So Much To Look Forward To

New Year's Eve has always been celebratory. You go out, have a nice time, milking the last few hours in the year for what it's worth. You can't help but be a little nostalgic and reflect back on the year. Can you believe it? Another year has just gone by, poof, just like that.

And honestly, my year has definitely been one hell of a ride.

Keeping a blog was one thing I always was determined to keep. It's like this diary of mine, a record of what's happened, something I'll want to read back on in the future, something that will show me, and others, what has happened in my life, what I've gone through and what progress I've made.

I spent the last few days re-reading my old blog posts, and honestly I'm just about close to tears. So in this 2011 recap post, I'll be attaching links of related posts throughout. I'm not sure how to recap this year, since I've really already written most of what happened into those individual posts.

When I first wrote this blog, I was in 7th grade. I had just begun to adjust my self from Elementary School life to Junior High, and it was a bigger leap than I thought.

The thing is about 6th grade, it's that I finally found my niche. Having moved here to Indonesia, from the Phillipines during 3rd Grade, it was like starting all over again. New school, new friends, new country, new life...

Back in the Philippines, I had what you called a sheltered life. I didn't get out of the house that often, my parents have always been protective of me. That perhaps affected my socializing abilities. I wasn't exactly shy, but I wasn't really inclined to put myself out there either. Since I went to a sort of 'International school' the foreigners were put together in the same classes, so my social cirlce only circulated between those 2 foreigner classes. I already had made a best friend, one that goes back to my very first day of school, and I grew attached to her, and our small group of friends. We weren't outcasts, but we weren't 'popular' either. We were just us, original and special in our own way, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

So the move to Indonesia was sudden, and slightly painful for me. People thought I was quiet simply because of a languange barrier. I had yet to be fluent in Bahasa Indonesia. By 6th Grade, that did change. I was comfortable now speaking Bahasa Indonesia, and it seemed that I had slipped into a leadership role in the class of 6B, even though I wasn't class president or something like that. I felt my efforts were appreciated, and that I was given the chance to be my best.

7th Grade shifted the game completely. Things just change. People become slightly more superficial, social status comes into play as we enter teen-hood. The people I once hung out with in 6th grade, started to become people who were out to take me down. I just didn't like it. The whole popular groups beginning to surface, I was prepared to be an individual. I didn't have a problem spending time on my own, I've always been like that. I was a self-proclaimed nerd, and looking at my blog posts a bit 'alay' with all the laughter, LOLs and slight craziness. Hahaha.

But I was hopeful, naive, innocent and still giving my best in the things I did, even things that many didn't believe in or thought was 'uncool'. My naivety seems to have faded over all the crap happened, but my child-like hopefullness is sometimes what keeps me going.

8th Grade, things started to become better. AYC has helped me find myself in such profound ways, it was the experience that made me a better person. I didn't feel restrained, I was given the chance to try my best, though it wasn't easy thing to do with my confidence level so low after 7th Grade.

Making friends was starting to become a challenge, with people starting to conform  to what's 'socially accepted' and pretend and divert from keeping it real. I had a slight betrayal pop up in the 7th Grade, but it taught me to forgive and forget, learn from the past and all that. This was just a crazy year for me. I found myself in my first relationship, making a new group of friends, and experiencing what was arguably one of the best classes I've been in, perhaps even better than my days in 6B. Of course, drama had to pop up too, once the 2nd semester started in 2011. The whole 'Whispers of the Crowd' twitter fiasco thing just... ugh. I'm still cringing when I remember it.

It's kinda tough rereading through my 2010 New Year's Resolutions, and seeing not many of them accomplished or improve by much. Meh.

My family problems are not things I display publicly, but let's just say, 2011 has been challenging in that prospect. The restraints seem to have gotten tighter, and though I love my parents to death, there starting to misunderstand me and my intentions even more. But I have had one of the most memorable family vacations, that made me realize that no matter what, I wouldn't stop loving my family.

