aspiring writer I've seen/read and realize I'm probably just a mass of their quirks and idiosyncrasies. I'm a collection of writer stereotypes. Except maybe for that whole childhood trauma aspect...

This "writer" brought to life in The Ringmaster's Daughter is named Petter, and I do share his pain. Whenever I let my brain roam too far it just starts churning, spitting out ideas and stories. I can write out a synopsis fairly easy. My ideas usually start out being so abstract -- a random scene here, a piece of dialogue there. I can expand it, detail it, to as long as 4-5 pages, at best. When I try to expand it even further, that's when I fumble with the words.

I suppose I lack the focus to write a novel. Like Petter, I also lack patience and soundness of mind. Sitting still in front of a desk can be unnerving. More often then not it feels like a waste of time, it's frustrating and tedious. No sooner after I begin typing, my mind is racing farther ahead. My hands may be set on writing down one scene, yet my brain is already working on another.

There's one aspect where I Petter and I differ. I'm unshakeable on my becoming a writer, despite the difficulties. Petter however, doesn't see the point. He has no intention of becoming a writer. He finds it a shame though, when his ideas are left untouched. That's when he comes up with a strange business idea. He'll sell his ideas, make his living out of it. Sell ideas and stories to aspiring writers who find themselves with nothing to say.

Little Petter Spider becomes the cure for the dreaded writer's block, weaving his own web of manipulation.
 
At last I've decided what I want to be. I shall continue doing what I've always done, but from now on I'll make a living out of it. I don't feel the need to be famous, that's an important consideration, but I could still become extremely rich.
 
Petter starts out as a very precocious child. He learns to talk and read and write before the age of four. He's quiet and in his head. He's creative, definitely. But he is also pretty damaged.

When he starts to decide to sell his ideas, through this ominous platform he dubs "Writer's Aid", it's a dubious trade. Petter cherished anonimity above everything, and although what he's trying to sell is something that's in demand in the writing community, he knows there's a risk. A risk of getting caught, being mistrusted and hunted down.

He pays attention to make his clients feel exclusive to his services when they're not. He builds up their trust, makes them believe he'll never spill the beans. Little Petter Spider catches his victims within his web with promises not to eat them. All the while he thinks he's doing them -- and himself -- a great service.

And I strangely found myself agreeing with him. That what he's doing is almost justified.

It's interesting to see into Petter's psyche. Although he was quiet and unsociable as a child, he grew up to be quite the people person. He's amiable, able to carry a conversation. But at times he simply uses that to his advantage. Every writer, editor, friend is merely an expansion of his network. A business opportunity, or a casual relationship to make him feel less lonely when he wants company. Some might call him a sociopath.

The result of this casual approach to relationships leads him to trouble, as we find out in the final chapters of the book.

He has pretty eccentric views. Jostein Gardner is known for being philisophical in his writings, and seeing some views from Petter sets the mind going. The thing about Petter is that he's a story-teller. And so projects these view in short stories he tells throughout the course of the novel.

All in all, I loved The Ringmaster's Daughter. It's thought-provoking and insightful, with a touch of fantasy. Some might find the material a bit heavy, but it's worth the read. Petter is a complex character, the kind reader's would love to unravel as they read. The plot was original, cohesive. A must-read really, for writers.

(My name was eerily mentioned in the book, which was just unnerving and let's hope not foretelling)

There's one specific aspect of the story which I find interesting. While selling in Writer's Aid, Petter made sure he never sold the same idea twice, to prevent suspicion. But as the book came to the end, ironically, I realized there were parallels spreading throughout the entire thing. I began to see how a short story told when he was older happened to correspond to things that happened to him as kid, and vice versa, a story he told when he was younger strangely related to something that happened later in his life.

A coincidence? Maybe. But then again, maybe not.

There's a huge debate in the writing world on whether or not anything anyone comes up is really "original" at all. Like Sherlock Holmes once said, "There is nothing new under the sun. It has all been done before."

Somewhere out there, someone's falling for their best friend. Someone is cheating on someone they love. A little kid is chasing their dream. Someone's getting married, getting divorced. Someone's celebrating a birthday, going to a concert. Someone's fighting for what they believe in. Someone's moving to another country. Someone's taking a leap of faith.

It's a weird thing when you think about. But it's undeniable too. They may differ in the details, but when you strip down the stories, they all sound the same.

And that makes me wonder whether I have anything worth saying at all.

--Karin Novelia, Just Bursting With Ideas

Off The Grid: Day 9

What is guilt but the emotional manisfestations of our regrets? My impending move sure has let a few of those resurface. I can't help but look back at all that has happened. All the people I've met and spent time with. All the problems I had to deal with.

