The Degree of Damage Done

A friend of mine, upon seeing a kiddie ride, pointed out on how as kids we were so fascinated by things like Barney the Dinosaur. As we grew up those perceptions of ours changed. We began to see how ridiculously illogical those childhood figures were. And though there's something to be gained by that maturity of thought, there's also something that's inevitably lost; our sense of wonder and naivety towards what is, essentially, a pretty daunting world.

I've come to realize that I am generally a sad person. I wasn't always like this. I am particularly aware that there was a turning point in my life, that moment when I decided to do a complete 180 and grow up, perhaps a bit too fast. I can't exactly remember when. Like most inner paradigm shifts, I know that the change happened, I just wasn't fully aware that it was happening at the time.

Most of my life consisted of changes and me adapting to these changes. I got so used to coping with things on my own, so by the time my 'coming-of-age' moment happened, when my child-like innocence was shattered, I found myself horribly lost and alone. And unlike many instances (depicted many times over in movies, biographies, documentaries) where the 'protagonist' is guided by some mentor-like figure, I had no one to catch me, no one to fall back on.

As far as unstable goes, I'm pretty messed up. And I'm not trying to make myself sound like a victim. If anything, those lonesome struggles have taught me something important.

How fucked up a person is, isn't so much determined by all the bad things that happen to them. You're only as fucked up as you allow yourself to be and it's simply a matter of choice to how badly you let the the degree of damage become.

So yeah. This is me, trying to control the damage. This is me trying to experience the world with arms wide open -- like a little kid.

(That was a crappy conclusion. I'm sorry)

But thanks for reading.

-- Karin Novelia, Wanting to Go On Kiddie Rides Again


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