Better Versions

Hey, hello, um, hi!

 

... Damn. I really am rusty with this thing.

 

It's been a good month or so since my last post, and that wasn't exactly a happy one either.

 

If I am being honest here, or at least as honest as I usually try to be on this blog, I fell into a bit of funk by the time I got back from the June holidays.

 

I was, for lack of a better term, depressed.

 

Now, I've had inklings of this feeling creep on me before and they were never this bad. They were fleeting, at best, only temporary.

 

But this time... this time was different.

 

It was the kind of depression that was stifling, crippling. It really inhibited my ability to fully function and emote. It was scary. Really scary. And in the midst of my lacking emotions, I found that in my struggles to actually feel something I was lashing out, holding on to the pettiest feeling of irritation and anger, simply because they were there, they were accessible, they were the easiest thing to hold on to.

 

Long story short, I was a bitch for quite a while. There was damage done, some of which is still apparent, but hopefully can be patched over. Sometimes, it seems like it's irreparable. I guess that's my own fault.

 

Good news, though, I'm getting better. One main reason I think lead to the depression getting so bad was my initial refusal to acknowledge it. Although I said it was crippling and limited my ability to function, I could still push on. Keep Calm and Carry On as the Brits say. It made me incredibly guilty to even think about calling what I felt 'depression' because I know that other people have it a lot worse, other people can barely get out bed, other people have better reasons to be depressed. What was I doing? All I was being was ungrateful.

 

This change however, when I came across an article on the Internet. It was entitled Walking Depression and it described exactly what I was feeling, and perhaps what I knew all along but found no justification to properly acknowledge.

 

Walking depression is the type of depression that most people might face at some point in there live. It's the kind of dissatisfaction that makes it just a little bit harder to get out of bed. But you get up anyway. It's the kind of sadness that makes your days a little less brighter. But you go on and study and work and be productive anyway. Being functional is all fine and dandy but what's the point if you feel so unhappy?

 

Disillusioned. That was a word I attributed a lot to this, um, phase. It was like I was pushed, head first, into an empty swimming pool called reality, one that called that I be practical and let myself die a bit inside to 'succeed'. I wasn't really functioning. I wasn't really living. I was... trudging. That was another word that seemed so apt. I was being a soldier, keeping my head down, shoulders hunched, carrying on with no complaints.

 

Thank God that's over with.

 

You might be asking, what changed then? Well, acknowledging that I was unhappy was a nice first step. It gave me this sense of clarity and determination to find some way to fix it. So I set aside my pride, put down my armor. I apologized to people who needed to know how sorry I was. I tried looking out for more silver linings. I stopped being so hard on myself and occasionally let myself feel. I realized that I've been blowing a lot of responsibilities off -- and though it was too late to fix that, it was never to late for redemption. I reminded myself of the things that I love and why I do things that people may not approve of just because they think that having different priorities somehow makes me less of a person than them. The end goal wasn't necessarily to feel happy -- just okay enough to see the point in everything again.

 

I've been a bit interested in matters of the mind, and if you take the more scientific approach, how the brain works. Psychology and psychiatry are apparently two entirely separate fields. A recent article my tuition teacher gave me was even on anxiety. I've just finished a book entitled Hector and the Search for Happiness which talked about well, happiness, the way we perceive and process it in our brains.

 

I tend to say that I'm just a messed-up, giant ball of neuroses and perhaps that's true. Though from what I read, I don't fit neatly into one category. I have the faults of both ends of the spectrum apparently. I even came across a Tumblr post which nicely describes it.

 

So yeah. I think I just really needed to get this off my chest.

 

But, please tune in very soon as I'll definitely be posting some more positive posts :)

 

Look out for my OBS post and my latest initiative, something like a Learning Journal (sounds lame, but give me some time to think of something catchy). I'm trying my hardest not to lose interest in studies, but studying never really appealed to me. Learning, however, does. And I find that most of the time, I'm digesting things but not really processing them and spitting out some thoughts. Hopefully this Learning Journal will help me not only to express myself but to keep my interest burning strong. It of course won't be limited to what I learn in school. It could be about anything really, from what I thought about a TV show, a movie to classical music, the arts like Vincent van Gogh. The works. Mind you, this Journal will basically be a puke space of creativity, so don't expect any coherence of thought that I don't really have time to do anyway.

 

I really think I'm in a good place now. OBS, which was this outdoor camping course, was uplifting (but more about that later) and strengthened my resolve to be someone people can look up to. I once said that every time I looked into the mirror, I didn't really like who I saw -- this Paper Girl who was flimsy, thin and fake.

 

That Girl's gone. Maybe not completely, but I'm getting there.

 

And now, when I look in the mirror, I see a sincere smile, a slight glint in my eyes. I see a better version of me.

