Constant State of Boredom

Christmas holidays have come. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, since I knew I wouldn't be going out much. And as I'm writing this, I'm sitting at home. There's nothing good on TV, nothing to snack on, nothing new to watch, and absolutely nothing to do.

In the words of the great Sherlock Holmes: "Dull."

I've even spend the last two days, over the course of an all-nighter that lasted until 2 am, to work on a Mathematics book that a group of friends of mine are compiling for some volunteer work. After the whole AYC thing, of course, I'm determined to keep our action-plan going. We're planning on helping their education, mainly in Maths, by writing our own book designed to help them get through their National Exams.

But the point is, I just started off my holiday not relaxing but doing work. It's not really suprising to me. That when I have nothing to do, I get this intense urge to do something productive. And those urges completely override any wants of watching TV, reading, eating or even sleeping. The last two just slow me down.

When I get bored, which is often, my mind goes to some pretty deep places. I think about things that, I guess, no one my age barely considers. I have always felt like there's something more than this mundane ordinance. All I really want is to feel something, do something extraordinary with my life.

I often say that I feel caged. Undoubtedly, it's true. Do people really think they have the right to belittle me? Just because of what, I'm a kid? Whenever I see people with talent, charisma, beauty and resources, the things that many people don't get a privilege to have, throw all their opportunities away, it pisses me off. I envy them, and berate them for being so stupid, so lethargically unmotivated.

I can't help but feel the need to scream just to be heard. To let the 'adults' see that I'm just not a normal teenage girl. To let them see that I have the motivation, the right intentions, the will to push myself and become someone that maybe comes close to perfection. Someone who will do anything to help the world, help make things better. A moot point, though. Words prove little compared to actions, so I'm left with these lingering silent screams in my head. All the while, I'm just searching for a way to prove that I am something great. Proving it more to myself, than the world, as I'm beginning to realize.

While I was working on that Math book, I kept reading back the first pages I wrote, summarazing the standard National curriculum. I kept on thinking that it was sloppy, rushed and just... bad. Perhaps, due to the fact that I set a pretty high bar for myself. But when I showed a friend, he said he was very surprised. He wasn't expecting me to have done so much in so little time. He also commented that I'm "damn good". Maybe I'm a better person than I give myself credit for.

I have a tendancy of brushing off comments like that. Like when someone congratulates me or give me kudos on getting top scores in my class, or for making a paper mache sculpture of a snowman, I politely say "Thank you" but then think "It's no big deal". Which really, it isn't. It's like no matter how well I do here, in my current environment, there's always something bigger waiting out there. Something more stimulating, more challenging.

I read on a Tumblr post once a quote that roughly goes like this: "Intelligent people are often depressed about the world, because they're they few people who understand how it really works."

Depressed. Now, that's a world that seems to have been popping into my head awhile. Not just recently. Ever since I moved here, there's always been this feeling of not belonging and being on my own. Not to say that I'm intelligent, really I'm not. I mean my Finals this term seem to have taken a nose dive. I may not comprehend algebra, or the property of cylindrical quadilaterals, but I do have a thirst for knowledge. A thirst to find somekind of meaning in life, which is starting to seem more obscure by the second.

I want to know how the world works. I want to go out there and explore. I spend so many days in the classroom, resting my chin on my hands, rifling through textbooks which I've read in advance, thinking that I'm learning things without being shown how to put them to good use. I daydream, thinking that I can do so much better. Though I enjoy learning, this pace is just too slow. I keep imagining myself in a life, where I'm being the best I can be. And I want that, so bad.

But for now, I'm bored.

--Karin Novelia, Feeling Dull.


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