Different Worlds

If you've seen the movie Interstellar, you would be well aware of how different planets can be completely different worlds. Each planet has it's unique topology and atmosphere. Even it's own gravity. And gravity is pretty powerful, mysterious force.

 

Basically, the force of gravity that acts upon a planet affects the speed at which it turns and orbits in space. And there's this theory, which is Einstein's Theory of Relativity, and this theory basically explains how things seem to move differently according to where you are or where you're observing something. This results in the 'time jumps' often ascribed to interstellar travel. An hour spent on one planet can equal to 7 years on Earth.

 

Science jargon aside, I can't help but use this to help me describe how I feel about being back home. Singapore and Jakarta really do feel like different worlds.

 

In Singapore, life seemed to move a bit more faster. Actually, a whole lot faster. I felt like I always had something to do, and so little time to do it, even on the weekends when I should, by right, not have much on my plate.

 

In Jakarta, time seems to slow down. It slows down to the point that I trick myself into thinking that I have all the time in the world to do the things that I want to do, and I end up 'procrastinating'. I put those quote marks because I guess you can't really procrastinate on things that can't be classified as work. Relaxing, can't be classified as 'work'.

 

I never saw Jakarta as 'my home planet'. It was always more like a rest stop. A stepping stone. I can't believe I'm saying this but Singapore is more my speed. I have the freedom to do what I want, and I don't have to worry about transportation, I can get to places on my own. And it feels nice, though I guess the price of that independence is you end up taking larger bites than you can normally chew.

 

Anyways, it's the last day of November. For now, I am figuring out how to make the best out of 2014, before it ends. December feels like it's going to be a big month. Lots of travelling, lot of adventures, and hopefully a lot of personal growth and self-improvement too.

 

Yeah, hopefully my ambitions come to fruition this time.

 

Cheers!

 

--Karin Novelia, Feeling A Bit Alien

Defaults

What do you do when your heart feels like it's too big for your chest? Is there any way to cut it open and tear it out, at least to lighten up the load by letting it bleed out?

I came across a book. It's called Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. I was expecting it to be good, but definitely wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting to read myself on paper. I wasn't expecting to be confronted with some of my most inner thoughts, ones that I pushed aside with good reason. I was expecting feels, but not like this. Not the bad kind.

It's a bit scary when a book reminds you of yourself so much. It forces you to think about things you'd otherwise ignore, to look deep inside yourself.

"Why do we write fiction?"

To disappear. 

The good thing about fictional writing is that they are fictional for a reason. They don't mirror real life. Or at least, they don't mirror your own life. A good relatable story is like an alternative universe. A different pathway of what ifs and could've beens that your life might have taken, but didn't. In a way, it's fun. You get to experience all that shit without actually experiencing it.

And then you catch yourself wishing you actually did experience it. Even the bad. You start wishing for the bad. What's worse is when you start wishing you could be a certain character. Especially the ones that seemingly contradict your own nature, contradict your default state.

I like to say that being a bitch is my default. And I say it like it's true. And I kind of believe it is. But I also wish I didn't. Because it's not true. Not really.

I realized being a bitch isn't my default. Or at least it didn't start out that way. A lot of my life, most of my childhood and my early teenage years are a bit of a blur. Possibly because I blocked out most memories. Or rather, they weren't really memorable to begin with.

I hate the fact that nothing really interesting happens to me. Even if some drama comes my way, I can never be 100% sure that it wasn't all a story I made up in my head. In a way, the story of my life has pretty much been written in stone. I am the good girl. The one who chooses to stay in her room than go out with friends. Who would rather live in a fictional world than a real one. The girl who works hard and will probably end up in a steady, if not dull, career. Live a pretty normal life. Have her shit together.

That's the story I see written out for me. And I don't like it one bit.

So I've taken the pages and put them through the shredder. Sure, I won't deny that I tend to retreat into myself. Rather than act out, I act in. I am reserved, calm. Yes, shy. But I refuse to let that hold me back. I refuse to let that be all I am. And so instead of having 'goody-two shoes' as a default, I rewrote it to 'bitch'.

Because I want to be that girl. The girl who carries herself with confidence and fakes coolness with ease. The girl who can walk into a room and make heads turn. The girl who can flitter around a room, make small talk and mingle. The girl who doesn't care about what people say. A 'bitch', in a sense. Is it unhealthy, wishing for this? No. Not if it pushes me to be a better person.