There are things that everyone wish they could change. Words they wish they could take back, things they wish they could undo.

Those feelings of guilt can't change all that. At a certain point, it's neccessary to feel guilty. It makes you aware of your mistakes and keeps you from repeating them. 

But guilt can also be a paralytic. We blame ourselves too much that we wallow in our shame and self-pity. We feel so ashamed that we don't have the nerve to even talk about. We keep it to ourselves, piling within our hearts until it's blocked out all things positive.

Mr Chan, who teaches at SJI (Saint Joseph's Institution, the male half of the scholarship deal) gave the boys some early homework and I gladly checked it out myself. He directed us towards the BBC podcasts (the link here) called "60 second idea to improvee the world" specifically, the entitled "Guilty Blue Ribbon Moment".

A Jordanian writer named Fadia Faqir presents this idea: What if every morning, when you're feeling guilty, you'd tie a blue ribbon around your wrist/neck and leave the house wearing it? I find it compelling that this idea comes from a writer who lives in a restricted country, where some issues are even considered taboo to bring up.

This presents a new way of expressing guilt. You let it known without really saying it aloud yourself. People would obviously be aware of the blue ribbon. Whether they acknowledged or ignored it would be their decision.

But that's the thing about guilt. We prefer it to be ignored, left in the darkest corners of our mind. The one thing that's harder than letting yourself make a mistake, is admitting doing so.

But is ignoring the guilt really going to help? As hard as it is to talk about things that make us feel ashamed, this paradigm that we need to talk about things, might help normalise and eradicate those feelings. We'll see that everyone has does feelings, that everyone feels ashamed about something. And in the end, that might make us feel that we have nothing to be ashamed about at all.

Mr Chan posed some interesting questions for us to think about, making us think about things we feel guilty about. Moving to another country itself poses some interesting regrets. When I look back on my years here in Indonesia, I feel the need to compare them to my years in the Philippines. When I moved from there to Indonesia, I felt like I had to let go of the golden years. When I think about leaving Indonesia now I kinda feel... relieved.

Like I'm just getting out of a 5-year prison sentence.

Okay, I know that sounds a bit... extreme. But my time here wasn't really the best. In a way, I guess I should feel grateful. Adversity only makes you stronger right?

But the time constraints, create a different problem. I'd really like to leave with a clean slate. Get the red out of my ledger, as a special-skill-set agent once said. I'm leaving in 2 weeks. And that really doesn't feel like a lot of time. There are things to prepare, goodbyes that will ultimately be said. And perhaps, closure that needs to be felt, but I might not have the time to find.

Hmm...

There's also this other type of guilt. Guilt that we inflict upon ourselves when really, it's not even our fault. Fadia shared an experience of having a family member assaulted due to racial discrimination. She wasn't involved in the assault, the way she talks about makes me think she wasn't even there to witness it. But to a certain level, she felt guilty. She felt like she could've, should've done something about it.

There's one truth I know that terrifies me. There are just some things that are beyond your control. And even when the bad things that happen are the results of other people's doing, you still blame yourself. Because you know you're the only thing that you can fully control, and you know better than to blame everything else. This all strangely relates to a story between a boy, a girl and the blatant abuse of the Twitter site.

On another, more solemn note, I heard news today about a friend of a fellow scholar passing away due to cancer. I pray that her soul now finds peace and offer my condolences to those left behind.

Even when you barely know the person, a death will always make you reevaluate your life. This person's situation reminds of this movie called Third Star.

It stars Benedict Cumberbatch (who is known for his portrayal of Sherlock Holmes) as James, a cancer-ridden man with only a few months to live. In light of that recent realization, he decides to set off on a trip with his mates to his most favorite place in the world, Barafundle Bay.

The movie is poignant, moving and also revolves around the topic of 'guilt'. A guilt of a life not lived to the fullest. A guilt of not having enough time to say goodbye.

Things became all the more heart-breaking when (spoiler alert) James walked into the bay waters with no intention of coming back. And it wasn't because he lost hope. The past few days showed him that life is truly something beautiful. He didn't want the cancer to take his life, take away his freedom of choice. He wanted to beat the cancer. And he was ready to say goodbye.

Sadness is an inevitable thing. Everyone experiences it at some point in there lives. Sometimes I go looking for it, sadistic as that may seem. I see it as a thing that needs to be found, to be felt and understood. Only then can we value true happiness, when we dare to dive into that sadness.

But like James in those waters of Barafundle Bay, it is a choice of our own making whether or not we let ourselves drown.

Just some food for thought. Thanks for reading.

--Karin Novelia

Off The Grid: Day 8

Almost went to sleep without blogging tonight. Haha.

