Off The Grid: Day 9

What is guilt but the emotional manisfestations of our regrets? My impending move sure has let a few of those resurface. I can't help but look back at all that has happened. All the people I've met and spent time with. All the problems I had to deal with.

There are things that everyone wish they could change. Words they wish they could take back, things they wish they could undo.

Those feelings of guilt can't change all that. At a certain point, it's neccessary to feel guilty. It makes you aware of your mistakes and keeps you from repeating them. 

But guilt can also be a paralytic. We blame ourselves too much that we wallow in our shame and self-pity. We feel so ashamed that we don't have the nerve to even talk about. We keep it to ourselves, piling within our hearts until it's blocked out all things positive.

Mr Chan, who teaches at SJI (Saint Joseph's Institution, the male half of the scholarship deal) gave the boys some early homework and I gladly checked it out myself. He directed us towards the BBC podcasts (the link here) called "60 second idea to improvee the world" specifically, the entitled "Guilty Blue Ribbon Moment".

A Jordanian writer named Fadia Faqir presents this idea: What if every morning, when you're feeling guilty, you'd tie a blue ribbon around your wrist/neck and leave the house wearing it? I find it compelling that this idea comes from a writer who lives in a restricted country, where some issues are even considered taboo to bring up.

This presents a new way of expressing guilt. You let it known without really saying it aloud yourself. People would obviously be aware of the blue ribbon. Whether they acknowledged or ignored it would be their decision.

But that's the thing about guilt. We prefer it to be ignored, left in the darkest corners of our mind. The one thing that's harder than letting yourself make a mistake, is admitting doing so.

But is ignoring the guilt really going to help? As hard as it is to talk about things that make us feel ashamed, this paradigm that we need to talk about things, might help normalise and eradicate those feelings. We'll see that everyone has does feelings, that everyone feels ashamed about something. And in the end, that might make us feel that we have nothing to be ashamed about at all.

Mr Chan posed some interesting questions for us to think about, making us think about things we feel guilty about. Moving to another country itself poses some interesting regrets. When I look back on my years here in Indonesia, I feel the need to compare them to my years in the Philippines. When I moved from there to Indonesia, I felt like I had to let go of the golden years. When I think about leaving Indonesia now I kinda feel... relieved.

Like I'm just getting out of a 5-year prison sentence.

Okay, I know that sounds a bit... extreme. But my time here wasn't really the best. In a way, I guess I should feel grateful. Adversity only makes you stronger right?

But the time constraints, create a different problem. I'd really like to leave with a clean slate. Get the red out of my ledger, as a special-skill-set agent once said. I'm leaving in 2 weeks. And that really doesn't feel like a lot of time. There are things to prepare, goodbyes that will ultimately be said. And perhaps, closure that needs to be felt, but I might not have the time to find.

Hmm...

There's also this other type of guilt. Guilt that we inflict upon ourselves when really, it's not even our fault. Fadia shared an experience of having a family member assaulted due to racial discrimination. She wasn't involved in the assault, the way she talks about makes me think she wasn't even there to witness it. But to a certain level, she felt guilty. She felt like she could've, should've done something about it.

There's one truth I know that terrifies me. There are just some things that are beyond your control. And even when the bad things that happen are the results of other people's doing, you still blame yourself. Because you know you're the only thing that you can fully control, and you know better than to blame everything else. This all strangely relates to a story between a boy, a girl and the blatant abuse of the Twitter site.

On another, more solemn note, I heard news today about a friend of a fellow scholar passing away due to cancer. I pray that her soul now finds peace and offer my condolences to those left behind.

Even when you barely know the person, a death will always make you reevaluate your life. This person's situation reminds of this movie called Third Star.

It stars Benedict Cumberbatch (who is known for his portrayal of Sherlock Holmes) as James, a cancer-ridden man with only a few months to live. In light of that recent realization, he decides to set off on a trip with his mates to his most favorite place in the world, Barafundle Bay.

The movie is poignant, moving and also revolves around the topic of 'guilt'. A guilt of a life not lived to the fullest. A guilt of not having enough time to say goodbye.

Things became all the more heart-breaking when (spoiler alert) James walked into the bay waters with no intention of coming back. And it wasn't because he lost hope. The past few days showed him that life is truly something beautiful. He didn't want the cancer to take his life, take away his freedom of choice. He wanted to beat the cancer. And he was ready to say goodbye.

Sadness is an inevitable thing. Everyone experiences it at some point in there lives. Sometimes I go looking for it, sadistic as that may seem. I see it as a thing that needs to be found, to be felt and understood. Only then can we value true happiness, when we dare to dive into that sadness.

But like James in those waters of Barafundle Bay, it is a choice of our own making whether or not we let ourselves drown.

Just some food for thought. Thanks for reading.

--Karin Novelia

A Hunger for Entertainment

Dystopia. It is a word that I have learnt its meaning only recently in my researches regarding literary works. I often turn on my laptop and surf the net finding titles of books that pique my interest and the Hunger Games was definitely one of them.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins falls into the dystopian category for its setting in a rather bleak and fallen civilization. I watched it on the big screen yesterday evening, and note that while I will attempt to review the movie, in the loosest sense of the term since most of my attempts at objectivity to turn out to have a slight hint of emotional attachment, I have yet to read the Hunger Games trilogy and so cannot give a comparison between the written works and movies.