And I do want this. So badly. I want to be able to decide that I want to go to a party or a hangout or just go out and be social, and not have to worry about withdrawing so much into myself that I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. I want to be able to be confident enough to say what's on my mind without worrying if I sound stupid or crazy.

I want to go to parties and stay up late with my friends and go on spontaneous trips abroad. I want to all the things that "people like me" normally wouldn't do, because I want to do them. And maybe that's the part of me that doesn't make me quite like those "people like me". I genuinely want to experience life.

I want to be unapologetically enthusiastic about life. I want to be a nerd. And not just behind closed doors.

And I can't do that if I keep on being a 'good girl', all safe and cozy in the comfort of her own bedroom.

I'm wearing a pair of goody-two shoes and these, dear readers, are my ruby slippers. They pinch my toes and move my legs against my will, and I can never take them off. Not unless I chop my legs off. And I see myself doing so in the future. Repeatedly.

No. Actually, I am doing it now. Taking a chainsaw to those damned shoes, and slipping on a pair of high-heeled stilettos instead. My Dad said I am too social. I laughed for ages afterwards. Because he doesn't know how anti-social I really am. But in light of recent times, even I must admit that I am being really social lately. I am putting an effort to go out and meet people, even though it feels unnatural, against my so-called 'default'.

Perhaps, I will never be able to rewrite my default again. Being nice to people, even begrudgingly, is in my nature. My Mom always says that I'm "too nice" for my own good. That doesn't stop me though now, does it? And being a bitch is sort of wired into my DNA now too. When you try so hard to rebel against yourself, it does tend to come off the wrong way. And it sticks.

But I think I can do this. Develop the ability to be outgoing and 'extroverted' (I kind of dislike using that word -- 'introverted' too). And even if I never truly acquire it, at least I can learn how to fake it. All the way.

I don't know how to end this post.

Let's just say I am... feeling ambitious lately.

Cheers.

--Karin Novelia, Rebelling Against Herself

Things I Am Grateful For

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is a list of things I am grateful for:

1. My best bud Ben and all the highness that comes with him.
2. The past 2 years of my life as a Secondary Student in Singapore, which has made me a better person.
3. Ice cream.
4. Pizza.
5. All my wonderful scholar peeps and the epic moments we shared.
6. That my family can finally afford a new house (old one's getting a bit cramped).
7. My parents, who may not always get me, but I know will always support me.
8. My little sister, who keeps me young.
9. My big brother, who reminds me that I am never alone.
10. Phoebe (who I am surprisingly missing so much rn) for making school life a little less boring
11. Bastille, for always making good music.
12. Lorde, for reminding me that even the most reserved people can put themselves out there and succeed.
13. John Green, for writing my favorite books that remind me that even people older than you were teenagers, once upon a time.
14. Someone who showed me that even though things between us will never go back to the way things used to be, the moments we shared left a mark, and will always be treasured heartfelt moments, regardless of whether or not we remain in each other's lives.
15. Sushi.
16. Cereal. All the types of cereal.
17. Finally having friends who give enough of a shit about me to throw me birthday surprises.
18. Connor Franta and all other Youtubers who make me smile, and inspire me to go after my own dreams.
19. A certain someone, for teaching me that sometimes people will just not understand you. And that's okay.
20. Another certain someone who always believed the best in me, even when I was at my worst.
21. Taylor Swift for being Queen, making the best music, and for showing me that the haters really shouldn't matter
22. Learning that moving on from something (or someone) means not just being able to push all the feelings aside and forgetting about it. You need to accept it and reconcile with the fact that whatever it is your missing is gone, or will never happen, and you need to move on sincerely, not grudgingly.
23. And finally, I am thankful for me being able to still be a better person, even after getting hurt along the way.

Ah, ended on my dear friend, number 23. Perhaps not the most coherent list, but I like the way this just flowed out. 2014 has definitely been one for the history books, and I just can't believe the year is nearly over. 2014 was huge improvement from 2013, and let's hope that even better things are in store for me in the year 2015.

Meanwhile, while 2014 is still alive and kicking, I am going to make the best of this holiday and have lots of fun with it. You have my word on that :)

Cheers!

--Karin Novelia, Grateful for A Lot of Things (Good and Bad)

Never Enough

If you're new to this blog, then one simple fact that you should know about me is that I am the type of person who wants a lot out of life. And I mean, a lot.

