Thoughts. (Entry #1)

I guess this shall be the first of many entries. Remember that "Learning Journal" I mentioned a few posts back? Well, I couldn't really think of a good name for it. So I shall just title these posts, Thoughts. which is beautiful enough a name in its simplicity, because essentially that's what these are, just my thoughts; opinionated, uncensored, raw.

 

I've done a lot of digesting this morning, and yesterday morning as well, mostly on current affairs.

 

The whole Syria issue is interesting to follow. Tensions have been high regarding the US' decision for a military strike. I've looked at the 'graphic' footage of the gas attacks in Damascus (though honestly it wasn't that bad -- though perhaps the actual graphic footage isn't so easy to find) and it was disturbing to see the effects of a chemical attack. I saw Obama's national address on the matter (it might be just me, but he seems considerably thinner since I last saw him speak -- then again, being POTUS must not be an easy job) and it was nice to see how much of the people's concerns he took into consideration. His decision to pursue a more diplomatic path, i.e. not resort to military intervention, was a good call in my book.

 

A new Van Gogh painting has been authenticated. I'm really glad to see people appreciate his work (though it's sad to think he's not still around to see it). I'm a bit self-conscious whenever anyone mentions him, because naturally I say I like him, but then I feel pretentious. My fascination with Vincent van Gogh and his work stems from the episode they did on him in Doctor Who, which though was based on his actual life, is still fiction. And it was great way to be introduced as it made me relate and attach myself to him on an emotional level. But from a factual perspective, it probably wasn't the best springboard. I would love more than anything to learn more about his life and perhaps see his works in person, but for now, I will respectfully say that my knowledge on Van Gogh is narrow and limited.

 

September 11, otherwise known as 9/11, has been a significantly remembered date since the event that occurred in 2001. At the risk of sounding very unsympathetic, it has been 12 years after 9/11 and I fail to see why the US feels the need to go to such extravagant lengths to commemorate it. Granted, when 9/11 I was 4-5 years old and had no idea that such a tragedy was even happening so perhaps it's not my place to say. But when you go as far as reading out the names of the 2000+ victims lost to the terrorist attack, it seems a bit much doesn't it? I do believe that what happened was a tragedy, but they are better ways to remember them, better ways to mourn. Especially for those who actually lost someone in the attack, shouldn't their remembrance be something personal? 12 years on, people all still haunted by 9/11, which to an extent is understandable. But when I discover stories of discrimination (against Muslims, people of Arabic descent) still being strongly present then maybe it's time to move on, not completely forget what happened but to at least move forward to a world that's all the more better for it.

 

I realize I have this tendency to zero in on news regarding Indonesia and the Philippines, and to be honest, Singapore news especially regarding the government, policies and public figures. I do think that the Singapore government has gotten their things in order but as I'm not an actual citizen of this pretty cool country, I might be a little blind to the downfalls. Again, not to make my identity crisis syndrome act up, but I think that one reason why I am quite a fan of Singapore (well, most of it, definitely NOT it's education system) is that I've been subjected to the negative torrent of criticism and lack of propriety shown by the Indonesian government and to see Singapore be somewhat well-governed is damn refreshing. I do however, place a lot of hope and optimism upon the land of my forefathers, and though I may not feel emotionally attached to Indonesia, it's good sides, such as it's tradition and culture, is apparent even to me. I even have both the Indonesian and Singaporean flags, which I obtained from their Independence day celebrations (which are just a week between each other), mounted on my wall. (If only I could get a Philippines one somehow). And I guess it serves as a good reminder of the diverse, rolling stone life I lead.

 

Anywaysbacktothenews.

 

Indonesia is gearing up for the 2014 general elections and of course, it's never to early to speculate who will find themselves in the presidential hot seat. It was interesting to see the name Joko Widodo and it actually sounds like a good idea to me. Joko Widodo is quite young for a politician and is currently serving as governor of the nation's capital, Jakarta. He has been making decent progress so far. He's pushing for the railway system to finally see the light of day, he's been cleaning up the streets. And it's refreshing to see new blood try to (hopefully) revamp the corrupt government. There's been some criticism to the very notion of this. Some believe that Jokowi has yet to prove himself, but let me remind you that he's had 5 years experience under his belt from running Solo, and for those who say he isn't even done with 'fixing' Jakarta, any plans for the capital will surely be more effectively run in the president's seat, because if there's one thing the Indonesian government is good at it is at not being able to coordinate.