 

Let's hope there's only more good things to come.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

--Karin Novelia, Feeling So Better After a Long Time

General Questions to The Universe

When it comes to matters of religion, I must admit I'm on the fence on what I believe.

If we look at the way I was brought up, I'm a Roman Catholic. That's what it says on paper at least. My father is a Roman Catholic, he was the one that always insisted on going to church. Not that I didn't like church, I just found it really difficult to wake up in the morning when I was a kid, heck, I have trouble getting out of bed now. I'd prefer going to church in the afternoon, if possible.

I'm not really sure why my Dad's a Roman Catholic. Whenever I visit my grandparents they burn incense and stuff like that, more into Chinese tradition of sorts. Maybe he converted when he was older, I don't know. I'm curious about these things but how to go about asking about them politely eludes me.

My Mom, and most of her family are devoted Christians. She's definitely the most religious of the family, always giving long lectures, quoting the bible like she'd read it cover to cover and comitted every word to memory. You'd figure that a marriage between a Roman Catholic man and Christian woman wouldn't bring out that much conflict, but the two religions are significantly more different than most people would care to perceive.

Let's just say I don't go to church as much as I'd like to anymore.

Do I believe in God? Honestly, I'm not sure. When I was a kid, I was told that God was a man who created the universe, had a human kid named Jesus who mother was the Virgin Mary, and who looked just like us but could do amazing things. That inspired me the most, I think. Someone who looks ordinary but claims he is extraordinary and proves so by doing amazing things.

Mom likes to call him a lot of different names, like Saviour, the Merciful. But she likes to call him Dad, Father. I used to think that he was some guy in a white robe with a lot facial hair (An older version of how Jesus is usually portrayed), and had a palace in the clouds and sat on a throne above a mirror that overlooked absolutely everything and had this huge halo made of light, which I sometimes pictured as this glowing crown.

Childish, imaginative perceptions aside, now that I've grown, I've seen a lot of matters differently, including religion. I do partake in Mass very seriously, unlike many other peers who play with their phones or chatter excessively. I see the good values that religion does have to offer -- be kind to your fellow man, respect your parents and all that jazz. I exercise all those moral values as much as I can, in fact, its thanks to those sound moral foundations that I live a life less burdened with guilt or regret (even though being a goody two-shoes might find you all alone).

But I find it hard to believe in God when I feel he does little to contribute in my life.

Would falling down onto my knees and praying really help me achieve success? It would perhaps do a great deal of calming my soul, blind faith is sometimes what is needed to face the darkness of times ahead. But 'all talk and no action' isn't exactly a good way to go about things now, is it?

What good is faith if it does little to provoke us into action? I've always relied on my choice of action, my drive to do something about my situation. Praying and hoping things will change isn't enough. You have to do something about it. That belief has made my heavily reliant on my own capabilities, my own power that perhaps it has made turn away from 'a higher power' that doesn't intervene as quickly or as often as I would like. My life is the result of my own choices and actions, not the amount of time I spend praying.

The concept of religion and the moral values it teaches is sound. However, the mortal people who preach and practice it have started to corrupt it. I'm not an expert on these things but I have heard about the controversy of the Catholic hierarchy, something to do with sex scandals and things I tend not to indulge myself with anyway. It's become a 21st Century dilemma really. People who go to church might not be as angelic as they seem. Though, in reality it's not that different from the Biblical times when Jesus called those religious men 'two-faced'.

What we believe has a lot to do with our actions, the way we express those beliefs and interpret them. Would you prefer to be a 'religious' man who goes to church often, prays often everyday, but does little to help others, or continues to do things that are frowned upon OR would you rather not go to church and not neccessarily believe in God but belief the moral goodness of humanity and strive to uphold that?

Another reason for my shaky faith might be the fact that I'm beginning to see more bad around me than good. Whenever you turn on the news there's always something horrible happening somewhere around the world. Suicide bombings continue to happen in Iraq or Sudan or some other Middle Eastern country. Somewhere, some mentally ill man has commited murder, arson, suicide. War continues to rage. People are poor, starving. Tsunamis, earthquakes, tornadoes. Children are crying, dying. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Would praying bring those people, who lived an unfair life and died far too soon, back? Would praying make their situations any better? Would God really let all these bad things happen? Why? For what reason?

So no, maybe I don't believe in God. But I do believe in humanity. There's hope for us yet. Maybe in the end, that's what really matters.

Though I do not care for labelling my religion or object of faith, such as 'God', I do believe there is some force that drives the world, our world, clandestinely, beyond my or your comprehension.

For now, I'd rather just submit few questions to the ominous-force-behind-the-universe:

1). What do you look like, oh divine power? Are you like the air, unseen but present? Or are you nothing and everything at once? Or are you what we choose to perceive? Do you let us see or believe in you the way we want to see you as?