Well, you can't blame me. Don't really have much to say considering I had a less than wonderful day. Headache was still strongly pounding when I woke up. I need to get out of the house soon. Preparation for The Move needs to get kick started soon, so I guess that'll be interesting.

Another reason for the late night post: I got so caught in the group chat that I forgot. Now don't see this as me bailing on the whole Off The Grid thing. I could on for much longer (trust me, I already did so once) but I did miss those crazy guys and...

I was... strangely.... (now I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way) missed (?) And that was seriously something I wasn't expecting.

P.S. "Someone who has never seen a picture of Darren Criss and not called him an uncouth name is not a true fan" -- Tumblr. So true. That jerk and his Moonrise Kingdom costume.

Goodnight, dear reader.

--Karin Novelia

Off The Grid: Day 7

If a post were to not come up on this blog today, the reason would be technical difficulties. Tonight, the electricity in my house, along with most houses on my block, powered down. It was one of those sweeping blackouts that make you feel like they go on forever. At one point, I did think the blackout would at least last the night. And I kinda welcomed it.

I tied up my hair and washed my face. No electricity meant no air-conditioning, no fans and that can quickly make some feel stifled and sweaty. To get away from the heat, I spent my time outside. It was around 5 p.m. and the sky was beginning to dark. The evening brought along a good friend, the cool night air. In between the grey clouds, a full moon hung pristinely up above and it was by this moonlight that I spent the time reading.

It brought me great serenity, reading in the dark with nothing to guide you but nature's eternal night-light. I  felt like the clocks had started ticking counter-clockwise -- I had jumped to an age without electricity and the things nature had to offer seemed much taken for granted nowadays in comparison.

It felt nice, to have the imagination going without fear of being seen. My parents once said I had a stoic face. That my expression left something to be desired. I find that simply because I was trying to keep my features in check -- when I start thinking, my facial tics are a bit unsightly.

And sometimes the face betrays what the mind would rather not impart.

But this time, I felt comfortable. I smirked, I winced, I wiggled my eyebrows and scrunched up my nose to every new reaction/idea/emotion reading had pulled to the surface.

When the night had grown too dark to read, I retreated inside where my mother had set up a few burning candles. I sat down on the dining table and opened my book close to these. Reading by moonlight, by candlelight. It had this archaic feel to it, really. Watching the flames flicker and dance upon the pages sometimes made the words look like they've come alive. They moved and disappear from sight, black-ink creatures that the eye and mind needed to focus on capturing.

I'm in the middle of reading Jostein Gaarder's The Ringmaster's Daughter. It is strangely relevant to what's going through my mind right now. Funny how reading seems to be so sporadic and serendipitious at the same time. Jostein Gaarder is known be philosophical in his writing. In fact, one of his more prominent novels, Sophie's World is a must-read for anyone who truly wants to explore the subject. So far, the book has made me rethink a few things and confront my own musings which I disregarded up 'till now.

It's so engrossing that it may warrant a book review soon.

I'm going to sleep early today. I had immense trouble sleeping yesterday and the night before and it seems to have accumulated into this relentless migraine. Hopefully, it will go away tomorrow morning.

Another thought: I'm starting to miss my phone blowing up with friends' chat. I'm not sure whether I want to keep this off the grid thing going or not. I really just did it to make myself more productive -- which I really believe I've achieved.

It's been a week already. Maybe that should suffice? Well, I'll make up my mind tomorrow. Thing's always seem clearer in the morning.

Goodnight, and thank you for tuning in.

--Karin Novelia

Off The Grid: Day 6

Had a wonderful day today with the fam. So much that I nearly forgot about the blog post. Well, with yesterday's piece, I'm pretty much out of writing fuel, so this'll prolly be brief.

Saw Looper today (finally!) and I must admit it was pretty amazing. I loved how Rian Johnson decided to keep things a little linear in a time-travel plot. You worry less about paradoxes and the illogical-ness of it all and just focus on what happens in the story at that moment. But then again I do enjoy the 'loop' thing you can do with them, it's practically a writer's gold mine. The mechanisms made sense, though I'm still not sure about the ending. Acting was impeccable -- especially from the little kid who played Cid. It sent shivers up my spine, seriously. Ever since I saw the Looper poster, I did question the appearance of Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Then I realized it was to make him look a little more Bruce Willis-esque (though I still question the thickness of his eyebrows) and that added to Joseph's performance. He didn't seem to care that it wasn't really his face that was popping up on screen -- on the contrary, he immersed himself into the character even more, down to that voice.

All in all Looper was original, one of the best scripts I've seen, beautifully shot and well-paced with amazing actors to boot. Will gladly come back to it, if only to watch Joe's face all over again <3>
I've realized one thing today. That despite my slight anxiety to deal with anything that has to do with crowds, I was completely calm today and yesterday when I went out. The malls were packed, I even got crammed into an elevator at one point. But I was calm, and walking at a speed that was (for me at least) slow.

