What is guilt but the emotional manisfestations of our regrets? My impending move sure has let a few of those resurface. I can't help but look back at all that has happened. All the people I've met and spent time with. All the problems I had to deal with.
There are things that everyone wish they could change. Words they wish they could take back, things they wish they could undo.
Those feelings of guilt can't change all that. At a certain point, it's neccessary to feel guilty. It makes you aware of your mistakes and keeps you from repeating them.
But guilt can also be a paralytic. We blame ourselves too much that we wallow in our shame and self-pity. We feel so ashamed that we don't have the nerve to even talk about. We keep it to ourselves, piling within our hearts until it's blocked out all things positive.
Mr Chan, who teaches at SJI (Saint Joseph's Institution, the male half of the scholarship deal) gave the boys some early homework and I gladly checked it out myself. He directed us towards the BBC podcasts (the link here) called "60 second idea to improvee the world" specifically, the entitled "Guilty Blue Ribbon Moment".
A Jordanian writer named Fadia Faqir presents this idea: What if every morning, when you're feeling guilty, you'd tie a blue ribbon around your wrist/neck and leave the house wearing it? I find it compelling that this idea comes from a writer who lives in a restricted country, where some issues are even considered taboo to bring up.
This presents a new way of expressing guilt. You let it known without really saying it aloud yourself. People would obviously be aware of the blue ribbon. Whether they acknowledged or ignored it would be their decision.
But that's the thing about guilt. We prefer it to be ignored, left in the darkest corners of our mind. The one thing that's harder than letting yourself make a mistake, is admitting doing so.
But is ignoring the guilt really going to help? As hard as it is to talk about things that make us feel ashamed, this paradigm that we need to talk about things, might help normalise and eradicate those feelings. We'll see that everyone has does feelings, that everyone feels ashamed about something. And in the end, that might make us feel that we have nothing to be ashamed about at all.
Mr Chan posed some interesting questions for us to think about, making us think about things we feel guilty about. Moving to another country itself poses some interesting regrets. When I look back on my years here in Indonesia, I feel the need to compare them to my years in the Philippines. When I moved from there to Indonesia, I felt like I had to let go of the golden years. When I think about leaving Indonesia now I kinda feel... relieved.
Like I'm just getting out of a 5-year prison sentence.
Okay, I know that sounds a bit... extreme. But my time here wasn't really the best. In a way, I guess I should feel grateful. Adversity only makes you stronger right?
But the time constraints, create a different problem. I'd really like to leave with a clean slate. Get the red out of my ledger, as a special-skill-set agent once said. I'm leaving in 2 weeks. And that really doesn't feel like a lot of time. There are things to prepare, goodbyes that will ultimately be said. And perhaps, closure that needs to be felt, but I might not have the time to find.
Hmm...
There's also this other type of guilt. Guilt that we inflict upon ourselves when really, it's not even our fault. Fadia shared an experience of having a family member assaulted due to racial discrimination. She wasn't involved in the assault, the way she talks about makes me think she wasn't even there to witness it. But to a certain level, she felt guilty. She felt like she could've, should've done something about it.
There's one truth I know that terrifies me. There are just some things that are beyond your control. And even when the bad things that happen are the results of other people's doing, you still blame yourself. Because you know you're the only thing that you can fully control, and you know better than to blame everything else. This all strangely relates to a story between a boy, a girl and the blatant abuse of the Twitter site.
On another, more solemn note, I heard news today about a friend of a fellow scholar passing away due to cancer. I pray that her soul now finds peace and offer my condolences to those left behind.
Even when you barely know the person, a death will always make you reevaluate your life. This person's situation reminds of this movie called Third Star.
It stars Benedict Cumberbatch (who is known for his portrayal of Sherlock Holmes) as James, a cancer-ridden man with only a few months to live. In light of that recent realization, he decides to set off on a trip with his mates to his most favorite place in the world, Barafundle Bay.
The movie is poignant, moving and also revolves around the topic of 'guilt'. A guilt of a life not lived to the fullest. A guilt of not having enough time to say goodbye.
Things became all the more heart-breaking when (spoiler alert) James walked into the bay waters with no intention of coming back. And it wasn't because he lost hope. The past few days showed him that life is truly something beautiful. He didn't want the cancer to take his life, take away his freedom of choice. He wanted to beat the cancer. And he was ready to say goodbye.