2). What's it like having all that power? Are you like what everyone else says? A divine force completely made of... good? Is it true that all you let happen in this world serves some greater purpose, some greater good? Or are you not what we think at all? Are you something that feeds on this endless power, that abuses it just like we'd abuse it, given the chance?

3). How did you come to be? It's hard to comprehend that before you created everything there is now, there was absolutely nothing. What would nothing be like? Didn't we invent the term nothing? Would the universe be an empty void of blackness? If we invented the term nothing and see it as such, then it doesn't really exist at all, right? How can there be nothing in the beginning when we created nothing? As I child I use to imagine that time would stop still and just start going into reverse. Everything around me would start to disappear, one by one, until I would be the last thing to disappear. Imagining what nothing would be like made my head hurt. It still does now. Then how did you come to be? How did something as great as you come from... nothing?

4). Do have a consciousness? Like can you actively think, produce thoughts? Or do you just act out of instinct, like a robot or something? Like you just know what needs to be done and do it, without question? If you can think, do you have feelings then? Does it hurt you seeing all the darkness start to engulf the world? Does it make you cry to see someone die a horrible death or live in a world that is just so unfair? If you have feelings, do you care? If you care then do you care enough to do something about it? To intervene? If you do care then why don't you? Do something about all this, I mean. I don't expect you to fix everything in an instant, that would be too easy for us. Then why do things seem to become even worse?

5). If you do exist, what are your thoughts on religion? Do you approve of them? I approve of the concept and moral teachings but disapprove the corrupting actions. Would you agree with me? Religion is, I suppose, a human invention. If you were the one who first created religion, would things be better? Would we be more guided than lost? Why don't you stop being so enigmatic then? If there's a clear-cut way to a righteous life then why not just show the clear path, at least for those who are willing to take it?

6). Why do I feel so unhappy lately? Why am I suddenly seeing so many dark things? If everyone else can live so ignorantly happy, why can't I? Why do I care so much? Why do I care so much for all the people who are suffering out there, beyond my control, beyond my reach of sympathy or help? People I don't even know, have never even met? Are you testing me? Why me then? Is this your funny way of telling people they're special? Make them go through hell just so they can emerge the better person? Because that's what what you want them to be?

7). Can I be like Jesus? Can you think of me as one of your children? Can I claim myself to extraordinary and do things like he did? Would you help?

8). Why is that everytime I go looking for you, for your face, for your help that it suddenly seems like you're not even there? Is it some kind of punishment? For doubting you, not believing in you? I'm trying okay. I don't know what else to say. I'm trying.

9). When I pray, do you really listen? Or do you just ignore me and listen to someone else's more deserving pleas? Can I even communicate with you? Am I even worthy of your time? Or am I just talking to myself?

10). Speaking of time, I wonder if you 'age'. I wonder if in someway time has changed you, affected you. Does it? Or are you just the same  as you've always been? Just... there.

11). Does it hurt? To die? What does it feel like, to have the life you've given us just... drain out of us? Where does that 'life' go? Where do we go?

12). When we die, will you be there? Will we finally be able to see you, to understand you? Or would that only be those that go to heaven? Will you be the one to take us there? Who takes us to hell then? If there is one?

13). What's hell really like? Did you create that as well? Like a dump for all the bad people, I suppose. Have you met Lucifer, or the Devil, or the entity that is your dark, mirrored self? Do guys have tea together or something (haha) and negotiate things like who goes to whose domain? Does he (it?) even exist? Or are you just one in the same?

14). Does heaven exist? If it does, what's it like? Is it like I imagined as a child, an awesome palace up in the clouds? Or is it a matter of perception, what we choose for it be, our own private heaven? Would you let me talk to you, like have a proper chat with me, if I ever do happen to make it up there?

15). How many people are up in heaven? Do we live together or seperately? Could I talk to some people? Is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle up there? I'd love to talk to him. Freddie Mercury? Kurt Cobain? Whitney Houston? Amy Winehouse? Do have parties up there? I wouldn't mind joining in for a song or two.

16). Do angels exist? Like with the white-feather wings and everything? Did they used to be like us, mortal beings? Or do you just make them seem that way, that human, to us? If they are like us, can I be an angel too?

17). Last and most important question of all: Why are you so frustrating?

-- Calling Out To The Universe, Karin Novelia

And It All Comes Down To This

It's been 3 months now into the year 2012. Maybe it's a bit too early, but seriously, things have been pretty hectic around here. The 9th grade really kicked itself up a notch by throwing an array of tests, quizzes, Tryouts, Practical Exams and drama, and I must say I'm a bit overwhelmed.

Most overwhelming thing of all? Well, I'm not sure if I've written anything about here before, but I signed myself up for a scholarship application in Singapore. And guess what? I got it.

Now, before you throw congratulations around, I'm still not sure how I feel about this scholarship thing, about a month later since signing a damn contract.