For once in my life I didn't have this obssessive need to rush.

Maybe this off the grid thing is working after all.

--Karin Novelia

The Lives That We Lead (Off The Grid: Day 5)

If I should have a daughter
Instead of “Mom”
She’s gonna call me “Point B”
Because that way, she knows
That no matter what happens
At least she can always find her way to me

The first opening lines of this TED talk leave me somewhat transfixed. Clever. And poetic, very poetic.

I stumbled through the archives of TED talks one morning, looking for something to inspire me. Not so much to change my life entirely, but one that at least helps me get through the day. I’m drawn to the talk done by Sarah Kay. The still that serves as the video’s thumbnail is stunning. You can see that she’s in the middle of a spirited performance. There’s this sparkle in her eyes, this radiance from her face.

And the term “spoken word poet” piqued my interest.

Spoken word poetry, as Sarah describes it, is the love child between poetry and theatre. It’s about writing poetry that cannot sit still on paper. It demands to be read aloud, performed. And unlike written poetry where the people who reads it feels something amazing in a private and personal level, spoken word creates connections in the moment it is spoken and heard and seen, bridging the performer and the audience.
When I meet you, in that moment
I’m no longer a part of your future
I start quickly becoming part of your past
But in that instant, I get to share your present
And you, you get to share mine.
And that is the greatest present of all
It becomes apparent that stories and words are a huge part of Sarah’s life. I am amazed by how much I can relate to her. How we share such similar sentiments, share a love of words and stories. We see the world as one giant playground, one endless stage. In another talk entitled “How many lives can you live?” Sarah explores what you can do in a lifetime. Like me, she believed that she would get to do amazing things. Things that depended not on terms of ‘if’ but simply ‘when’.
“My Mom says that when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my typical response was princess-ballerina-astronaut. What she doesn’t understand is that I wasn’t trying to invent some combined super profession, I was listing things I thought I was gonna get to be.” -- Sarah Kay on her childhood dreams
Feeling like you have all the time in the world makes the horrible realization that you don’t all the more jarring. It’s scary to think that you only get one shot, only get to do a fraction of the things you want to experience. Because dammit I’ve just discovered how wonderful life can be and I want to spent every single moment feeling that way. 
I want her to look at the world
Through the underside of a glass-bottom boat
To look through a microscope at the galaxies
That exists on the pinpoint of a human mind

Sarah imparts a few words of wisdom, something that I guess I knew a long time ago but didn’t fully accept or understand until now. There is a way we can live multiple lives. Perhaps not personally, not through our own eyes but through the eyes of other people. And there is a tool that can help achieve that: stories. That’s why I open a book and read. I want to experience those stories — other people’s stories and catch a glimpse of what life is like from the other side.

That’s why connections are so important. That’s why story-telling is so important. It’s this sharing of experience and knowledge that can shape you as a person, and perhaps to an extent, shape the world. I’m not so good with interacting with people. Not because I don’t like them. As much as I like spending time on my own, I do like spending time with other people too and I have never purposefully tried to avoid that. Maybe I shy away from it — hey, that’s just my awkwardness shining through.

As much as I enjoy talking about things like TV, movies, music, I can’t shake the feeling that everyone has their guard up. I have trouble getting into what’s real. Not that I expect it to be easy, I just didn’t think it’d be this hard, to hear and be heard. It almost sounds impossible.
But I see the impossible every day
Impossible is trying to connect in this world
Trying to hold onto others while things are blowing up around you
Knowing that while you’re speaking
They aren’t just waiting for their turn to talk – they hear you.
They feel exactly what you feel, at the same time you feel it
It’s what I strive for every time I open my mouth —
That impossible connection

There are two kinds of stories: stories that we experience second-hand, stories that we hear from other people. And then there are stories that we write. Stories that only we can tell because we’re the only one in this universe who sees the world the way we do. And that’s something I keep in mind, every time I pick up a pen or sit in front of a keyboard, fingers poised ready to write.

I may not be sure that I’m saying what I want to say with the best words possible but I do feel that I have something worth saying. Something that comes from me — from my mind, my heart. That’s why being a journalist sounded like the perfect dream. Not only could I go out and enjoy the world, I could write it all down too. Not only did I get to tell my own stories, I could go out and listen, go looking for other people’s. And hopefully, with enough patience and skill, I could help them share their stories.