Growing up, whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never had one solid answer. In my mind, I had this entire list of things I wanted to at least experience, at least try. Once I joined my school's dance crew in primary school, I started having these dreams of becoming a dancer. Once I started getting into reading fiction, I had these ideas of becoming a writer. I am starting to see that I am easily impressionable, at least when it comes to the positive (slightly glamourized?) side of things. If you show me how something, like a career path, can be fulfilling and gratifying in it's own way, then I might be persuaded to consider it.

Perhaps it is both a blessing and a curse, having this urge to do so much with your life that you become driven to go out there and go after your dreams. But it is also terrifying.

Newton's First Law of Motion goes a little something like this: an object at rest will remain at rest, and an object in motion will continue to move at a constant speed in a straight line. This is otherwise known as Law of Inertia -- the reluctance of something to change it's state of motion.

I am a person who has a lot of metaphorical inertia. When I start to slow down and lose interest in something, even for the briefest of moments, I find it a bit hard to get the engine started again. I have been there, at a point where things just felt pointless and meaningless and so I just stopped trying. But when I did find the urge to try again, I realized that I was emotionally and mentally stuck.

This is a state I try very hard to avoid. I do things to distract myself from those crippling emotions, even when they just creep up ever so slightly. I have been doing a good job of maintaining a decent amount of energy and highness lately, but... average levels are starting to feel insufficient.

I have always been wary of my expectations, and I spend quite a lot of time trying to moderate them, toning them down to save myself from disappointment. And that works, to a degree. But I'm starting to wonder if tempering my expectations is preventing me from reaching higher standards.

The other side of this inertia problem, is that once I get going, it find it very hard to stop. And contrary to what Newton believed, I don't move at a constant speed. I move at a constant acceleration, at with every little victory and accomplishment, I will always be left wanting more and I guess I'm just afraid that nothing will ever be enough. So I deny myself even the idea of more, because on the off chance that I actually do achieve more I don't want to risk my ego and my desire going out of control.

This fear, though reasonable, is also a bit irrational. Why the hell am I playing martyr and denying myself the very things I want out of life? Life is scary, life is tricky and life is definitely not easy. But being afraid and worrying about things, doesn't help either.

Feelings of fear and inadequacy aside, if I'm going to really start being the best me I can be, I need to be smart about it. I do have a tendency to spread myself thin, and though juggling so many things can be stressful and demanding, I actually believe that I can handle it. But being willing to take on so much and dedicating so much of your time to things that can classified as 'work' also means killing some of your darlings and sacrificing a lot of your 'me' time. I guess before I can take the next step, I need to decide how much I'm willing to give up in order to start meeting those 'high' standards of mine.

A lot of successful people are where they are now because they put in the time and the effort to do what was necessary, they put in the work and the practice to be masters at their craft and take advantage of their opportunities. That's a notion that gives me hope and motivation to actually go for this, but then I also realize that most of these people only really focus on one thing, that one thing that they are naturally good at. And I can't bring myself to choose just one thing.

And maybe I don't have to. At least, not yet.

It's unsettling. For a while now -- perhaps for far too long -- I have felt suffocated by my own indifference and apathy. And here we are, at the other side, and I don't know if this is better. Feeling dwarfed by the sheer enormity of my own ambitions.

Thinking about the future, I've decided not to quantify my life and see its value solely on the number of achievements I manage to attain. Instead I want to look back on my life and see the value of the richness of my experiences, good and even bad.

I used to think that being happy was the goal in life, y'know? The one goal I need to achieve to not die with any regrets. I think I need a little bit more than that. Happiness is good, but something about the concept also seems fleeting. What I need to search for is some peace of mind.

The path to reach that point, will be littered with obstacles. It will be an uphill battle, and maybe the only way to get some peace of mind isn't to realize all the dreams I have in my head. What I need to do is to at least try.

Who knows how this will turn out. By the time I find out, it will be too late to do anything about it.

Maybe this'll work.

Or maybe....

This'll never be enough.

--Karin Novelia, Having Enough With Being Stuck

Nothing to Say (???)

Hello.

So yeah. I'm falling behind on this blogging thing because I am horrible, lazy human being XD

Gaaaah what is life.

Anyways, I'm starting to think that this blogging every single day is a bit too much, especially since some days are just not so exciting. I've been sort of productive lately. I've caught up with Doctor Who and Once Upon A Time, been reading Time magazines and going out. It's been pretty nice but also not really interesting.