First of all, the test was a bit... easy. Mathematics weren't always my forte, but the limited time also was a main factor in me not finishing the 2 hour test of 30 something questions. The English one was also surprisingly easy. The other applicants in my school took a special preparation course called Ignatius, and the kind of question they gave them were far more advanced then what was being tested.

I honestly did not expect me to get a chance at that scholarship. I mean, I was in the mindset that the standards would be very high. And passing, well... makes you wonder doesn't it?

After the written tests, I was asked to come to Hotel Atalia for an interview. I skip school the next day, but it turns out I have no ride. Rotten luck, you'd probably think, right? Wrong. I was thinking it was the world conspiring, strengthening the idea that this scholarship thing wasn't meant to be.

And then my Mom goes into super mode and orders us a cab. Interviews weren't that nerve-wracking, though the wait was boring and prolonged. Speaking in English was definitely an advantage, and a few hours later the results were posted and ta-daa! My name was on it.

Of course there was some sense of mirth. I practically tried bailing on interviews, I get the scholarship anyway. Twisted kind of punishment, I suppose. Then there was a tad sense of accomplishment. I did it. I actually got it. Then of course, the whole ease of it all nagged a the back of my mind, and I was starting to wonder if it was going to be worth it in the end.

So why did I end up signing my name? Not for personal reasons, obviously.

When I first considered applying, I asked my parents, of course. But as usual, they provided adequate freedom and close to no input. So I figured I'd apply. I didn't expect to get it, anyway. If I did, did that mean I have to take it? I later found out that I sort of had to. Something to do with courtesy and social niceties and avoid being blacklisted, which I still cannot manage to fully comprehend (inner sociopath talking, guys).

I also pondered on the slim chance that I did get accepted. A few factors did jump at me. First, the financial burden would be almost non-existent. On a full scholarship. That meant my parents wouldn't have to spent so much money on my education. Speaking form the heart, my family's not exactly poor, but their not like most kids whose parents make so much more.

I'm taking this scholarship more for them than me. I can still remember the look on my Mom's face when I told her. She looked so happy, so relieved. She also looked at me so... proud.

Sure, the prospect of living on my own, more independantly, appealed to me, as I continued to talk myself into this. But it also seemed a bit lonely. A proper school, with proper facilities and a better curriculum, would help bring out the best in me. Wasn't I always feeling so unchallenged here? But it also seems like a lot of pressure.

When ever I feel like bailing, giving up, not set myself up for a life of stress and expectations of perfection, and opt for settling for a live a little more ordinary. A little more safe.

Hell. What was I thinking? I'm through with being ordinary. I want to be extraordinary. I want to go far.

But as much as I want to be the best I can be, something keeps on asking me to stay. My family. I practically act as the glue for the disfunctionality. If I left, how long would they last before they unravel?

Would it be worth it to go abroad, study, become highly-educated and successful and perhaps rich and famous, but leaving my family behind albeit for just a few years? Or would it be better to stay and just look after them, settle for being an auto-dictact and learn about the world from the confines of home, as long as I stayed with family?

I'm getting a little emo here, I know. In hindsight, it might be better to vent here than to start talking to a skull.

Laterz.

-- Planning Out The Future, Karin Novelia

Constant State of Boredom

Christmas holidays have come. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, since I knew I wouldn't be going out much. And as I'm writing this, I'm sitting at home. There's nothing good on TV, nothing to snack on, nothing new to watch, and absolutely nothing to do.

In the words of the great Sherlock Holmes: "Dull."

I've even spend the last two days, over the course of an all-nighter that lasted until 2 am, to work on a Mathematics book that a group of friends of mine are compiling for some volunteer work. After the whole AYC thing, of course, I'm determined to keep our action-plan going. We're planning on helping their education, mainly in Maths, by writing our own book designed to help them get through their National Exams.

But the point is, I just started off my holiday not relaxing but doing work. It's not really suprising to me. That when I have nothing to do, I get this intense urge to do something productive. And those urges completely override any wants of watching TV, reading, eating or even sleeping. The last two just slow me down.

When I get bored, which is often, my mind goes to some pretty deep places. I think about things that, I guess, no one my age barely considers. I have always felt like there's something more than this mundane ordinance. All I really want is to feel something, do something extraordinary with my life.

I often say that I feel caged. Undoubtedly, it's true. Do people really think they have the right to belittle me? Just because of what, I'm a kid? Whenever I see people with talent, charisma, beauty and resources, the things that many people don't get a privilege to have, throw all their opportunities away, it pisses me off. I envy them, and berate them for being so stupid, so lethargically unmotivated.

I can't help but feel the need to scream just to be heard. To let the 'adults' see that I'm just not a normal teenage girl. To let them see that I have the motivation, the right intentions, the will to push myself and become someone that maybe comes close to perfection. Someone who will do anything to help the world, help make things better. A moot point, though. Words prove little compared to actions, so I'm left with these lingering silent screams in my head. All the while, I'm just searching for a way to prove that I am something great. Proving it more to myself, than the world, as I'm beginning to realize.