I may not get it right the first time. I might find pain and sorrow and heartache and find myself unable to find the right words to say. But that doesn’t mean I can’t try.
There’ll be days like this my momma said…
… When your boots will fill with rain
And you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment
And those are the days you have all the more reason to say thank you
Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way
The ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline
No matter how many times it’s sent away

If at this point in this essay, I’ve sounded a bit too pretentious for you to hear me out, then watch the videos and listen to Sarah Kay. She is a much more talented story-teller than I am and I can only hope to come close to what she’s doing with her life.

This world can seem big and so, so scary. And things tend to go in a way that you never planned and never expected to happen. But never give into that nagging feeling that you’re too small to matter. You might see someone, someone who’s famous and talented and brilliant and although you admire them, you feel yourself shrink away, feel insecure just by comparison.

There’s really nothing to compare in the first place. Sure, someone else may look like they’re living the perfect life, but that’s their life, their story. And you have one of your own, one that’s just waiting to unfold.

Don’t give up. Just keep on trying, keep on striving to be someone better, someone like those people you looked up to in the first place. Someone you know you can be.
You will put the wind in win some, lose some
You will put the star in starting over and over.
And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute
Be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life

It may not seem like we can do much in one lifetime. But think about what we can do together through the lives that we lead. Lives that intersect and feed of one another’s energies, hopes and dreams. Lives that demand to be lived, listened to, appreciated and shared.

The life I’m leading has been a pretty confusing one so far. It’s a life that’s been revolving around words, stories and connections. And even as I write this imperfect essay, struggling to find the words I realize how much those words have given me, how much they’ve taught me.

A few closing words taken from Sarah:
This isn’t my first time here. This isn’t my last time here.
These aren’t the last words I’ll share.
But just in case, I’m trying my hardest
To get it right this time around.

Thanks for reading.

--Karin Novelia. And yes, on a scale of one to over trusting, I am pretty damn naïve.

*The quotes above may not be taken from the same poem/video
1). The lines in blue are from Sarah Kay's poem "Point B" and red is "Hiroshima" which can be heard here
2). The quote in green is from her talk "How many lives can you live?" posted here

Off The Grid: Day 4

Don't have much to say today. Well, actually I do, just don't have much time. Pretty low-key day. I did some knitting, watched a few things. I almost played the guitar but when I picked it up I realized one of the strings had broken, so that's postponed for now.

I am planning to write an insightful essay, first thing tomorrow morning. It's about Sarah Kay, words, stories, life and a feeling there's more to this world than you'll ever be able to comprehend. So yeah, hopefully you can look forward to that.

I'd elaborate a little more, but I find myself unable to focus here.

The juices are flowing and my fingers are flying across the keyboard, chaining together the words and weaving the story.

I'm writing. Like a child whose just discovered how magical it can be.

I haven't felt like this in a long time.

--Karin Novelia

Off The Grid: Day 3

I slept really comfortably the other night. It might have something to do with letting the anxieties out. Or maybe the fact I was just really sore after a long day. Needless to say, I overslept a bit and was a bit sluggish the rest of the day. I'm already sleepy as I write this, so I'll just fangirl here a bit.

THINGS I'M THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW:
  1. The Iron Man 3 trailer is ah-may-zing. Hopefully has some more depth than Iron Man 2.
  2. Spending half an hour watching movie trailers is like having a whole marathon in 1/1000 of the time.
  3. Cloud Atlas, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Hobbit and Skyfall. Can't wait for those.
  4. I HAVEN'T CAUGHT LOOPER AT THE CINEMA YET, THAT'S NOT OKAY.
  5. Darren Criss is just freakin' adorable and an inspiration (can't stress that enough). His Beatles impression makes me double over with laughter.
  6. Sarah Kay, who I saw do a talk on TED is inspiring too. Just to see a woman so young and driven, makes you believe that aspiring to be like that isn't all that delusional. Will be delving a little deeper into poetry now.
  7. The Doctor will always know the right thing to say.
  8. Poker is really, really addictive...
  9. Kigurumis are pretty rad.
  10. Square Enix is one of the best video game developers out there. I downloaded a game called "Symphonica" from the App Store and I pretty much fell in love with it.
  11. Playing Kingdom Hearts is not easy.
  12. Itching to play Eternal Sonata again. Darn you, handsomely animated Chopin...
  13. THE LAST THING SEVERUS SNAPE SAW BEFORE HE DIED WAS LILY'S EYES. I can't handle these feels. (The Deathly Hallows Part II is playing on HBO as I type)
  14. Speaking of Harry Potter, rewatching AVPS and it never seems to lose its charm. I'M SORRY DID I JUST STUTTER~
  15. Have come to realize the only time I can write properly is in bite-sized chunks. Might not be a bad thing, when I think about it.
  16. What's with all the shows going on hiatus after just 4/5 episodes? Castle and How I Met Your Mother are MIA this week. Glee won't be back 'till November. I still have The Break-Up feels for heaven's sake.
  17. Oh, but The Vampire Diaries and Pretty Little Liars are back on. Delena and Ezria all the way.
  18. Once Upon a Time has excellent casting. I mean Colin O'Donaghue as Captain Hook? You're doing it right.
  19. "I think it's very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person." -- Oscar Wilde. A quote that strangely popped into my head this morning. Quite fitting, really.
  20. Still strangely addicted to knitting (I swear the word just tastes funny in my mouth). After my stab at making a scarf, a cable-knit beret is next on the list. Preferably one that's TARDIS blue ;)
  21. Oh, sister called in sick today, spent most of the day with her. It was fun, spending time with her always is.
  22. Ed Sheeran. Ryan Star. Teddy Geiger. Go search those names and listen to these talented, musically-oriented people.
  23. There's this underlying beauty for the simple things in life, one that is, sadly, deeply overlooked and underappreciated.
Hmm. All out of thoughts. I love how I ended on the number 23. Well, anyways, mighty sleepy now.