It's not that I didn't want to blog. These past few days I tried to sit down and blog, but at the end of an hour or so I still had a completely blank page staring back at me. And it's weird and frustrating, wanting to blog but finding yourself with nothing to say.

And this is a new feeling for me, because even at my most uninspired, I still had this urge to write and I would be able to push myself to write even though I was well aware that what I was churning out was crap.

I guess it's not really that I don't have anything to say, it's more like I don't see the point of saying these things or blogging about my day or just puking my thoughts. And when I do feel like I have something significant to say, I'm usually being a bit emo and brooding and I don't want all the posts on this blog to be sappy, slightly depressing, contemplating pieces, y'know?

One feeling that I do feel I should address, is this feeling of indifference to everything lately. I don't know why, but since I've been home, I feel like I am being very unproductive, mostly being the things I'm doing can in no way be classified as 'work' and I just feel like I am wasting my holiday away by just 'relaxing' which is the point of holidays really.

I have lost my movie-junkie, TV-show-binge-watching self and it's a bit disconcerting, because now I find sitting in front of a screen for a few hours, no matter how good the show or movie is, is very counter-productive and a huge waste of time. What. Is. Going. On.

I just called my love of watching cool shit a waste of time. And I'm not sure what one is supposed to do when you start seeing the things you love(d) doing in your spare time as wasteful.

I don't know.

Anyways, I'm gonna try to kick it into high gear tomorrow by getting up early and exercising (mostly to assuage my guilt for all the food I've been eating) and yeah, I might do a bunch of short posts, though I doubt they'd be chipper, per se. A bit serious, and reflective, but hopefully not depressing. Haha.

Planning on doing some reviews too, soon. I haven't done one in awhile. So yeah. Things to look forward to! Yay!

Cheers until the next post then.

--Karin Novelia, Struggling With The Words

Lazing Around

Hey-o!

Yeah, it's pretty late and I'm cutting it a bit close for today's post. What can I say, lazing around sure makes you lose track of time. I was planning to kick into full productive gear on Monday, but it turns out I am pretty tuckered out from the past week of fun and socializing in Singapore. I think I'm gonna tone it down until I at least catch up on some Zs.

Today was a good day though. I went out with the family and had this amazing lunch at Paulaner Munchen Brauhaus, which is this German restaurant in Grand Indonesia. Pork knuckles, German sausages. Everything was just on point. And I even had sips of my Dad's beer :P

And yeah. Right now I am playing my 3DS and am coming so close to finishing Professor Layton vs Phoenix Wright. I guess that's productive...?

So tomorrow's probably another low key day. My sister still has school, my dad work, and my mom usually has stuff to do, so I'll probably spend the morning at home alone. Hopefully I can go swimming. Not much in mind.

I might also take a quick out of town trip with the scholar gang from Tuesday until Thursday. Unless I have any wi-fi access I might not be able to post, but meh, I will make up for it somehow.

I suppose another good thing to do to help me stay on track this holiday is to make my favorite thing: Lists!

I have so much in mind that I wanna do, I might have to calm myself down before I end up frustrating myself.

Anyways, that's all for today.

Cheers.

--Karin Novelia, Releasing Her Inner Bum

Going on Holiday!!

Hello, dear reader.

O Levels are finally over, my life of a Secondary Student is finally done, and I have left Singapore and am currently at my lovely, comfortable home. It feels so nice to back in Indonesia and to be with my family and I am just very, very happy right now. All the feels!

I have decided to get very productive this holiday and one day I'm gonna do that is to blog everyday. Yes. Every. Single. Day.

Hopefully, I'll be able to stick to this commitment. But right now I just got off the plane, and I'm kinda tired. Tomorrow will probably be a lazy day, to just recharge and relax and readjust to being back at home. This was just a quick little update post to let you know what's store. So hope you can stick around and see all the little adventures and shenanigans I'll be getting up to.

'Till the next post then. Cheers!

-- Karin Novelia, Ready to Vacay

Valid.

The tricky thing about self-restraint is that no one sees how much effort you put into controlling yourself but you. It's really frustrating since people can only really see how far you can be pushed when you've reached your limit and self-destruct. Even then they may not be able to see it. And by then, it's too late to take anything back and it definitely won't be a pretty sight.