While I was working on that Math book, I kept reading back the first pages I wrote, summarazing the standard National curriculum. I kept on thinking that it was sloppy, rushed and just... bad. Perhaps, due to the fact that I set a pretty high bar for myself. But when I showed a friend, he said he was very surprised. He wasn't expecting me to have done so much in so little time. He also commented that I'm "damn good". Maybe I'm a better person than I give myself credit for.

I have a tendancy of brushing off comments like that. Like when someone congratulates me or give me kudos on getting top scores in my class, or for making a paper mache sculpture of a snowman, I politely say "Thank you" but then think "It's no big deal". Which really, it isn't. It's like no matter how well I do here, in my current environment, there's always something bigger waiting out there. Something more stimulating, more challenging.

I read on a Tumblr post once a quote that roughly goes like this: "Intelligent people are often depressed about the world, because they're they few people who understand how it really works."

Depressed. Now, that's a world that seems to have been popping into my head awhile. Not just recently. Ever since I moved here, there's always been this feeling of not belonging and being on my own. Not to say that I'm intelligent, really I'm not. I mean my Finals this term seem to have taken a nose dive. I may not comprehend algebra, or the property of cylindrical quadilaterals, but I do have a thirst for knowledge. A thirst to find somekind of meaning in life, which is starting to seem more obscure by the second.

I want to know how the world works. I want to go out there and explore. I spend so many days in the classroom, resting my chin on my hands, rifling through textbooks which I've read in advance, thinking that I'm learning things without being shown how to put them to good use. I daydream, thinking that I can do so much better. Though I enjoy learning, this pace is just too slow. I keep imagining myself in a life, where I'm being the best I can be. And I want that, so bad.

But for now, I'm bored.

--Karin Novelia, Feeling Dull.

Venting

I usually have random feelings, strange epiphanies and lots of opinions on different things. All these things on my mind also lead to intense urges to vent the best way I know how: by writing.

And posting such things on Twitter, seems sort of... trivial. The 140 character limit is also somewhat restraining. Blogger is pain to log in to. I have to get on my laptop. Tumblr, however, is easily accesible in my phone. (visit mine sometime: writewordstosay.tumblr.com)

So here are a few rants, reposted.

"One day, a girl fell for a boy she never expected she would go for. The boy never knew what it felt like to be desired, and all the girl did was boost his ego. So he looked at other girls, instead of her, and threw himself around. While he was chasing them, he never realized that he lost the one girl that could love him the most." -- A little bit on unrequited love.

"All I want is to live in a world where I don't feel caged, music plays 24/7, I'm surrounded by good food and good art, where my imagination can be set free and be allowed to make mistakes." -- Me, feeling restrained. And my dreams of a perfect life.

"I really miss those days as a kid where I would spend most of my time reading. It didn't matter where I was or what I was reading or how people would give me funny looks at the thickness of the novels I read. Reading, was how I escaped the world. It was my comfort blanket in facing reality. It was an addiction. It kept me from studying and doing homework. My irrational side didn't care. But I guess my rationality has matured. Now, no matter how bad I want to pick up a book, school and homework has become a top priority. Oh, how I miss being a kid." -- My thoughts after seeing my huge stack of unread novels.

Guess that's it for now. Writing urges are intensely itching, but hey studies call.

--Karin Novelia, Just Having a Lot of Feelings

The Whispers of the Crowd

(This post was originally posted on my Tumblr, www.writewordstosay.tumblr.com on Monday, May 2, 2011)

High school. I guess, we’ve all been there. If there’s one things I learned from the media and TV shows is that there are things called stereotypes.

In high school there are ‘classes’, whether you choose to be the one who’d label them or accept the difference, they’re there, the ‘geeks’, the ‘populars’, the ‘quiet ones’, the ‘smart kids’ and all that. I prefer to be the latter. I don’t like to label and judge people. I prefer to just sift around this pool of diversity called the student body and not jump to conclusion about a person.

But then again, life is ironic, and sarcastic and just plain mean. Isn’t it frequently said, “Treat others the way they want to treat you?”

Well, ask anyone I know, and they probably will tell you that I don’t like to trash talk other people. But just today, I saw a bunch of girls trash talking me.

Of course, no names were mentioned. They have the nerve to talk about someone like that, but behind the person’s back. Take that either way you want.

They called me a ‘bitch’, honestly, it’s first time anyone has ever called me that. Reading their tweets, I think I’ve figured out the reason behind this sudden slandering. And if my suspicions are true, then yeah, they’ve just called me a bitch based on their own misunderstandings, their own judgments.

This kind of prejudice is what forms the stereotypes, and all the high-school drama. The way I see it, I’ve only pissed off one person by what I did. But then ‘the posse’ teamed up and started talking about me too.