Goodnight and may you, dear reader, have lovely, magical dreams.

--Karin Novelia, Professional Fangirl

Off The Grid: Day 2

I don't know what it is. This feeling I get everytime I lay my head down for bed. I have this need to just stand or sit still. Completely still. So still that if anyone paid attention long enough they'd probably think I stopped breathing. That for all intents and purposes, my body had just shut down, rejecting any form of physical movement.

My eyes, I imagine, looked dead. But inside my head and heart were racing.

There's this one day during the Retreat, the few days that still makes me wince when I think about it, where we had sessions with a psychology team from UI (University of Indonesia). To be honest, as interesting as the session was, I felt completely uncomfortable. Like I was being put under a microscope when the last thing I wanted was to be psycho-analyzed. Especially in front of this group of people I had just gotten to know.

The kind uni students (or graduates, I forgot which) who talked to us that day were extremely kind. They carefully gauged the atmosphere of the room -- we were all pretty tuckered out from the previous day's exhausting outbound -- and paced the session accordingly. They were open to listen to our opinions, giving us a chance to analyze our own and each other's answers to the scenarios and questions given.

I was doing pretty fine at first. We weren't pressured to give out our answers, which others could maybe jump to conclusions about. It felt nice to have these personal revelations about yourself. Even looking into the dark corners of your mind felt okay, simply because you were the only one seeing them. But during the final hours of the session, we were asked to imagine what our lives would be like in 10 years. How we imagined our own selves to be.

Those are the kind of questions that paralyze me. Not the ones that have A, B or Cs to choose from. The open-ended questions that let your imagination run wild, that disregard the concept of right or wrong.

But my biggest fear is that I'd let it run much too far. That I'd be setting myself up for disappointment when I set the bar too high.

When we were asked to write them down, I looked down at the small square of origami paper and laughed aloud. I would need much more space than this. I'd probably need to reduce the Amazon rain forest by half just to get enough paper. With each little wish I jotted down (each a bit vague in handsight -- I had trouble pinning down specifics because it felt obssessive) I smiled and laughed and winced. It felt fun at first. Day-dreaming, playing dress-up and writing down a whole person's history.

At some point, I remembered that that person was supposed to be me.

The longer the list became, the more this sadness seemed to embrace me. I felt like I was hoping for far too much, wanting far too much. I felt insecure, delusional. Like I was making myself believe in the impossible because that's what I thought I was writing.

Most advice an adult gives you when you talk about your future runs along this main point: "Find the one thing your good at and go with it. Even if you're terrible at everything else, be good at that one thing and you'll mean something. You can be someone worth remembering."

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to fall into that state of mind. The paradigm that demanded I choose just one thing. Because I can't. I really, really can't. So on that strange little bucket list of mine I had a billion things going at once: I wanted to be a musician, a photographer, an actor, an author, a dancer, a journalist. And the more I accumulated those little desires, the more I felt my heart constrict.

This is too much, I say to myself over and over again even as I continue to write. Then the young woman who was giving the lectures, said we were to present our dreams in front of everyone else, making me even more flustered.

There's no way I could read everything I wrote. I'd be up there all night, if it really came to that. I felt embarassed more than anything. They'd laugh. If anyone was to hear every single thing I dream of, I really believe they'd laugh. Hell, I'd even laugh. I do laugh at the mere ridiculousness of my notions.

So when my turn came up, I didn't read everything I wrote. You might find it surprising when I say that I had no trouble singling out what I did feel comfortable with confessing aloud. A journalist. It made sense didn't it? Everyone keeps on saying that I have this gift for writing (though I strongly think that's debatable). Whenever anyone asks me about my future, that's my go-to answer. Journalism. Writing novels. It has always sounded like the obvious choice, the safest answer. But I always say such things with reservations.