I have realized that our lives happen within ourselves. External forces may conspire and cause things to happen to us, but our lives become things that we process inwardly into words and images, thoughts and feelings. And all of this, all that we think, all that feel and all that we... imagine... are things that only we can see and it's not easy to share our inner musings with someone and have them truly understand.

Regardless of that fact, we still try. We try to put into words all that goes on inside our heads and share what we feel with other people. And there are moments when that other person does understand. And moments like those are almost magical, because two disparate, and possibly very different minds, have found common ground. Two people, in this random and erratic world, have made a connection.

On the other hand, there are those moments when, in trying to connect, words fail you or prejudice and preconceptions get in the way of bridging that gap of understanding. And those moments are terrifying, especially when you have put yourself in such a vulnerable position by opening up, because not only do you feel like you are being misjudged, you also realize that the other person, the person who somehow made you feel comfortable enough to trust them, doesn't understand you as much as you believed they would.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that friends and family always have to be on the same page. But when the other person not only doesn't understand what you're trying to say but also makes no attempt to try to do so, that is where certain lines may be crossed. It is in those instances that some people may decide to show a severe lack of empathy and (perhaps very unintentionally) belittle your opinions and invalidate your feelings.

I am the type of person who is very much stuck in her own head. It's up in the clouds, and no matter how hard I try to anchor it back down to earth, my thoughts simply spiral out of control and escape me. They venture into the darkest places and my mind is not the prettiest place to be.

I don't know. I guess one flaw of mine is that I tend to open up too easily and to the wrong people, perhaps out of the belief that doing so and being understood, will make me feel less insane. Because I certainly have been feeling a bit mental, lately.

It's just all in your head.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that sentence in these past 2 years alone and hearing it again just a few days ago was just a bit more than I could take. Here I was, pouring out everything about something that I struggle with so, so much, already feeling like I am fuckin' crazy and to be told that, it just... it just doesn't leave a good taste in your mouth.

There is a reason why people find it hard to open up. The last thing you should tell them is that their feelings are invalid.

By telling someone that it's all in their head you are not only dismissing their thoughts and feelings, you are also rendering them insignificant and unreasonable. It is important to realize that even though you may strongly see it that way, the other person who is sharing their inner demons with you, thinks those demons are very, very real, even if they end up being merely shadows on the wall.

I will admit though, that there are times when I just let my imagination get carried away and let my thoughts run away from me and I end up seeing things that aren't really there, and giving significance and meaning to things that are, in the end, quite meaningless.

It's like when someone you have a crush on suddenly texts you out of the blue and you wonder does he like me? ohmygod what if he does and with every LOL and smiley face that he sends, that sentiment somehow becomes more true, even when in reality, it isn't. And that's a perfectly normal thing to do.

It is perfectly normal for us to project what we wish for and what we desire onto the things that actually happen to us in real life. It is perfectly normal to hope that life has something good in store for us, to believe that good things will happen in our lives and that we deserve them.

Something HAS to happen for you, right. There has to be this grand masterplan behind everything, a major plot, a movie-like storyline.

Well, reality is all that we have and really, nothing very dramatic happens in real life.

As I read these words -- these tweets -- I can't help but feel that someone is using my biggest fear against me and driving it like knives into my heart. My biggest fear that one day I will wake up, horribly disillusioned with life (already been there, sort of, to be honest) and have this crippling realization that everything good and meaningful in my life has all been a lie, all been a story I made up in my head.

Mundane and flat and much less interesting than in movies, and of course life also lacks glamourized stories or events or feelings but yeah.

I mean, a lot of people are living just fine without any of these problems so why are you making them exist when they can not?

Is that what I'm doing? Am I rewriting the actual story of my life into some sort of movie? Am I seizing every little moment and spinning it into its own dramatic tale by giving it meaning and a deep, underlying purpose? Am I exaggerating things, making my own problems and giving myself my own tragic backstory so I feel less... dull?

Maybe I am. But maybe that also doesn't matter.

I have to disagree with these words, because I refuse to believe that mundane and boring is all there is to life. Even if maybe that is all there is to it, I refuse to stop hoping for more, I refuse to stop reaching out for something bigger than me.

I have spent so many years now envisioning this amazing life that I am going to build for myself. Maybe my standards are too high, but life has so far left me bitterly disappointed. And I can't stand feeling like my life doesn't have meaning. So I project. I reach. I cut myself to remind myself that I can still bleed.

