Through The Rain-Stained Glass

To be honest, I've changed. Quite a lot really, when you think about it.

Perhaps, this is a good thing. On the other hand, maybe it isn't either.

When I was little I used to get along with everyone, making friends were easy back when you were four. Now, honestly, friendship has become complicated.

I always, and still believe that no matter  how horrible someone seems, there is a good side to them. Now, I'm starting to think, that maybe that's not always the case.

I've always believed of giving somone second chances, giving them the benefit of the doubt. Back then, it seemingly paid off. Now, I'm not sure if it's worth the trouble.

I used to be such a tomboy. The kind of girl that would rather shoot hoops with the guys than gossip about guys with the girls. Never thought about love that much. Again, it was easier to do that when you were little. And so much easier before I met you. Hehehe. ;)

Back then, I used to think that there was always people who supported me. Now, it looks like there are a lot more people who want to bring me down.

Back then, I was still the youngest child. I still got some attention, just like a kid should. Now, I'm the middle child, always looking after my brother and sister, sometimes being side-lined for the sake of their well-being. I used to love this 'job', now I'm not sure. :/

Use to think, that no matter how bad things seemed, everything would work out if I tried my best. Now, at best, I still cling onto that belief, but time and time again, I've been proven wrong.

I used to always speak my mind. I always would say the stupidest things, and people would go "Aw, how cute" and laugh. Cuz when you're little you're still allowed to make mistakes. Now, people might take things the wrong way, and blow things out of proportion. So I guess, I've learned to think before I speak. I've learned that maybe it's best to hold your tongue sometimes. Perhaps, at times, I've witheld to much?

They say change is part of growing up. You can't grow up without it.

Maybe it seems like my changes in perspective on the things I've written above are seemingly becoming more pessimistic. Well, maybe they are. But maybe, their just showing that I'm thinking more logically. Thinking more mature. The real world -- the one I'll face once I'm all grown-up -- isn't that much welcoming for a kid, right?

There's one thing, that I've started to realize though. Back then, in my old life, I guess you could call it, I've been a bit closed. I used to think that showing emotions -- sadness, anger, depression, envy -- was lame. That it showed I was weak.

Now, I still think the same way. Noone really cared when I did, so I see it as pointless.

But recently, things have been different. I've found myself opening up to other people. I've even cried in front of my friends (during AYC), and it's something I haven't done in a long time. When it happened, I couldn't help but hit myself. I thought things would start to be awkward. That when I looked at my friends, all they would remember was me in that moment. Fragile, weak... and vulnerable.

Surprisingly, they didn't. Well, maybe they did remember that moment. But because they did, I guess, I've let them into my personal bubble, given them a chance to know me better. They gotten a better look at who I am, and what gets to me. That didn't make them any less my friends. In fact, it's made them better friends, since now they know exactly what to do and when I need a helping hand or just a hug.

I think I've realized, that showing emotions isn't such a bad thing. That sometimes, it's okay to let those tears out. Seeing the world through tear-glazed eyes is like looking through the rain-stained glass of a window after a drizzle. The moist drops of water slightly obscure your view and the world becomes a little blurry, and for a moment your troubles seem a lot less small. Then the light shines at a certain angle, and the drops of water seem to shine, giving off their small glow.

And then, in this half-melancholic, half-calm state, you realize: the world is beautiful.

--Karin Novelia, Staring Out The Rain-Stained Glass