Friends? Like I said, friendships have become hard to maintain. I don't like it when a friendship ends, but if it isn't really working out, or stays the same as before does anything really need to be forced? Of course, though some things have fallen out, it's nice to know who my real friends are. SHOUTOUT TO MY ONE AND ONLY SMOOCHIE: CINDY WIJAYA! :D You're awesome, girl, and have always been there for me, even if it's been like forever since we hungout. You're the one who knows all my secrets, the one person I can vent to without being judged. Love you for life :*

School: Well, entering the ninth grade, I didn't expect things to be easy, but I didn't expect them to be so hard either. I was being super optimistic, like this post points out. I was looking forward to a busy year, helping the new generation of AYC, and keeping the action plan going. I had very well 'taken the pledge'.

Turns out, 9B is an eclectic mix, just a little bit of everything and of course things are kept interesting with the friction that's bound to spark from such big, conflicting personalities. Sir Darma has been an awesome teacher. I know not many students like him, due to his tendency to be a perfectionist, but I can see past that and admire him as teacher who's just trying to do his job. He constantly reminds me that he's looking for a 'leader' in the class, but I don't know why that person has to be me. I'm not in the mood for it, especially in those dark days at the beginning of 9th Grade (partly to due to the breakup). I guess this year, I just wanted to shove everyone's expectations down the drain, stop being so hard on myself, stop trying to impress other so much and do thing's for me. I've paid attention to other people's needs for so long, maybe I just wanted to be a bit selfish this year. Though I guess that didn't last long. Haha. Like I've said, I'm too nice for my own good.

The highlights though were of course, LUMOS MAXIMA and then Teacher's Day.

Oh, and we can't forget the Love Story now, can we? 2011 was the first year I entered being in a (at the time) very hopeful and established relationship. Of course, drama followed in the last days of 8th Grade and over summer break, I had well... broken up. First heartaches, first break-ups are inevitably messy, and though I handled things well, I just kinda wished I handled things better. Like I said before, I'm an individual. I'm not a stranger to time spent alone. But suddenly losing (in a really jerk-ish way, I might add) a boyfriend -- a friend -- and all the feelings of consistency, and having someone to rely on, that of course wasn't easy.

And then entering 9th Grade, with work that I welcomed as a distraction, I was just feeling a little lost. There was the whole retreat thing, and me almost catching a 'rebound' guy but realizing that was simply horrible, and wrong. Last night, I also realized these deep feelings, for a friend that was a strong and close friend at first, but is now coming close to an ex-friend. I've written a letter to 'him' which was a good way to vent, but I'm still not sure where we stand.

Culturally and knowledge-wise, I've learned alot in 2011. I've been caught in some awesome range of TV shows from the dramatic-thiller Pretty Little Liars to the kiss-ass Sherlock on BBC. I've gone beyond just watching things to analyzing them, getting more and more curious about the behind-the-scenes process not just in TV shows but in block-buster movies as well. I'm an official movie-junkie now, just beginning to scratch the surface of cinematography.

My taste in music has also quickly expanded. I've been downloading tracks like crazy, clogging my hard-drive so fast it's basically killing the processing speed of my laptop. Noel Gallagher, The Wanted and Coldplay are a few of my most-played. I've also taken an interest into classical music, tried a bit of Tchaikovsky pieces, being drawn to the ballet-performance aspect of their uses combining the ear-pleasing compositions with visual impact. I'm thinking of trying some Chopin next, since it reminds of that PS3/Xbox360 game 'Eternal Sonata' which revolves around a fantasy world loosely based on 'Frederic Chopin'. I'm strongly attracted to playing the violin now, though it's a bit of a long shot to start taking up lessons.

Reading has sort taken a backseat to all my busy-bee days, but I'm starting to make sure that will change. I've been spending most of my holidays reading novels, the most recently finished was 'The Power of Six' the sequel to 'I Am Number Four' and next on my list is the "Peter Pan and the Starcatchers" series :) I'm also planning to spend more time reading and analyzing classics, starting of course, with the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I love how the Sherlock Holmes series is so quotable.

Besides the fictional fluff, I've been hitting a few informational books as well. Forensics science has always been an interest of mine (blame all those CSI shows, detective games and most recently Sherlock) and I'm simply sifting through articles, building up on the terminology which is of course advancely complicated. I've also started studying up on horticulture and classification of plant-life (my homeroom teacher does major in Biology).