The person who gives out that answer sounds like a robot. I swear that person doesn't even sound like me. It was a dream I once craved for. One that lit my eyes, my entire being. But that flame of passion has long been doused. It's not that I don't like writing anymore. I still do. It's just that I'm pretty much clueless right now. I have no idea what I'm doing, being a journalist doesn't even seem realistic any more.

And that's the funny thing about dreams, isn't it? They rarely seem that way.

I spent the entire day, juggling with this, finding the reason why I felt so conflicted anyway. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I like to read. Immerse myself in the stories of other people. And when you hear so many wonderful and inspiring things happen to all types of people, you can't help but feel that you want a taste of that too. A taste of every single flavor.

I also remember waking up a few years ago and realizing that one day, I'm going to die (morbid thoughts for a pre-teen to have, I know). I feel like George Zinavoy in the movie The Art of Getting By. But instead of the awareness of my morality making me feel like nothing matters anymore, it's pushed me to believe that everything does. I feel like the clock keeps on ticking and I barely have enough time to make something of myself before it runs out.

I wonder what my parents would say if I told them this. How I have all these little dreams in my head, that conflict with one another too often to be plausible. My Dad would probably be the voice of reason. He doesn't mean to be cynical or harsh when he says things like that, he's just realistic. "Noone can be all of those things," he'd probably say.

But can noone really? Can't someone be able to do all those amazing things?

Can't that someone be me?

That question lingers for a long time in my head after I snap out of one of my 'trances'. I take a deep breath and try to shake off that manic buzz.

Maybe, I manage to convince myself sometimes. And when I do, I find myself sound asleep.

-- Karin Novelia, Hopeless Dreamer

Off The Grid: Day 1

I've had a pretty productive day today. I went swimming the evening prior, which has left me pretty wiped, but I still managed to wake up slightly early and stretch this morning. I had a light breakfast and spent the morning alone, as my Mom went out to pick up my Dad from the airport. I was happy to see him home. He looked tired, but satisfied, just like he did after every trip. He told me stories, showed me some souvenirs. And like every trip, he brought home some chocolates :)

My Dad was pretty tired too and soon took a nap. I wrote and read and drew. It was nice. Having a whole day with no fixed schedule, I could drift back and forth to the little things I liked to do, not having to worry about time or motivation. And though many would prefer a relaxed day, not trying to doing several things before the sun came down, this leisurely-busy pace was perfect for me. It kept me occupied, kept me from being bored.

Going off the grid has proven to have its merits. I've barely touched my phone all day, which in itself could be called an accomplishment. I don't feel the need to check my messages or my Twitter or my Skype. And it's relieving in a way, not having to think about those social neccessities, even if just for a little while.

I've also put up the next chapter of one of my short stories here, in the previous post. It's not much, I know, but it moves the story forward a bit, and if anything, it's a start.

And I've come to fully realize how much I savour being alone. I haven't had a chance to breathe in awhile. Let's just hope I can collect my breath before I have to brave the waters again.

Thanks for reading!

--Karin Novelia

Death's Remedy, Chapter 1: The Man in the Wheelchair

Chapter 1
The Man in the Wheelchair

Remedy sat on her plain, white hospital bed hearing the faint conspiratorial whispers of what must’ve been her doctor and her mother by the door. Their silhouettes were outlined on the thin curtains that covered the glass that looked into her semi-private room.

But there was no mistaking that third shadow. A blurry mass of darkness that fluttered down the hallway slowly and silently, at ease with itself as it was unseen by everyone else— except Remedy.

“Hello there,” she said aloud to the empty air in front of her. “Have you come for me?”

The shadow had left her sight, making a decent way past her room. Once Remedy had chosen to speak she heard a soft hiss, not agitated like a cobra about to strike but rather one that sounded bored and curious. A gust of wind hit the room coming from no feasible point of origin, making the curtains sway.

Remedy continued to stare in front of her, as an entity she couldn’t quite make out appeared by the side of her bed. The air shifted and rippled, like mirage lines on a steamy desert day. The problem was that Remedy couldn’t see it, she could only sense its strong presence. And it wasn’t for a lack of trying either. No matter how hard Remedy tried to turn her head, her neck became stiff and simply wouldn’t move, as if it was part of the creature’s design to prevent itself from being seen.

“You might as well get it over with then,” she said. “I just got here though. Might be a relief to the doctors... This hospital’s full enough as it is without me hogging a semi-private.”