As I said, life happens within ourselves. And if we fail to react to life naturally and let ourselves experience it inwardly, we fail to find any significance. Even if that significance is something that comes from somewhere that's all in your head, it still is something we believe and we find meaningful and it doesn't matter if no one else agrees or sees it that way.

The worse thing about all this is that I actually believed it. I actually believed that what I was experiencing and feeling and all that happened really was all in my head. There is only one thing worse than listening to people doubt your sanity and that's listening to yourself having those same doubts.

I guess, sometimes, having everything happen exclusively in my head is necessary. It is necessary to save myself from the mundane, and to save myself from that tiny little voice in my head.

And really, sometimes we all twist reality into something more palatable, twist it to suit our own fantasies, because it's one way of getting by. It is one way for me to push away that cold, sinking feeling of numbness that resides within the hole in my chest.

Maybe I am overly dramatic, and maybe I am fucking insane, but you know what, I don't see anything wrong with that. Being this way is a reminder that I am invested in my life, and I care enough to hope for things to happen and to attribute some meaning to the seemingly ordinary. If you live life without going through the motions and letting yourself feel what you want to feel, and without acknowledging the things that mean something to you, then mundane and flat really is all you are ever going to get. And I know that I will never give up on my life having yet found that meaning.

Some days that is a comforting thought that helps me get through the day.

And maybe life isn't like the movies. But when you think about it, movies essentially are dramatizations of real life, no matter how closely they try to resemble it. That doesn't make the messages they send and the emotions that they evoke any less valid.

If I have learned anything in my 2 years in Singapore, 2 years which have been filled with so many great highs and terrible lows that I don't even know whether I'm grateful for them or not, I've learned that what you think and what you feel are yours and they are entirely, completely and 100% valid no matter what other people say.

It is only healthy for you to acknowledge that this is how you feel and to sort through those emotions no matter how broken or messed up they seem. And you shouldn't try to sweep everything under rug by trying to convince yourself that what you feel is stupid and telling yourself that you should not feel this way, because that would only be detrimental to your sanity. The last thing you want to do is to really believe that it is. All. In. Your. Head.

It becomes more uplifting in a way, after doubting yourself so much and thinking this is as good as it'll ever get, to finally reach a point where those feelings of numbness give way to optimism and hope because then you really convince yourself that things will get better, life will work itself out and life has something amazing in store for you.

But right now, I'm finding it hard to convince myself of that. Maybe I really am just this messed up and maybe that's all I'll ever be.

I don't know.

I. Don't. Know.

-- Karin Novelia, Desperate For Some Validation

[P.S. thank you for reading. Not that anyone actually reads this blog. I hope that you managed to benefit from what I was trying to say, minus all the angst and the fact that I probably stopped making sense like 10 paragraphs ago. Don't worry, I'll feel better soon. I always do. But for now I need to sort through this. I need to let go of this. I need to let go of this person. As much as I don't want to. But that's another story. I promise that more happier posts will come. Cheers.]

Feeling... Frantastic ;)

Hey-o! Hey-a! Um, hey!

(Awkward greetings are sort of my signature thing hehe)

Well, yeah. It's been a good.... 4 months (?) since my last post and I've realized that I often promise to write more and never actually follow through (sowwy!).

Anyways, that is definitely going to change soon, because, guess what? I AM DONE WITH MY O'LEVELS. Well, sort of. I made it through hell week, which is the bulk of all the stressful written papers, and now I only have 2 one-hour Multiple Choice Question Papers to think of, and they're spaced quite a bit apart, so I can sort of study but be chill about it at the same time.

Last post, I was in the middle of Prelims 1, and life kinda got pretty hectic from there. School kicked into overdrive and I had to like revise (had to, not to say that I did... I procrastinated, that's what I do :p) for Prelims 2 which was only a few weeks after. Yeah, there was a lot of studying involved, and there wasn't many fun things going on, or at least, nothing worth blogging about. I could've made some emo/sappy post about my feelings, but naaaah, had a bit too much of those on this blog already.

Gosh, I'm rambling. um how do u woRDS.

Okay. So, there were some pretty good things that happened towards the ends of the past few months. With the realization that O'Levels were coming came the realization that my time as a Secondary school student here in CJC Hostel was coming to an end. Like 2 years, gone. Just like that. And so I decided to make the most of it.