Seeing all of this brought me down for a second. They tried to bring me down, and judge me, and they said things about me when they know NOTHING about me, or what I’ve gone through, or why I’ve made the decisions I’ve made. What gives them the right, really?

Keep your opinions to yourself. I don’t need you guys hating on me, especially when I did nothing wrong, or least had no intention of making anyone of you made.

Maybe when I walk by you guys tomorrow, I’ll hear you whisper something about me. Well, I won’t listen to the whispers of the crowd. I’ve got my own voice, and it’s telling crystal clear right now, that I didn’t do anything wrong.

Losing My Spark

Doesn’t it just suck to see your life completely collapse right in front of you? To see every plan and effort you’ve made suddenly be scrapped and seem… worthless.

Sorry to open up my first post, after a long blogging hiatus, with such a gloomy opening. I’ve just recently entered the “Christmas holidays” after a grueling school semester. The 8th grade wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.

But the one thing that’s been really getting to me: Sometimes it feels like I’m not even trying. Like nowadays, I’m more prone to give up.

What the hell.

This isn’t me. This isn’t who I am. I am not a quitter. Haven’t I always tried giving my best in everything I do, no matter what the outcome? To get back up when I fall?

The thing is, getting back up isn’t always that easy. It’s a lazy afternoon, and I just started thinking about my life so far. More specifically everything that has happened in this past year.

2010. A pretty nice number, huh? Been a pretty good year too, when I think about it. Actually, one of the best moments of my life happened within this year.

On the other hand, so did a whole bunch of other crap.

Reading back on some of my earlier posts, like the one on my first day of school, my first day of 8th grade — I had a lot of expectations for this year. A lot of plans. And it seemed like none of them turned out well.

It’s December. The last month of the year. 2010 is about to end, and I guess, it’s got me thinking about it. About what has happened. Or didn’t happen.

But, let’s tackle that one a time. Since I’m absolutely bored out of my brain right, I’m gonna pick up the pieces and dust off this old blog of mine. I’ll recall everything that has happened since my last post (back in September haha) and try to chronicle them as best as I can.

Right now… I can’t help but feel… that I’ve lost my spark. I’ve stopped trying to the things I’ve wanted to achieve. The things that I could only dream of.

Well, life’s been fine, recently. Things have been getting better. But I can’t help but feel something’s missing. That the days that are going by feel sort of empty. That I don’t feel…. alive.

One thing’s for sure: I have to get my spark back.

--Karin Novelia, A Missing Spark

I'm a Failure

Pretty pathetic title up there huh?

Let's just say, I've been having a pretty bad day, and tomorrow I'm afriad might not be all that better.

BAH! Whatahellamisayin? TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE GREAT, no matter how epic a FAIL today was. YES! I'm optimistic, really optimistic.

But, still, for the sake of my mental health, I guess I need to vent. Let out some steam before I blow.

So yeah. Today was a day I was dreading to go into. Why?

1) I knew the morning would go terribly wrong. My Public Speaking skills have failed me :(

2) I knew that someone would not be happy by the end of the day. Ultimately, I was right.

3) I knew that before the day even started that I would feel under-appreciated. I still do.

Nyaa... Sigh. HAHAHAHAHA! Bah .__.

Emotions are stabile right now, but they were flying all over the place the entire day. There's just one question on my mind now. Am I letting this go too quickly? I've always been told that I tend to be too nice for my own good. By just keeping quiet, am I just letting the trash pile up? Will this just let people continue on with their biased judgements, without me even standing up for myself?

But by opening my mouth will things even get any better? Or will it just add flames to the fire? It could end in ultimate resolution, but the spike of emotions and conflict that precedes it might not be even worth it. I've been there and here before. I know neither scenario is ideal, but I can't see either one as better.

When I thought of the words, "I'm a Failure", it took no hesitation for me to accept it. To accept the harsh criticism dished out by another. Honestly, I do feel like such a completely failure, I won't lie. I won't make excuses. I could blame everyone else but I haven't. I could've sulked all day, but I didn't.

And that is something, I can be proud of for myself. This trial of misconception and error has only strengthened me as a person.

Either way, I may be a failure today, but I can sure as hell be a SUCCESS tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

--Karin Novelia

Random, Random, Random

Hey!


Well, I'm very sorry to the very expectant reader(s) of this blog who are jumping up and down waiting for my next blog post. If you are that reader, I'm sure you've wanted this one to be about Singapore.


I apologize very deeply, for the delay. First thing tomorrow, I will get started on that post. At least, I hope so. The reason for my laziness is simply because I have writer's block! I can't seem to focus on writing about my trip around Singapore! I did some self-diagnosis on this condition (for a writer it's very serious, you know!) (and yes, I like to play Doctor!) and have come to a conclusion. Symptoms include: sudden hyper-activeness, mood-swings, emo-ness (emo is a real word!), pessimism, sudden recall of past events, sudden diligence to organize school learning materials, obsessive (almost compulsive) need to clean the entire house, and random thoughts!