The story begins rather ominously with a simple, blankly black screen with fading words that foretell the history behind the fantasized nation's current state and the creation of the spectacle that is the hunger Games. Suddenly we are thrust into a district that is nestled away in some niche among the forests, reminiscent of times of war and hardship where people work hard to meet there needs, being thrown into a state of depravity that it's obvious everyone is struggling to keep themselves clean or fed.

The cinematography in this movie is spectacular. Though some might find some scenes to be too drawn out, that's the way things are more likely to play out in real life. In silence, as the character is in deep thought. It's not like real life has its own background music now does it? The hallucination scene was a real treat. The stop and start choppiness of the transitions, the breaks in sound (which I initially thought was a malfunction in the theater's sound system) gives a very good interpretation of what dwindling mental state is like. The scene where the coal-mine blew up, presumably with Katniss' father in it and the drowned out screams of Katniss at her catatonic mother had a powerful effect that made my eyes water. It was moving, and gave insight the reason why Katniss is as hardened and stoic as she is. The riveting soundtrack and use of effects also added depth to the experience.

Speaking of the protagonist, Katniss Everdeen, what I like about the characters is that they're well thought out, complex but not dynamically so, consistent in their demeanor and way of doing things. She's lean, strikingly beautiful (though oblivious to that fact) and in hard times knows how to handle things, such as hunt with a bow. She remains pretty cold and guarded for the first half of the movie, embracing her 'I don't make friends easily' self and coming off as slightly bad-ass.

Then there's Peeta Mellark, the second half of District 12's star-crossed lovers, was a bit of a cliche though to be honest, the distant lover who has crushed on the main character for so long, it seems to have turned into an undying and unconditional love. He is rather the underdog, being the weaker of the pair, but he does have hidden skills like massive upper body strength and camoflage.

I'd prefer to see more of Gale though, his almost brotherly relationship with Katniss is something I'd like to see. The love triangle between them and Peeta will surely spark some drama in the coming sequels. Building up to the premiere, I've seen that many of the original books fans weren't that happy with casting. Again, I have not read the books so I cannot compare the movie versions to the ones described in the books, but I think Jennifer Lawrence looks stunning. The dark hair suits her, and her features to give a sort of deadly beauty look. Though I'm not sure about Josh Hutcherson. He did some decent acting, but I just don't like his hair blond. I swear, in some scenes I kept on wondering where HIS EYEBROWS went.

On that note of outward appearances, the opening parade that introduced the Tributes to the Capitol, was a spectacular show. The make-up and costume department certainly had a lot to work with, if they build off what Suzanne Collins had written in her books. The exaggeration of pop culture in the Capitol residents' hair and make-up gave the whole world a comical and other-worldly feel. The costumes during the parade were just as exagerrated, but admitedly so to give District 12 a chance to shine. It is a good stroke of luck though that Peeta and Katniss managed to end up with nice team of the well-tasted Cinna and the experienced though eccentric and drunk Haymitch as mentor. The use of fire, earning her the title of "The Girl on Fire", as their main selling-point was really inspired.

Fire is hot and eerily beautiful in a way. It can be made, but then go beyond your control. You can use it to your advantages, or it can be used to hurt you. It symbolizes blazing spirits, fiery tempers and power. It's a force of nature and has the BBC's Sherlock once said, "exposes our priorities".

Plot-wise, the climax of a fight to death lets us question that side of our humanity: what lengths will we go to for some 'entertainment'? Like the citizens of Panem's Capitol, do we hunger for entertainment like they do?

It's true that while in real-life we do not pit ourselves against the other to kill each other off, we still do some pretty inhumane things because we find them funny. Take bullying for example. We ridicule someone, bring them down, in more extreme cases, use physical violence, make a spectacle out of a another person's weakness and laugh at such a thing. Then of course there's the obvious pro-wrestling, which thankfully I haven't seen much on air these past few years. And we do all these things for what? Entertainment? A quick buck?

If our current paradigms do not shift, who's not to say that our civilization won't end up as barbaric as the one in the Hunger Games?

Just some food for thought. Another thing plot-wise, I couldn't help but find Katniss and Peeta's love to be very cheesy and well, fake. Again, haven't read the books for reference, but I theorize that it was all just a ploy to get out of the Games alive. Haymitch did say that he could sell the whole 'star-crossed' lover bit, and maybe they used it in their favor. Though in a way, that is a double-edged sword, seeing how Katniss is sort of obligated to keep her charade, assuming Peeta is oblivious to her acting and his feelings are actually real. Then there's the whole Gale thing.

Overall I'd give the movie a good 4 stars out of 5, my only complaint is that the main theme and plot is a bit cliched, but it does appeal to a broader, younger demographic.

Well, I guess that my first review. Though I doubt I've written anything assembling to one, since I am, gently-put, opinionated and tend to drone on and on than anyone would care to read. Maybe I should think of a proper template to review upon, the clear aspects I want to talk about such as Cinematography, Set and Costume Design, Soundtrack, Characters, Plot, etc. (Well, lookie, I guess I just did).

That's all for now. Hope you have a good life and are at least a little bit entertained by my writings here on this blog. Thanks for taking the time to read. 'Till the next post then.

And may the odds be ever in your favor. ;)

--Karin Novelia, Happy-Go-Lucky Cinema-Goer