My Emotions (Or Rather Lack Thereof)

I used to say I hated routine. It was predictable, unexciting and dull. Now however, I have changed my mind. Routine, I've learnt, can actually be quite nice. The sense of order and familiarity of doing something on a regular basis is grounding, calming. Still, there are sometimes when the routine starts feeling like a chore.

Take studying for example. It has been a love-hate relationship between me and this 'necessary' act that most people believe will greatly determine my future. After the June holidays (which was... enlightening, to say the least) I decided to really clean up my act and that included buckling down and accepting the fact that as much as I disliked it, I had to study, whole-heartedly and in an organized, regular basis. I definitely do not want to waste my time while I'm here.

I am glad to say that, so far, I have stood by that resolution. I've stopped procrastinating, I'm on top of my homework. I've even read ahead for some subjects.

I've never felt so... settled in my life. Sadly, I've also never felt so dead.

I feel like a robot. I do my work, I study. But I feel nothing from it. I've blocked out all sense of boredom and hesitation when it comes to work and hence can do it properly, but consequently, it seems I've numbed out any feelings of excitement in doing it.

I feel so uninspired.

I've felt so weird since I came to Singapore. I'm not sure why. Did I not feel ready to come back after coming home? No, not in the least. Then why?

What's happening, I'm beginning to suspect, is that I'm reverting to my unemotional self.

I decided to focus on work, even if that meant sacrificing some small pleasures. Even if that meant, sort of cutting off a relationship or two. And that's killing my spirit a bit, I think.

It's amazing how much can seemingly change in a week or two -- but, and this is a big one, what if the fallout was inevitable? It was one that was simple delayed, but bound to happen from the start. Simply because it doesn't work. Not from lack of trying, but just because.

I've thought and said quite a number of things this week that I guess you could classify as mean and bitchy. But the thing is, when I say these things I'm not sad, cynical or bitter. I feel practically nothing, and these things come out in an unemotional, robotic manner. They're logical, that's all. I haven't even talked about my feelings in the past two weeks, which is a bit of a record. Even as I write this blog post, it feels like I'm writing down observations than my actually feelings about things.

I don't know.

It's also getting pretty hard to get excited about things. Even when I do reach a decent level of highness, it fizzles out pretty quickly.

I feel so weird. I don't feel like myself anymore. Then again, I was never really sure who exactly 'me' was.

Perhaps this is just a phase. Just an adjustment.

All I know is that, I'm changing. In substantial, sometimes startling ways. For better or for worse, I can't tell.

Let's hope for the better.

-- Karin Novelia, Trying To Feel Something