And then there's writing, this old passion of mine. I have been keeping the pen sharp, joining my school's Skill Development Class for English Creative writing and picking up on a few of my short stories. I've also been studying the art of script-writing for well, let's just say slightly confidential purposes. For now ;)

2011, has been a tough, yet fun year. Lots of mall escapades, and 'productive hangouts' (as a friend put it) to remember on with a laugh. A lot of time spent driving away cases of boredom, having a lot of emotional feelings, and quiet nights on holidays. All of which is fine, since I'm discovering more about myself everyday.

Many people think of 2011 as one of the worst years. Maybe it's because 2012, 'the end of the world' is coming, and expectations are being set too high. The optimist inside me wants to disagree and say '2011 has been a wonderful year!' but the realist inside me solemnly agrees. Yes, 2011 has definitely been a crappy year, all in all.

There were many days spent with me keeping my head down, not feeling myself. But that gave way to feeling of optimism and days where I started looking up.

But when you've hit rock bottom, where is there to go but up?

In a nutshell, that's been my 2011. I've gone through a lot, emerging through the end of the year a much more stronger person than before.

It's okay to look back, have flashbacks and remember all the memories you've had. But don't you ever, ever let that stop you. As the inspirational Chris Colfer said, "Despite such a current challenging time, there is so much to look forward to."

"I promise, it gets so much better."

--Karin Novelia, Looking Forward To A Better Year :)

Spreading the Christmas Cheer

It's the 25th of December, or a day most people tend to celebrate as Christmas Day. I've had a wonderful Christmas holiday so far, though I must admit, the atmosphere is a bit... lacking.

I sent a few greetings to some friends across the water, specifically, from the Philippines. That made me think on the Christmases I spent back there. Decorating my classroom and the school with my mates. C.S.A. always was festive this time of year. Which made me start to see a huge difference between then and now. Perhaps it's the fact that Filipinos are mostly Roman Catholic so Christmas is a big deal for them. On the other hand, Indonesians are mostly Islamic.

Yes, this year, in my house there is no Christmas tree put up. No lights are hung, no tinsel and holly decking the halls. There is a paper mache snowman sitting in my room, but it's "melting" and falling apart. No carolers are trotting down the streets, and blasting Christmas CDs in my room can't go on all day.

But the thing, all those material things, though support and uplift the atmosphere, isn't what Christmas is all about. Christmas is a state of mind. It's one time of the year, where the world unites in a mood of feeling jubilant, cheerful and spend the day with family in friends, excecuting a ritual that fosters friendship, love and togetherness.

To have a holiday that conspires the universe to feel thankful and giving, isn't it just wonderful?

This year, I spent my Christmas at home. Nothing fancy. I woke up to find my Dad's home-cooking waiting on the table, the delectable scent simply mouth-watering. My Dad enjoys cooking, but it's a rare occasion, and to see him not working in Christmas day is also a blessing for me, this year. We dressed up, went out and tried some Italian cuisine at a local mall. We went shopping, Christmas shopping, together as a family. Nothing fancy. But memorable, none the less.

Christmas is also a reminder that there's only a week left in the year. And looking back, it's been one hell of a ride. But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. I should save the nostalgia for New Year's Eve.

So, in the words of my favorite Christmas jingle, "FELIZ NAVIDAD, PROSPERO ANO Y FELICIDAD!". Merry Christmas, have a prosperous and happy year ahead! From the bottom of my heart, have a happy holidays! :D

Constant State of Boredom

Christmas holidays have come. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, since I knew I wouldn't be going out much. And as I'm writing this, I'm sitting at home. There's nothing good on TV, nothing to snack on, nothing new to watch, and absolutely nothing to do.

In the words of the great Sherlock Holmes: "Dull."

I've even spend the last two days, over the course of an all-nighter that lasted until 2 am, to work on a Mathematics book that a group of friends of mine are compiling for some volunteer work. After the whole AYC thing, of course, I'm determined to keep our action-plan going. We're planning on helping their education, mainly in Maths, by writing our own book designed to help them get through their National Exams.

But the point is, I just started off my holiday not relaxing but doing work. It's not really suprising to me. That when I have nothing to do, I get this intense urge to do something productive. And those urges completely override any wants of watching TV, reading, eating or even sleeping. The last two just slow me down.