Back in October, the 11th to be exact, my hostel (or dorm, whatever you'd like to call it) held this Farewell Party for the graduating batch. It was organized by my juniors and it was a really cool Oscars/Awards Show themed thing. Me and my best bud, Ben, decided to 'match' (in the end we didn't really, but we both wore blue so close enough?). Maybe I should post a pic if Ben's cool with it.

But the BEST PART, without a doubt, was the fact that I got to perform. I was involved in two performances, one was a singing performance with the other Sec 4 girls in my batch. We did a mash up of Westlife's My Love and Ed Sheeran's All Of The Stars (it sounds kinda weird, but it worked!) followed by a rendition of Bastille's Pompeii (I love that song). It was really fun to prepare and gave me all these like farewell feels.

BUT (was is with all the buts in this post) even BETTER was the dance performance I sort of 'captained' I suppose. Now, I don't think I've actually said this on my blog, but I am obsessed with dancing. I was in my school's dance club back in the Philippines, back in 2nd Grade, and I would've stayed in it for years until I graduated, but then I moved to Indonesia, and I wasn't really able to continue dancing. (Disclaimer: when I say dancing here, it was really nothing high-level. If you're thinking I did all these ballet moves or anything, just, just stop. It was 2nd Grade so the moves where really simple. I did learn how to cha-cha so that was fun.)

When I came to Singapore, everyone sort of knew I used to dance (I think I mislead them though, and they thought I was really good at it) and last year, one of my seniors asked me if I wanted to perform at farewell. I was really hesitant at first, but in the end thought it would be fun. We called ourselves #7 (read: Hashtag 7) because there was only seven of us, and the performance went really well (better than I expected really). Though I was horribly, cringe-worthly off beat at some parts.

Fast forward, to this year. After seeing how well last year's performance went, I decided to perform again this year. So I recruited the other Sec 4's and I thought they were gonna be hard to convince, but they were surprisingly very enthusiastic about it. We called ourselves #8 (even though there were 12 of us) to keep the tradition going, and yeah. We did a Waltz, some K-Pop and even a Hip-Hop number, and I can confidently say, we went above and beyond what #7 did last year (yay for self-improvement!!)

I actually uploaded videos of the performances on my Youtube channel (actually just my Google account) and if you want to see them, click here!

 

What else has been going on..... ummm...

 

So farewell was really fun, and sort got me on this weird high. Sadly, the end of farewell, meant that O'Levels was even nearer. So yeah, I got through the worst it. Studying for Os was kind of infuriating, mostly tedious and really, really stressful. Most of my papers went well, so hopefully my results will be good next year.

 

I've also been really, really, really happy lately. Now, for me, happy is word I kind of don't use, because I don't use it lightly. For these past few years, my feelings of happiness are far too often erratic and fleeting, that it's hard for me to see myself as a happy person. It takes a lot to make me feel genuinely happy, as in being happy and in a good mood and smiling and laughing quite an extended period of time. And lately, I can sincerely say, that I've been happy.

 

This sudden wave of happiness all started when my best bud, Ben, (yeah, I think you're gonna hear a lot of references to Ben on this blog) in the midst of studying and stress, decided to show me a Youtube video, namely this one.

 

So yeah, it's a Tyler Oakley video, and I've known Tyler Oakley for quite a while. Before I moved to Singapore, which was like 2 years ago, I was a hardcore, internet fangirl. Tumblr was like a drug to me and through Tumblr I stumbled on Tyler Oakley. He's a Youtuber, a pretty well-known one now, but a few years ago he was just starting to make a name for himself. I remember watching him doing a red carpet interviewing Darren Criss (Tyler is like the Queen of Darren Criss Fangirls. I thought I was a hardcore DC fan, but no. Tyler Oakley proved me wrong).

 

But I'm not here to talk about Tyler Oakley.

 

Ever since I moved to Singapore I sort of dropped the whole internet fangirl, partly because it was really distracting, and mostly because internet here kind of sucks and is hard to get. But when Ben showed me that one little Youtube video, I heard so many bells ringing in my head, that I just had to sort of slip back into the skin of me-from-2-years-ago relive it all and so I decided to start with the other guy in Tyler's video: Connor Franta.

 

When I heard the name Connor Franta it sounded very, very, familiar but I had no idea why. His face was strangely unfamiliar, but I knew that I must've seen Connor somewhere. So I look him up and then it hit me: O2L. This is the same guy from O2L.