 

Philippines has been hit by rebel attacks in some villages, and though I'm not completely sure why, I hope that they manage to resolve the problem peacefully, before any more innocent people are hurt.

 

Following Singapore headlines has inexplicably introduced me to what's happened with the IOC (International Olympics Committee). Tokyo has managed to secure its bid as the 2020 Olympics host (yay for Japan!!) and they've just elected Mr Bach as its new head. Now, the elections was especially fascinating as I realize that Asians got some power, man. Ng Ser Miang, a Singaporean, was a strong candidate during voting and seeing what he's done such as introducing the Youth Olympic Games in Singapore a few years back (if I'm not mistaken. I was sadly unable to follow and be more involved in the Games, though I was very supportive of this initiative). It's nice to know that someone is so invested in the youths of today, and also nice to realize that Asians do have a significant presence and authority in the "Western" world and being able to read about people making a difference out there is quite inspiring.

 

Well, I started writing this thing around 11 pm and now it's close to 1 am (what can I say, I got distracted). I am quite satisfied with how this first entry came out, though I should probably be more focused next time. Anyways, if you took the time to fully read this post, then I thank you very, very much and I hope that what I've written gets you thinking. Any comments are welcome (though honestly I'm terrible at keeping up with them).

 

So, 'till the next post then!

 

--Karin Novelia, Trying to Stay Current in a Fast-Paced World

Quick Update

How do you define a day well-spent?

 

Is it when you managed to cram a bucket load of school subjects in the least amount of time?

 

Or is it when you spend your time appreciating the beauty of some form of art?

 

Anyways.

 

This update is just to write something, I suppose. A slightly desperate attempt at so.

 

But I'm doing okay. My OBS post should be coming soon, it's somewhat a quarter-way written (though it could get longer). I spent most of the morning digesting things, such as what's happening in Syria, some works of Van Gogh, reading recounts and watching how people remember 9/11. I even finished an incredible read, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. It might warrant a book review (emphasize on might) but I don't know. It's the kind of book that touches you in such a profound way, to speak of it feels like a betrayal to the work, a betrayal to the personally deep connection you have somehow managed to form with it.

 

It's dinner time, so I guess I should head downstairs.

 

'Till later then.

 

--Karin Novelia, Just Here

Puke Space

Hello.

 

I know I promised some... "happier" posts, but I figured I need some time to ease back into this blogging thing.

 

So here it is.  A list of my random thoughts (cuz I sure love my lists, mmhmm). And from now on, such posts shall be called Puke Spaces (it shall be a THING).

 

1). It's hard to turn a blind eye when something you don't really wanna see is constantly all up in your face. All. The. Freaking. Time.

 

2). Can you really blame someone for being the way they are, even when who they are tends to make fun at your expense or disregard your feelings? I guess you could. But the problems is, since they don't realize what they're doing, you can't really fault them. Otherwise, you're the one who ends up looking like you've got a problem.

 

3). I don't care what anyone says. Indian boys are cute.

 

4). What does it mean to be thoughtful? It's to do something sincerely for others, not because you expect something in return, but because you care for them. But I'm finding it hard to be sincere when I know, no matter how thoughtful I am, it doesn't really matter to the other person. Because I'm not the one they wish would be that thoughtful to them.

 

5). When you've be unhappy for so long, the image sort of sticks. Which sucks. Because people question when you're happy. Genuinely, truly happy, even for no particular reason. As if it's so hard to believe that you are capable of happiness.

 

6). When you say something and it goes unheard, but when someone else says the exact same thing and gets a great response, what does that mean? Maybe there's just something about me that is simply... not.

 

7). It sucks to feel like there will never be anything consistent in your life.

 

8). Tom Hiddleston is the epitome of perfection OKAY.

 

9). Panic! At The Disco is the best.

 

10). I guess I'll never truly get over things.

 

That's it, I guess. I'm out.

 

So yeah. Till next time.

 

--Karin Novelia, Puking Out Her Thoughts

Better Versions

Hey, hello, um, hi!

 

... Damn. I really am rusty with this thing.

 

It's been a good month or so since my last post, and that wasn't exactly a happy one either.

 

If I am being honest here, or at least as honest as I usually try to be on this blog, I fell into a bit of funk by the time I got back from the June holidays.

 

I was, for lack of a better term, depressed.

 

Now, I've had inklings of this feeling creep on me before and they were never this bad. They were fleeting, at best, only temporary.