Yes, and that's why to cure this writer's block I've prescribed myself a large dose of listing said random thoughts. From the top of my head, here we go:

1. Apparently I am (one of) the best writer(s) at my school. Said a certain someone :P
2. Just realized my brother was gone to whole day, and will be gone for the next 5 days. He's going to Jogya, which no one thought to tell me about o.O
3. My Love Life Sucks. As I recall the past, I realize every experience has been a crash and burn. Cue emo-ness :/
4. Barney! (not the purple one :P)
5. Lemon Law! Suit Up! High Five! It's going to be legen--wait for it!--dary! And, Tonight's going to be de--wait for it!--lightful! :)
6. Ted Mosby :)
7. Looking at the past 3 points, I am really a fan of How I Met Your Mother :P
8. My parents are a bit bi-polar.
9. My sister is spoiled.
10. My brother is a deaf, game-addicted boy.
11. I am very pissed.
12. Looking back and doing some self-reflection, my life has sucked.
13. I feel very optimistic right now.
14. I like using sarcasm :P
15. I hate the fact, that when I get passionate about writing a story and something comes up and cuts my groove half-way, when I read it back and get psyched again sometime later, I forget the really good bits about the story line!
16. I apparently have a collection of dolls plushies. They're plushies okay?? They are soft and fuzzy!! 
17. The names of said plushies are very original. I have a Teddy Bear named Teddy, and a Rabbit named Rabbit and a Pig named Pig. HAHAHA!
18. Annoying Orange rulez!
19. Ryan Higa is the best!
20. The only thing better than the Potter Books are the Potter Puppet Pals :D
21. Me and my best friend are growing apart. :(
22. David Cook is the BEST AI Winner Ever! I said the BEST! Case closed. Cuz I'm always right!
23. At this point, you, reader, probably think I have gone insane o.O
24. Whenever I reach out and help someone who has been an outcast, I get burned.
25. Yes, I'm cynical. But I compensate with humor. HAHAHA!
26. I may very well have OCD. If so, then I am a modern-age Monk (the detective guy)!
27. I think I'm falling for this guy, who's one year older. Not saying who.
28. I have no courage to even text my ex-friend
29. This is my 29th post. And look it's the 29th Point! (Did not plan this)
30. I should really go to sleep now.
31. Should I re-paint my room or try wallpaper?
32. I really love Big Fish and Play First Games.
33. I really don't like to follow trends.
34. The guy in number 27 is still on my mind o.O
35. You have to read "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher. I did. It really hit home :'(
36. Video games make being a doctor, lawyer, detective, forensics investigator so much fun than in real life.
37. I really, really, really, really want to be a teacher. I wish I could be one now.
38. The world is seriously messed up.
39. "Don't give me that look, Global Warming is just a theory!"--Bryan Ryan, Glee. An NPH moment.
40. I really love the Toy Story franchise. Still haven't gotten that Woody doll :(
41. This list is really long lol. Power of random thought, people. They are endless.
42. I still haven't finished that BOOKLET! OH NO! (As if anyone cares -__-)
43. Redemption is redundant for people who never learn.
44. Why did the chicken cross the road? The timeless question that has yet to be answered.
45. Not only is DAVID COOK an awesome singer, he can dance, act and is a total COMEDIAN. In short, he is AWESOME!
46. Oh! His 2nd album will be coming out in Fall! That's like in a few months! *fangirl squeal*
47. Guy in number 27 is still on my mind -__-
48. Can't wait for the finale of Glee!
49. My life is miserable! Just Kidding, LOL!
50. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... just thought of something funny.
51. I am athletically challenged! LOL!
52. I am not using LOL, often enough! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL! Soak it up people! LOL LOL LOL Laughter is healthy! LOL LOL LOL LOL. Especially in text form! LOL LOL LOL LOL
53. I'm not feeling so emo-ish anymore.
54. I'm feeling optimistic about tomorrow. (No sarcasm here.)
55. Writing this, has made me a bit sleepy.
56.  Forgot about Mr. Number 27--shoot, just put him back in LOL
57. Scrubs :) JD :) Zach Braff :) Awesome Comedic Master!
58. "I'm no Superman." 
59. "Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me." 
60. "Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend..."
61. "I think I'll try, defying gravity"
62. Above are snipped of my favorite songs. If you can guess them, I'll pay you Rp 20.000. (Yeah, right...)
63. Top Travel Wishes: New York City, Paris (France, not Ohio), London
64. I really should go to sleep. Nah.
65. My favorite number is 7.
66. I really like GREEN.
67. People are complex and over-complicated.
68. I remember playing Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh (the card games)
69. Where did my Digimon Plushies go??? o.O
70. Diner Dash!
71. I have a lot of random thoughts! Yipee!
72. I think my writer's block is disappearing.
73. If you have read until here, congrats, you are a true devoted reader of Knight of Pen and Paper. Now, go and do something more productive with your life... just kidding.
74. The 7th Artemis Fowl book (the Atlantis Complex) will be out in exactly 18 days. In North America. In Indonesia? Suffice to say, never. Or long after I'm dead. HA!
75. Borders is not a bookstore. It's a library. :)
76. My term "post-travel sniffles" (patent pending) is really catching on. So far: 2 hits. Well, including me. HA!
77. I WILL CHANGE TO WORLD! Mark my words, people.
78. I may have a God complex o.O LOL
79. Last thought: I'm sleepy. Good night, world!