When I get bored, which is often, my mind goes to some pretty deep places. I think about things that, I guess, no one my age barely considers. I have always felt like there's something more than this mundane ordinance. All I really want is to feel something, do something extraordinary with my life.

I often say that I feel caged. Undoubtedly, it's true. Do people really think they have the right to belittle me? Just because of what, I'm a kid? Whenever I see people with talent, charisma, beauty and resources, the things that many people don't get a privilege to have, throw all their opportunities away, it pisses me off. I envy them, and berate them for being so stupid, so lethargically unmotivated.

I can't help but feel the need to scream just to be heard. To let the 'adults' see that I'm just not a normal teenage girl. To let them see that I have the motivation, the right intentions, the will to push myself and become someone that maybe comes close to perfection. Someone who will do anything to help the world, help make things better. A moot point, though. Words prove little compared to actions, so I'm left with these lingering silent screams in my head. All the while, I'm just searching for a way to prove that I am something great. Proving it more to myself, than the world, as I'm beginning to realize.

While I was working on that Math book, I kept reading back the first pages I wrote, summarazing the standard National curriculum. I kept on thinking that it was sloppy, rushed and just... bad. Perhaps, due to the fact that I set a pretty high bar for myself. But when I showed a friend, he said he was very surprised. He wasn't expecting me to have done so much in so little time. He also commented that I'm "damn good". Maybe I'm a better person than I give myself credit for.

I have a tendancy of brushing off comments like that. Like when someone congratulates me or give me kudos on getting top scores in my class, or for making a paper mache sculpture of a snowman, I politely say "Thank you" but then think "It's no big deal". Which really, it isn't. It's like no matter how well I do here, in my current environment, there's always something bigger waiting out there. Something more stimulating, more challenging.

I read on a Tumblr post once a quote that roughly goes like this: "Intelligent people are often depressed about the world, because they're they few people who understand how it really works."

Depressed. Now, that's a world that seems to have been popping into my head awhile. Not just recently. Ever since I moved here, there's always been this feeling of not belonging and being on my own. Not to say that I'm intelligent, really I'm not. I mean my Finals this term seem to have taken a nose dive. I may not comprehend algebra, or the property of cylindrical quadilaterals, but I do have a thirst for knowledge. A thirst to find somekind of meaning in life, which is starting to seem more obscure by the second.

I want to know how the world works. I want to go out there and explore. I spend so many days in the classroom, resting my chin on my hands, rifling through textbooks which I've read in advance, thinking that I'm learning things without being shown how to put them to good use. I daydream, thinking that I can do so much better. Though I enjoy learning, this pace is just too slow. I keep imagining myself in a life, where I'm being the best I can be. And I want that, so bad.

But for now, I'm bored.

--Karin Novelia, Feeling Dull.

Venting

I usually have random feelings, strange epiphanies and lots of opinions on different things. All these things on my mind also lead to intense urges to vent the best way I know how: by writing.

And posting such things on Twitter, seems sort of... trivial. The 140 character limit is also somewhat restraining. Blogger is pain to log in to. I have to get on my laptop. Tumblr, however, is easily accesible in my phone. (visit mine sometime: writewordstosay.tumblr.com)

So here are a few rants, reposted.

"One day, a girl fell for a boy she never expected she would go for. The boy never knew what it felt like to be desired, and all the girl did was boost his ego. So he looked at other girls, instead of her, and threw himself around. While he was chasing them, he never realized that he lost the one girl that could love him the most." -- A little bit on unrequited love.

"All I want is to live in a world where I don't feel caged, music plays 24/7, I'm surrounded by good food and good art, where my imagination can be set free and be allowed to make mistakes." -- Me, feeling restrained. And my dreams of a perfect life.

"I really miss those days as a kid where I would spend most of my time reading. It didn't matter where I was or what I was reading or how people would give me funny looks at the thickness of the novels I read. Reading, was how I escaped the world. It was my comfort blanket in facing reality. It was an addiction. It kept me from studying and doing homework. My irrational side didn't care. But I guess my rationality has matured. Now, no matter how bad I want to pick up a book, school and homework has become a top priority. Oh, how I miss being a kid." -- My thoughts after seeing my huge stack of unread novels.

Guess that's it for now. Writing urges are intensely itching, but hey studies call.