 

But this time... this time was different.

 

It was the kind of depression that was stifling, crippling. It really inhibited my ability to fully function and emote. It was scary. Really scary. And in the midst of my lacking emotions, I found that in my struggles to actually feel something I was lashing out, holding on to the pettiest feeling of irritation and anger, simply because they were there, they were accessible, they were the easiest thing to hold on to.

 

Long story short, I was a bitch for quite a while. There was damage done, some of which is still apparent, but hopefully can be patched over. Sometimes, it seems like it's irreparable. I guess that's my own fault.

 

Good news, though, I'm getting better. One main reason I think lead to the depression getting so bad was my initial refusal to acknowledge it. Although I said it was crippling and limited my ability to function, I could still push on. Keep Calm and Carry On as the Brits say. It made me incredibly guilty to even think about calling what I felt 'depression' because I know that other people have it a lot worse, other people can barely get out bed, other people have better reasons to be depressed. What was I doing? All I was being was ungrateful.

 

This change however, when I came across an article on the Internet. It was entitled Walking Depression and it described exactly what I was feeling, and perhaps what I knew all along but found no justification to properly acknowledge.

 

Walking depression is the type of depression that most people might face at some point in there live. It's the kind of dissatisfaction that makes it just a little bit harder to get out of bed. But you get up anyway. It's the kind of sadness that makes your days a little less brighter. But you go on and study and work and be productive anyway. Being functional is all fine and dandy but what's the point if you feel so unhappy?

 

Disillusioned. That was a word I attributed a lot to this, um, phase. It was like I was pushed, head first, into an empty swimming pool called reality, one that called that I be practical and let myself die a bit inside to 'succeed'. I wasn't really functioning. I wasn't really living. I was... trudging. That was another word that seemed so apt. I was being a soldier, keeping my head down, shoulders hunched, carrying on with no complaints.

 

Thank God that's over with.

 

You might be asking, what changed then? Well, acknowledging that I was unhappy was a nice first step. It gave me this sense of clarity and determination to find some way to fix it. So I set aside my pride, put down my armor. I apologized to people who needed to know how sorry I was. I tried looking out for more silver linings. I stopped being so hard on myself and occasionally let myself feel. I realized that I've been blowing a lot of responsibilities off -- and though it was too late to fix that, it was never to late for redemption. I reminded myself of the things that I love and why I do things that people may not approve of just because they think that having different priorities somehow makes me less of a person than them. The end goal wasn't necessarily to feel happy -- just okay enough to see the point in everything again.

 

I've been a bit interested in matters of the mind, and if you take the more scientific approach, how the brain works. Psychology and psychiatry are apparently two entirely separate fields. A recent article my tuition teacher gave me was even on anxiety. I've just finished a book entitled Hector and the Search for Happiness which talked about well, happiness, the way we perceive and process it in our brains.

 

I tend to say that I'm just a messed-up, giant ball of neuroses and perhaps that's true. Though from what I read, I don't fit neatly into one category. I have the faults of both ends of the spectrum apparently. I even came across a Tumblr post which nicely describes it.

 

So yeah. I think I just really needed to get this off my chest.

 

But, please tune in very soon as I'll definitely be posting some more positive posts :)

 

Look out for my OBS post and my latest initiative, something like a Learning Journal (sounds lame, but give me some time to think of something catchy). I'm trying my hardest not to lose interest in studies, but studying never really appealed to me. Learning, however, does. And I find that most of the time, I'm digesting things but not really processing them and spitting out some thoughts. Hopefully this Learning Journal will help me not only to express myself but to keep my interest burning strong. It of course won't be limited to what I learn in school. It could be about anything really, from what I thought about a TV show, a movie to classical music, the arts like Vincent van Gogh. The works. Mind you, this Journal will basically be a puke space of creativity, so don't expect any coherence of thought that I don't really have time to do anyway.

 

I really think I'm in a good place now. OBS, which was this outdoor camping course, was uplifting (but more about that later) and strengthened my resolve to be someone people can look up to. I once said that every time I looked into the mirror, I didn't really like who I saw -- this Paper Girl who was flimsy, thin and fake.

 

That Girl's gone. Maybe not completely, but I'm getting there.

 

And now, when I look in the mirror, I see a sincere smile, a slight glint in my eyes. I see a better version of me.

 

Let's hope there's only more good things to come.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

--Karin Novelia, Feeling So Better After a Long Time