Sadness is an inevitable thing. Everyone experiences it at some point in there lives. Sometimes I go looking for it, sadistic as that may seem. I see it as a thing that needs to be found, to be felt and understood. Only then can we value true happiness, when we dare to dive into that sadness.
But like James in those waters of Barafundle Bay, it is a choice of our own making whether or not we let ourselves drown.
Just some food for thought. Thanks for reading.
--Karin Novelia
A Jordanian writer named Fadia Faqir presents this idea: What if every morning, when you're feeling guilty, you'd tie a blue ribbon around your wrist/neck and leave the house wearing it? I find it compelling that this idea comes from a writer who lives in a restricted country, where some issues are even considered taboo to bring up.
This presents a new way of expressing guilt. You let it known without really saying it aloud yourself. People would obviously be aware of the blue ribbon. Whether they acknowledged or ignored it would be their decision.
But that's the thing about guilt. We prefer it to be ignored, left in the darkest corners of our mind. The one thing that's harder than letting yourself make a mistake, is admitting doing so.
But is ignoring the guilt really going to help? As hard as it is to talk about things that make us feel ashamed, this paradigm that we need to talk about things, might help normalise and eradicate those feelings. We'll see that everyone has does feelings, that everyone feels ashamed about something. And in the end, that might make us feel that we have nothing to be ashamed about at all.
Mr Chan posed some interesting questions for us to think about, making us think about things we feel guilty about. Moving to another country itself poses some interesting regrets. When I look back on my years here in Indonesia, I feel the need to compare them to my years in the Philippines. When I moved from there to Indonesia, I felt like I had to let go of the golden years. When I think about leaving Indonesia now I kinda feel... relieved.
Like I'm just getting out of a 5-year prison sentence.
Okay, I know that sounds a bit... extreme. But my time here wasn't really the best. In a way, I guess I should feel grateful. Adversity only makes you stronger right?
But the time constraints, create a different problem. I'd really like to leave with a clean slate. Get the red out of my ledger, as a special-skill-set agent once said. I'm leaving in 2 weeks. And that really doesn't feel like a lot of time. There are things to prepare, goodbyes that will ultimately be said. And perhaps, closure that needs to be felt, but I might not have the time to find.
Hmm...
There's also this other type of guilt. Guilt that we inflict upon ourselves when really, it's not even our fault. Fadia shared an experience of having a family member assaulted due to racial discrimination. She wasn't involved in the assault, the way she talks about makes me think she wasn't even there to witness it. But to a certain level, she felt guilty. She felt like she could've, should've done something about it.
There's one truth I know that terrifies me. There are just some things that are beyond your control. And even when the bad things that happen are the results of other people's doing, you still blame yourself. Because you know you're the only thing that you can fully control, and you know better than to blame everything else. This all strangely relates to a story between a boy, a girl and the blatant abuse of the Twitter site.
On another, more solemn note, I heard news today about a friend of a fellow scholar passing away due to cancer. I pray that her soul now finds peace and offer my condolences to those left behind.
Even when you barely know the person, a death will always make you reevaluate your life. This person's situation reminds of this movie called Third Star.
It stars Benedict Cumberbatch (who is known for his portrayal of Sherlock Holmes) as James, a cancer-ridden man with only a few months to live. In light of that recent realization, he decides to set off on a trip with his mates to his most favorite place in the world, Barafundle Bay.
The movie is poignant, moving and also revolves around the topic of 'guilt'. A guilt of a life not lived to the fullest. A guilt of not having enough time to say goodbye.
Things became all the more heart-breaking when (spoiler alert) James walked into the bay waters with no intention of coming back. And it wasn't because he lost hope. The past few days showed him that life is truly something beautiful. He didn't want the cancer to take his life, take away his freedom of choice. He wanted to beat the cancer. And he was ready to say goodbye.
Sadness is an inevitable thing. Everyone experiences it at some point in there lives. Sometimes I go looking for it, sadistic as that may seem. I see it as a thing that needs to be found, to be felt and understood. Only then can we value true happiness, when we dare to dive into that sadness.
But like James in those waters of Barafundle Bay, it is a choice of our own making whether or not we let ourselves drown.
Just some food for thought. Thanks for reading.
--Karin Novelia