 

O2L, abbreviation of Our 2nd Life, is this collaboration channel on Youtube that started off with 6 guys, who would post a video on their assigned day of the week (Connor was Mondays). O2L started just a few months before I moved to Singapore, and since I was a hardcore, internet fangirl I was obsessed. OBSESSED. Keeping mind that this was a new channel, not many people tuned in to their channel, and I was sort of fangirling over O2L (mostly Connor) alone, like I couldn't talk about it with my friends. But I loved it, a lot, for some reason, even though the videos started out kind of... you know, not as good as they are know, and probably because I just found it refreshing to see some funny Youtube videos especially when I had nothing else better to do.

 

Sadly, that craze was sort of short lived, and I dropped my obscure Youtube days behind not long after I moved to Singapore. But after Ben showed my video, ohmygod, the floodgates have been opened and Fangirl Karin has been reborn. So yeah, if you can't tell by now I am OBSESSED with Connor Franta. He cut his hair in the 2 years I missed, and it made a huge difference to his look, I mean, no wonder I didn't recognize him. And the boy with the Justin Bieber hair and a few hundred subscribers, now has an awesome coif and almost 3.5 million subscribers. I mean seeing how Connor has just grown so much and done so much on Youtube, is just inspiring, and also kinda sad because I missed the whole 2 year evolution of it. But at least now I have a lot to catch up on. Teehee ;)

 

You can check out Connor Franta's videos at his channel here. While you're there you might as well check out other Youtubers like Tyler Oakley, Zoella, Strawburry17, Marcus Butler. When you start watching one Youtuber, you sort of fall into this vortex and get introduced to everyone else. It's a good kind of vortex though, trust me ;)

 

So yeah. I am in a really good place. At definitely a much, much better place than I was in last year. Ugh. 2013 just makes me cringe when I think about it really. It was really bad, in hindsight. Can we just forget 2013 happened and like never mention it again :/

 

But yeah, I promised myself to be a better person this year, and with 2014 coming to a close, I like to think that I have kept that promise. 2014 has been a pretty amazing year.

 

I'm still trying to figure out why exactly I'm so happy lately. And it's not like I'm being skeptical and purposefully questioning my happiness. It'd just be good to know, you know, for future reference.

 

And it's really more than just these fangirl feels. I guess seeing that video, rekindling my obsession for Connor Franta and everything Youtube, has reminded me of who I was 2 years ago. I was this girl, who although I was kind of shy and wasn't that outgoing, was pretty much comfortable in her own skin, and was very openly, and shamelessly, very (overly) enthusiastic about the things that she liked, even if they were things not many other people were into or understood or found weird. I didn't realize this until now, but I really miss being that girl. Being that girl who was interested in a bunch of different things, and was just this ball of energy and fangirling squeals and feels, who also had so much optimism and visions for her future.

 

That's what Youtube represents to me, I feel. It's a group of people who despite their own shadows, managed to break out of their comfort zones and dared to go for what they wanted and just do the things that they love and love the things that they do. And who knows, maybe one day, hopefully soon, I'll be doing the same thing.

 

I guess this new 'happy' me, isn't really anything new. It's more of me sort of reverting back to my old self, though also with a more grown, mature take on things. It's hard to fully explain. Especially to other people, who are so not used to seeing me like this. I think they just think I'm stressed (which I kinda am, or rather, was) and my bubbly cheer will fade soon. I hope it doesn't o.O

 

Right now, I just want to keep myself on this high. I've got good friends I can joke around with, I have my best bud Ben who is totally okay with me being my weird fangirl self (seriously, I doubt anyone else would), I'm excited about the holidays coming (so many plans!!), I'm excited to go out and have some fun with my friend as much as possible before the year ends and yeaaaah. I'm just in a good place right now. I don't really want to question it.

 

OH and I just turned 18. I feel old. But not really. And I can also drink now *cheeky grin*. I honestly cannot wait until I am in my 20s and have my own place and just sort of go on spontaneous adventures, possibly involving liquor. I don't know. God bless the soul who will have to deal with my hot-mess 20 year old-ish self. Haha. Looking forward to it though.

 

Ohmygod this turned out to be such a long post. Maybe I needed to blog more than I thought. If you managed to read this far, then bravo to you, thanks so much for reading. I hope you're having a good day or night or whatever, and even if you're not, then I hope you'll feel better.

 

I for one am feeling, (as my bae Connor Franta would say) fuckin' Frantastic ;)

 

'Till the next post!

 

--Karin Novelia, Having a Frantastically Fine Time