The harbinger of death let out a shrill noise. Remedy imagined that it was smiling, possibly laughing. They usually did when they talked to her. Just as suddenly as it had come, the shadow flew back into the hall and glided away.

It didn’t come for me then, Remedy thought. If not me then… who?

The sudden turn of the door knob pulled Remedy back into reality. A middle-aged doctor in his thirties stepped in with a head full of brown hair and a bulky body of tanned skin. “Remedy?” Dr. Gillian called for his patient’s attention.

“That’s me.” Remedy’s eyes met her mother’s for a moment. She walked in behind the doctor, smiling. But the smile that was on her lips did not reflect the sadness that was in her eyes.

“How are you feeling, dear?” Mrs. Letum sat on the edge of her bed and held her daughter’s hand. Remedy flinched and pulled away.

“I’m fine,” she said as she saw the concern creep on her mother’s features. “A bit dizzy, but fine. I’m feeling better though. Can we go home…?”

“I’m afraid we can’t let you leave, Remedy,” Dr. Gillian said. “Your condition turns out to be a bit more severe than we thought.”

Remedy’s eyebrows rose in confusion. “I told you. I just... fell down the stairs. Did I break something…?”

“Well, you said yourself you weren’t sure why you fell down the stairs. Your mother said you’d been pale and faint these past few days and we did a blood test to make sure. And the results… came back as Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.”

The blank look on Remedy’s face showed no reaction. The doctor felt an explanation was in order. “It’s a type of…”

“Blood cancer.” Remedy turned to her mother and gave a dismal smile. “Like the one Grandpa had.”

Mrs. Letum’s grip on her daughter’s bedside tightened and her face blanched. She broke their meeting gaze and stood up, wandering to the open window that looked over the back lot of the hospital. Dr. Gillian watched her reaction curiously, but decided it was not his place to inquire. He took up the seat Mrs. Letum just left and leaned towards Remedy.

He spoke in a gentle tone. “I understand how this might come as a shock. But there are treatments available for this disease. If you’re feeling better, we could discuss which could be best for you with your mother. We can find a way to cure you. If you need to talk about this with someone we could call in a counselor and —”

Remedy gave an airy nod as she inched her way off her bed. Her head felt a little light and her leg still throbbed from her fall, but otherwise she felt fine and strangely alert. She could hear a crash come from a room somewhere down the hall and approached the door.

“Remedy,” John called out to her, grabbing her lightly by the shoulder. “Please come back and sit. We still need to talk about a few things…”

She simply shook her head and shrugged John’s hand off when another crash, louder this time, caught his ear as well. John sidestepped in front of Remedy and came into the hallway, seeing a few nurses rushing into said room presumably taking care of some patient. As another doctor came up to John for a consultation, Remedy slipped past him and ran towards the room.

Remedy saw an old man with cobblestone grey hair and tanned skin, sitting in a wheelchair. He seemed angry, shouting at the nurse who tried to placate him, pushing him back down every time he tried to get up on his feet. A monitor and an IV stand were on their side on the floor, having been knocked over in his rebellious attempts.

“Let me go!” he said in a voice that was heavy and scratchy after years of use. “I need to see her!”

As Remedy kept her gaze on the floor, she noticed something out of place. The number of shoes was odd. Mathematically speaking. She saw the white sneakers of the nurse peeking out from his blue scrubs and snuck inside a little further to see if she could find the pair of the old man’s slipper. When she reached a vantage point that could see to the other side of the bed, Remedy gasped as she saw a stub of flesh for his left leg, being cut off by the knee as opposed to seeing where the rest of his leg was supposed to be.

That was the last Remedy could see as a firm hand pulled her by the collar and back into her room. She looked up to the face the hand belonged to and saw her mother, stoic and quiet as always. “You shouldn’t wander off in a hospital like this. You might catch something.”

“Something worse than cancer?” Remedy mumbled just loud enough for her to hear.

Remedy lay back down on her bed, staring at the faded white ceiling as her mother and Dr. Gillian discussed treatment options. The mention of chemotherapy made her eyes flick to them every once in a while, but she was too immersed in her own thoughts.

Her mind couldn’t stop thinking about the man in the other room. The one who seemed so upset to find himself in the hospital in the first place. Not that Remedy couldn’t relate to the feeling. He however was more than upset. He was furious, practically volatile. He had cuts on his face and arms, bruises on his neck and legs. He looked like he had been in an accident. He and someone else.

Remedy recalled the amputated leg and shuddered. She saw that by his feet was a black cat. One with sharp claws and wide, mesmerizing green eyes. It turned to Remedy as soon as she came, and it let out a sound that was familiar and terrifying. It let out a soft hiss.

“That man’s going to die soon,” she thought aloud, making her mother and John Gillian freeze mid-speech.