Valid.

The tricky thing about self-restraint is that no one sees how much effort you put into controlling yourself but you. It's really frustrating since people can only really see how far you can be pushed when you've reached your limit and self-destruct. Even then they may not be able to see it. And by then, it's too late to take anything back and it definitely won't be a pretty sight.

I have realized that our lives happen within ourselves. External forces may conspire and cause things to happen to us, but our lives become things that we process inwardly into words and images, thoughts and feelings. And all of this, all that we think, all that feel and all that we... imagine... are things that only we can see and it's not easy to share our inner musings with someone and have them truly understand.

Regardless of that fact, we still try. We try to put into words all that goes on inside our heads and share what we feel with other people. And there are moments when that other person does understand. And moments like those are almost magical, because two disparate, and possibly very different minds, have found common ground. Two people, in this random and erratic world, have made a connection.

On the other hand, there are those moments when, in trying to connect, words fail you or prejudice and preconceptions get in the way of bridging that gap of understanding. And those moments are terrifying, especially when you have put yourself in such a vulnerable position by opening up, because not only do you feel like you are being misjudged, you also realize that the other person, the person who somehow made you feel comfortable enough to trust them, doesn't understand you as much as you believed they would.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that friends and family always have to be on the same page. But when the other person not only doesn't understand what you're trying to say but also makes no attempt to try to do so, that is where certain lines may be crossed. It is in those instances that some people may decide to show a severe lack of empathy and (perhaps very unintentionally) belittle your opinions and invalidate your feelings.

I am the type of person who is very much stuck in her own head. It's up in the clouds, and no matter how hard I try to anchor it back down to earth, my thoughts simply spiral out of control and escape me. They venture into the darkest places and my mind is not the prettiest place to be.

I don't know. I guess one flaw of mine is that I tend to open up too easily and to the wrong people, perhaps out of the belief that doing so and being understood, will make me feel less insane. Because I certainly have been feeling a bit mental, lately.

It's just all in your head.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that sentence in these past 2 years alone and hearing it again just a few days ago was just a bit more than I could take. Here I was, pouring out everything about something that I struggle with so, so much, already feeling like I am fuckin' crazy and to be told that, it just... it just doesn't leave a good taste in your mouth.

There is a reason why people find it hard to open up. The last thing you should tell them is that their feelings are invalid.

By telling someone that it's all in their head you are not only dismissing their thoughts and feelings, you are also rendering them insignificant and unreasonable. It is important to realize that even though you may strongly see it that way, the other person who is sharing their inner demons with you, thinks those demons are very, very real, even if they end up being merely shadows on the wall.

I will admit though, that there are times when I just let my imagination get carried away and let my thoughts run away from me and I end up seeing things that aren't really there, and giving significance and meaning to things that are, in the end, quite meaningless.

It's like when someone you have a crush on suddenly texts you out of the blue and you wonder does he like me? ohmygod what if he does and with every LOL and smiley face that he sends, that sentiment somehow becomes more true, even when in reality, it isn't. And that's a perfectly normal thing to do.

It is perfectly normal for us to project what we wish for and what we desire onto the things that actually happen to us in real life. It is perfectly normal to hope that life has something good in store for us, to believe that good things will happen in our lives and that we deserve them.

Something HAS to happen for you, right. There has to be this grand masterplan behind everything, a major plot, a movie-like storyline.

Well, reality is all that we have and really, nothing very dramatic happens in real life.

As I read these words -- these tweets -- I can't help but feel that someone is using my biggest fear against me and driving it like knives into my heart. My biggest fear that one day I will wake up, horribly disillusioned with life (already been there, sort of, to be honest) and have this crippling realization that everything good and meaningful in my life has all been a lie, all been a story I made up in my head.

Mundane and flat and much less interesting than in movies, and of course life also lacks glamourized stories or events or feelings but yeah.

I mean, a lot of people are living just fine without any of these problems so why are you making them exist when they can not?

Is that what I'm doing? Am I rewriting the actual story of my life into some sort of movie? Am I seizing every little moment and spinning it into its own dramatic tale by giving it meaning and a deep, underlying purpose? Am I exaggerating things, making my own problems and giving myself my own tragic backstory so I feel less... dull?

Maybe I am. But maybe that also doesn't matter.

I have to disagree with these words, because I refuse to believe that mundane and boring is all there is to life. Even if maybe that is all there is to it, I refuse to stop hoping for more, I refuse to stop reaching out for something bigger than me.

I have spent so many years now envisioning this amazing life that I am going to build for myself. Maybe my standards are too high, but life has so far left me bitterly disappointed. And I can't stand feeling like my life doesn't have meaning. So I project. I reach. I cut myself to remind myself that I can still bleed.

As I said, life happens within ourselves. And if we fail to react to life naturally and let ourselves experience it inwardly, we fail to find any significance. Even if that significance is something that comes from somewhere that's all in your head, it still is something we believe and we find meaningful and it doesn't matter if no one else agrees or sees it that way.

The worse thing about all this is that I actually believed it. I actually believed that what I was experiencing and feeling and all that happened really was all in my head. There is only one thing worse than listening to people doubt your sanity and that's listening to yourself having those same doubts.

I guess, sometimes, having everything happen exclusively in my head is necessary. It is necessary to save myself from the mundane, and to save myself from that tiny little voice in my head.

And really, sometimes we all twist reality into something more palatable, twist it to suit our own fantasies, because it's one way of getting by. It is one way for me to push away that cold, sinking feeling of numbness that resides within the hole in my chest.

Maybe I am overly dramatic, and maybe I am fucking insane, but you know what, I don't see anything wrong with that. Being this way is a reminder that I am invested in my life, and I care enough to hope for things to happen and to attribute some meaning to the seemingly ordinary. If you live life without going through the motions and letting yourself feel what you want to feel, and without acknowledging the things that mean something to you, then mundane and flat really is all you are ever going to get. And I know that I will never give up on my life having yet found that meaning.

Some days that is a comforting thought that helps me get through the day.

And maybe life isn't like the movies. But when you think about it, movies essentially are dramatizations of real life, no matter how closely they try to resemble it. That doesn't make the messages they send and the emotions that they evoke any less valid.

If I have learned anything in my 2 years in Singapore, 2 years which have been filled with so many great highs and terrible lows that I don't even know whether I'm grateful for them or not, I've learned that what you think and what you feel are yours and they are entirely, completely and 100% valid no matter what other people say.

It is only healthy for you to acknowledge that this is how you feel and to sort through those emotions no matter how broken or messed up they seem. And you shouldn't try to sweep everything under rug by trying to convince yourself that what you feel is stupid and telling yourself that you should not feel this way, because that would only be detrimental to your sanity. The last thing you want to do is to really believe that it is. All. In. Your. Head.

It becomes more uplifting in a way, after doubting yourself so much and thinking this is as good as it'll ever get, to finally reach a point where those feelings of numbness give way to optimism and hope because then you really convince yourself that things will get better, life will work itself out and life has something amazing in store for you.

But right now, I'm finding it hard to convince myself of that. Maybe I really am just this messed up and maybe that's all I'll ever be.

I don't know.

I. Don't. Know.

-- Karin Novelia, Desperate For Some Validation

[P.S. thank you for reading. Not that anyone actually reads this blog. I hope that you managed to benefit from what I was trying to say, minus all the angst and the fact that I probably stopped making sense like 10 paragraphs ago. Don't worry, I'll feel better soon. I always do. But for now I need to sort through this. I need to let go of this. I need to let go of this person. As much as I don't want to. But that's another story. I promise that more happier posts will come. Cheers.]