The Current State of Affairs

Hey. Hello. Hi.

Man, let me just be real here and say that this feels so fucking weird. It feels like I lost all sense of coordination in my fingers, and every click of the keyboard sounds like nails clawing on a chalkboard.


And I digress.

So, dear (probably imaginary) reader, a lot has changed since my last post which, surprisingly, was four months ago. four. fucking. months.

What exactly has happened in the span of those four months, you ask?

Let me sum it up for ya

In the space of four months, I have... :

1. Effectively dropped out of school.
2. Not given two fucks about that or anything much.
3. Felt like such a complete and utter horrible human being.
4. Not been sleeping or eating properly (you know being a functional human being basically).
5. Given up on this thing called 'social interaction'.
6. Been stuck at 'home' or as I like to call it 'a monster hell hole of a house'.
7. Not done even a fraction of the things I said I'd set out to do to 'improve myself' since I got back (and thus feeling like a shitty human being 87% of my waking hours).
8. Instead of addressing any feelings or fundamental problems with myself and the warped way I see the world, I just push them down and watch Korean variety shows instead (yes, I have fallen into that vortex)
9. Also, I have managed to bullshit to everyone you can imagine (even myself) that I am alright, I may have done things that could be classified as 'rash' and even 'insane' (i.e. dropping out of school without much warning), but that's alright, because I have a plan. I am a rational, functioning human being, who knows what she's doing and goddammit I have a plan. Even though that's not really true.

In summary: I have no fucking idea what I'm doing with my life. And after two and half months of lying on my ass, being 'depressed' (idk. maybe the root of the problem here is that i don't want to admit that), I have decided that enough is enough. 

And I know, I know. I've said this before. I have felt this way before. I have tried to do something about this before. And well, fuck. Here I am still stuck in the same place I've always been. And I am sick of  it, ladies and gentlemen.

Instead of going about this by trying to make small, gradual improvements, I've decided that my life needs a complete overhaul. A complete do over, a complete restart.

And it's scary. And exciting. Honestly, at this point, fear and excitement are such similar sensations that I just lump them into the same category.

Because what I'm saying is that I'm going to set a bulldozer on basically this crooked house that I've built these past 18 years. I'm going to set everything on fire, set it aflame until there is nothing left. And when the dust has settled and I'm left with nothing else, that's when I can begin. Begin to rebuild myself. Begin to rise from the ashes, this time with no guidelines or limitations to box me in.

It all starts here. With me, in front of my laptop, typing into this stupid blog that I both hate and love with a passion, tears streaming down my face, every ounce of pain, fear and frustration pouring out of me. Saying, I've had a enough.

And finally doing something about it.

It all starts here.

--Karin Novelia, i'm setting fire to the life that i know // let's start a fire everywhere that we go


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