Never Enough

If you're new to this blog, then one simple fact that you should know about me is that I am the type of person who wants a lot out of life. And I mean, a lot.

Growing up, whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never had one solid answer. In my mind, I had this entire list of things I wanted to at least experience, at least try. Once I joined my school's dance crew in primary school, I started having these dreams of becoming a dancer. Once I started getting into reading fiction, I had these ideas of becoming a writer. I am starting to see that I am easily impressionable, at least when it comes to the positive (slightly glamourized?) side of things. If you show me how something, like a career path, can be fulfilling and gratifying in it's own way, then I might be persuaded to consider it.

Perhaps it is both a blessing and a curse, having this urge to do so much with your life that you become driven to go out there and go after your dreams. But it is also terrifying.

Newton's First Law of Motion goes a little something like this: an object at rest will remain at rest, and an object in motion will continue to move at a constant speed in a straight line. This is otherwise known as Law of Inertia -- the reluctance of something to change it's state of motion.

I am a person who has a lot of metaphorical inertia. When I start to slow down and lose interest in something, even for the briefest of moments, I find it a bit hard to get the engine started again. I have been there, at a point where things just felt pointless and meaningless and so I just stopped trying. But when I did find the urge to try again, I realized that I was emotionally and mentally stuck.

This is a state I try very hard to avoid. I do things to distract myself from those crippling emotions, even when they just creep up ever so slightly. I have been doing a good job of maintaining a decent amount of energy and highness lately, but... average levels are starting to feel insufficient.

I have always been wary of my expectations, and I spend quite a lot of time trying to moderate them, toning them down to save myself from disappointment. And that works, to a degree. But I'm starting to wonder if tempering my expectations is preventing me from reaching higher standards.

The other side of this inertia problem, is that once I get going, it find it very hard to stop. And contrary to what Newton believed, I don't move at a constant speed. I move at a constant acceleration, at with every little victory and accomplishment, I will always be left wanting more and I guess I'm just afraid that nothing will ever be enough. So I deny myself even the idea of more, because on the off chance that I actually do achieve more I don't want to risk my ego and my desire going out of control.

This fear, though reasonable, is also a bit irrational. Why the hell am I playing martyr and denying myself the very things I want out of life? Life is scary, life is tricky and life is definitely not easy. But being afraid and worrying about things, doesn't help either.

Feelings of fear and inadequacy aside, if I'm going to really start being the best me I can be, I need to be smart about it. I do have a tendency to spread myself thin, and though juggling so many things can be stressful and demanding, I actually believe that I can handle it. But being willing to take on so much and dedicating so much of your time to things that can classified as 'work' also means killing some of your darlings and sacrificing a lot of your 'me' time. I guess before I can take the next step, I need to decide how much I'm willing to give up in order to start meeting those 'high' standards of mine.

A lot of successful people are where they are now because they put in the time and the effort to do what was necessary, they put in the work and the practice to be masters at their craft and take advantage of their opportunities. That's a notion that gives me hope and motivation to actually go for this, but then I also realize that most of these people only really focus on one thing, that one thing that they are naturally good at. And I can't bring myself to choose just one thing.

And maybe I don't have to. At least, not yet.

It's unsettling. For a while now -- perhaps for far too long -- I have felt suffocated by my own indifference and apathy. And here we are, at the other side, and I don't know if this is better. Feeling dwarfed by the sheer enormity of my own ambitions.

Thinking about the future, I've decided not to quantify my life and see its value solely on the number of achievements I manage to attain. Instead I want to look back on my life and see the value of the richness of my experiences, good and even bad.

I used to think that being happy was the goal in life, y'know? The one goal I need to achieve to not die with any regrets. I think I need a little bit more than that. Happiness is good, but something about the concept also seems fleeting. What I need to search for is some peace of mind.

The path to reach that point, will be littered with obstacles. It will be an uphill battle, and maybe the only way to get some peace of mind isn't to realize all the dreams I have in my head. What I need to do is to at least try.

Who knows how this will turn out. By the time I find out, it will be too late to do anything about it.

Maybe this'll work.

Or maybe....

This'll never be enough.

--Karin Novelia, Having Enough With Being Stuck

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