That's it. Well, 'it' is a lot. But I feel much better now. Writer's block and the symptoms are gone! Final prognosis: cured! HAHAHA LOL LOL LOL :) :D

Signed,
Sir Writes-A-Lot

The Complexities of People

Before you say anything, yeah I know it's late. Why am I up so late? One word: projects. And the school's whacked out policy that deadline should be tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I know their doing that to give us more ULUM prep time, both honestly couldn't they have made it this Monday? That would give us the whole weekend tying up loose ends and putting on finishing touches. And believe me group work is not easy. -__-

ASEAN Youth Conference thing hasn't been announced yet, but by the looks of Yudhi's facebook status he's picking out candidates right now. Something to look forward to -__-

Anyways, bad mood, sleepy mood aside, I've been on a rollercoaster for awhile this year, but it looks like I'm having more ups than downs. Hopefully a fresh dose of Lee DeWyze songs will cheer me up tonight. J

Right now, I'm really confused about people. As one of the most evolved, intelligent ones on Earth, we're also the most complicated. Maybe it's because I've had a sheltered childhood, and my only playmate at home was TeeVee and Nickelodeon sitcoms, I like to stay quiet and observe people. Once considering psychiatry in my future career, sometimes I wonder whether or not we're too complicated enough to understand.

Basic psychology knowledge: people are who they are now based on their past experiences. Factors like family, friends, social community, all play a role in that. Stepping into SMP Santa Laurensia has really showed me a different spectrum of people. Maybe it was because we were all teens going to puberty and stuff and my train of thought was as innocent as a 5-year-old, but at first maybe I gave people the benefit of the doubt more than I should have.

I'm not saying names here, but unlike others, I don't like to gang up on others even though their flaws are apparent and I get somewhat determined to unveil the better person behind that. Doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing. Most of the time, my mom says I'm too nice for my own good (is that a bad thing?).

Once there was a boy, who everyone made fun of from day one. Being moved by goody-two-shoes heart, I decided to give him a chance and get to know the person inside. At first, it all seemed to sail smoothly. He turned out to be a fun and upbeat sort of guy. Dodging rumors and constant reminders that he is *insert bad word/trash talk here* and doesn't deserve a second of my time, I didn't listen. Guess you can tell this didn't turn out well, huh?

Long story short, he spilled a huge secret to the one main person he should've never told and we stopped being friends.

Yet, believe it or not, I found it in my heart to forgive him in the end.

"The Power of Forgiveness Sets You Free, Right?"

Okay, enough of that tragic story of a betrayed friendship. All it did was prove my point. People are complex. One minute, they act like this, then the next they do a complete 360 spin on ya.

For years, I've pondered why the Earth is so complicated. Correction, overly-complicated. And I guess I've discovered the answer is that people are the ones who are over-complicated. Like now there's all this talk of Global Warming. Can they stop all this talk for once and put in some action? Like you know how cars are one the main problem due to green house gas emissions? Can they just do something directly about the problem and I don't know, STOP mass-producing cars? That'll save metal and gas and force everyone to buy a bike.

Why can't that actually happen? Because, like I said, people are complex. They know it is the right thing to do but they avoid doing the right thing all due to their overzealous and egotistical need to make sure they are comfortable and thus cars are a society's must. Everyone would be causing a riot if a policy like that was ever passed and riot=chaos, chaos=political upheaval, political upheaval=anarchy, anarchy=living hell on Earth.

Yeah, I'm a bit peeved right now. >:P

Another example for humanity's complexities, is a certain girl. At a glance, this girl seems quiet and innocent, like a kindergartener stuck in teen's body. You think she does everything with all her might and would never hurt fly. WRONG! That's exactly what she wants you to think, so especially if you're smart, she'll start approaching you without you noticing it and you feel obligated to do all the work when you are in the same group, but then she starts getting pushy and giving orders and (I don't know what the English term is) nyolot.

Lesson learned: outside appearances and inside personalities can be completely different. Why can't people just act like themselves? There are various reasons. But one reason that I think applies for everything is that people are complex and complicated.

And I'm afraid we'll just never understand why.

Signed,

Sir Writes-A-Lot