--Karin Novelia, Just Having a Lot of Feelings

A Little Appreciation to Get By

Hey!

It's been awhile since my last post. I actually have had a lot of urges to write, but school and all, no time, you know how it gets. I'm actually having finals tomorrow (Biology and Physics first for a change, whee...). I got bored and sick of studying so, here I am. Actually, I'm multi-tasking. I'm writing this while watching Sherlock (A FANTASTIC SHOW by the way. You reader, must watch) on my laptop and glancing at the latest season of Dancing with the Stars, while quizzing my friends tomorrow through chat.

Well, anyway I wanna talk about a very special day. It was the 25th of November otherwise known here as Teachers' Day. This 9th Grade year has been very interesting so far. A bit more complicated than I would've liked, but hey, I'm far from bored.

One pretty interesting aspect was of course the teachers. Having a few classes that were taught by teachers that were different to other classes sort made things a difficultly new experience, but I'm glad to learn how to adapt. My homeroom teacher, Sir Darma wasn't exactly someone who I haven't met. He taught biology for me back in 7th Grade, and my class 7F was the only one he taught. He's a bit... motivated and high-spirited, but his exuberance was something I hadn't seen in a while, so I welcomed his unique style of teaching. But his perfectionist attitude also made me glad that I wouldn't have to see him more than twice a week.

And when 9th Grade came around I was sort of beggin, Please, don't let Sir Darma be my homeroom teacher.

... Yeah, I barely get what I want. Haha.

So yeah, 9B, headed by Sir Darma. His ideas were always welcomed, at least by me, but the execution was a bit far out of reach. This led to the class slightly disliking his way of pushing us, demanding the best, demanding action even when we didn't completely agree with his plans or ideas. Even though I knew where my classmates were coming from, I sometimes just didn't like the way they commented Sir Darma.

It's nice to know, at least, that you have a teacher that cares.

Maybe my attachment to Sir Darma is a bit personal. I must admit, he did help me earlier this year. When I was lost, he was someone who offered a listening ear. And even though his advice wasn't completely helpful, I still appreciate his intentions.

And Teachers' Day really is all about that: appreciation.

My class starting to come together, pitching in ideas and making plans that even though were a bit last-minute was something that we wanted to accomplish together. We made what I liked to call: "The Wall of Superheroes" on our class softboard. We found images of renowned heroes like Superman, Mr Incredible, Catwoman, Batman, etc., and replaced their heads with the faces of our 9th Grade teachers. A bit comical, I suppose, but the whole 'teachers are Superheroes' analogy is something I find touching. We made a background of a city, and huge clouds in the sky with really inspirational quotes on teaching.

"A good teacher is like a candle. It consumes itself to light the way for others." -- Mustafa Kemal

Or

"A teacher affects eternity. He can never tell when his influence stops." -- Henry Brooks Adams

Sir Darma was in a bit of a mood lately. It seemed like he was fed up with our class. And it put us in a stalemate. We knew he was pissed -- he'd stop lecturing us in the morning like he usual does -- and was just so quiet, but we didn't know how to meet his expectations either.

So today, things would be different. They would be changed for the better :)

It was just after lunch break. We would have a period of Biology class, of course taught by our Sir Darma. So before he came out of the class opposite ours, 9D, we all held a red rose, some held candles and we form a walkway between 9D and 9B. As Sir Darma stepped out of 9D and saw us all lined up, I smiled when I saw his look of surprise.

When he came up to take the rose from each of us, we all recited a line from a personal letter I wrote specifically for that day. We told him how we realized his frustation of late, and how in reality, we do appreciate what he's done, all the time and resources he's given to our class. And how we want to start over, start anew and move forward together, better than before. The fact he said he was close to tears made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

 "Teaching us maybe like a rollercoaster -- lots of ups and downs. But we'll make sure it's a ride you'll enjoy! :)" -- 9B to Sir Darma

 A day of roses, candles, letters and songs, it's been one of the most personal touching Teachers' Day I've been through.

And since I aspire, to be an educator one day, seeing that little treats like this might be in store for me... all the pain and trouble of teaching, is starting to seem worth while.

Thanks for reading!

--Karin Novelia, Appreciative Student :)