Change of Perspectives (#Blogmas: Day 9)

Hey-o!

I am actually in a bit of an emotional state right now as I write this. And really, I'm just not sure how I'm gonna write this post. Just excuse any weird, incoherent remarks, yeah?

Well, as is quite obvious in the topic of my recent blog posts, I am a bit obsessed with Youtube right now. And this post will also revolve around that (if you're bored with me mentioning it, I'm sorry. But even you must be intrigued by this magical land called Youtube, right? XD).

Anyways.

One Youtuber who, although isn't the first Youtuber I watched, is the one I am most obsessed with, like in a die-hard loyal fan kind of way, is Connor Franta.

I have mentioned Connor briefly before (well, I sort of titled the post after him) over here.

And I guess to recap, when I started getting sucked back in to the Youtube vortex, I watched this Tyler Oakley video that was a collab with Connor Franta, entitled "Whispering Awkward Pick-Up Lines" and my mind, my eyes, practically my entire being, just focused on this Connor Franta character.

He seemed unfamiliar but vaguely familiar at the same time. His face was new to me, but I somehow felt like I had seen him before. So I looked him up and then it hit me. This was the same guy from O2L, aka Our 2nd Life, a collab channel between 6 Youtubers who each take turns posting daily videos. About 2 years ago, mid 2012, before I went off to Singapore to study, I was in this window period where I had nothing to do, and I started getting into Youtube.

I wasn't exactly a regular user of it, but I just spent a lot of time falling into a vortex and discovering weird, quirky videos that I thought were good or funny or whatever. That's when I discovered O2L, but sadly I dropped the Youtube thing once I moved to Singapore (cuz internet there sux and was limited) and went on a 2 year hiatus.

And it felt like serendipity really, that what was becoming a budding obsession with Youtube was suddenly reignited by the same person: Connor Franta. In that way, Connor is really special to me and I have watched all of his videos, follow him on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. Basically I am big fan.

However, when I did start to get into him again, there was this one question I couldn't help but asking: Is he gay? I am a huge fan of quite a few gay people (is this a worrying trend for me? lol idk) like Chris Colfer, Eli Lieb, Tyler Oakley, Matt Bomer and Troye Sivan, etc. etc. And so whether he was gay or not didn't matter to me. But I have pretty good gay-dar, and I was curious and just needed to know.

And after much digging, even though I was pretty sure that Connor Franta is probably gay, I learn that he is not. He has said so a few times in videos. And even though a lot of people suspect that he's gay, he just laughs it off and says that he's not. He's even dated girls quite a few times. Pretty convinced that he is straight at this point.

Fast forward to today, December 9th (or December 8th really over in America) and it's another Frantastic Monday and time for Connor to release a new video. I open up my phone all excited and find out that it's entitled, "Coming Out".

I literally freeze up and after quite a while, I come to and regain movement. I throw my phone away from me (onto my bed, thank god) because I am freaking out. I have no idea whether he means coming out as in coming out of the closet, or he's trolling us somehow (because he did do that in a previous video, where he misled us into thinking he was gonna come out, only to pass it off as an April Fool's joke).

After gathering some courage, I took a deep breathe and watched it. And he was serious. He really did come out. It is official, ladies and gentlemen: Connor Franta is gay.

Now, don't jump to conclusions to what I'm gonna say next year. I am not upset over the announcement because I am heartbroken over the fact that what was a slim but still existent chance to end up with Connor Franta has now been reduced to a giant zero (well okay maybe a little but don't judge).

Let me try to explain this the best that I can, because I can't even fully understand it myself yet.

I was both shocked yet unsurprised by Connor's announcement. It did make sense in my head, but my heart was a wreck, because to me, I just felt like my reality was not just shaken but completely shattered.

Like I said, from the moment I first saw him, I had this strong suspicion that he was gay. You could just tell from the way that he acted, that there was a possibility that he could actually be gay. But once I was convinced he wasn't, I really liked the notion that this was a guy who was sort of breaking the stereotype. Not all somewhat flamboyant boys with high-pitched voices and good fashion sense had to be gay. And who says, a guy can't be straight and slightly feminine as well?

So yeah, he was sort of living proof to that idea. Which was wrong, apparently. (Let's be honest here, I have every right to be at least a little pissed off that all the eligible bachelors are gay lol). So that idea was shattered.

And here's another reason that I love Connor Franta. On video, you can tell that his video persona is something that is a bit different from how he is in real life. Connor is a very private person, but somehow you can still feel a sense of authenticity from him. Sure, when he's doing a skit and making funny noises, that is Connor Franta, doing his thing and you know, performing. But there are other parts that shine through in his videos, like when's he giving advice on how to be yourself and to love yourself for who you are, you can really tell that he means it. And to me, he is just a kind-spirited, genuine person, who is good on the inside.

Here's where it gets a bit twisted. So, based on my description of him, you can sort of say that Connor has two personalities.

There's his Youtube persona, the part of him that can let go of his inhibitions and sort of 'act' a certain a way. A flamboyant way, and really the way Connor acts in his videos is the very reason why a lot of people thought he was gay.

And then the other side, is him in real life. Slightly reserved, more serious than silly, a deep thinker but is still the chill, funny dude that everyone likes to hang out with. And in a weird way, you associate that less flamboyant side of him with being 'straight' or certainly at least, not outwardly gay.

I thought that the first personality, was his persona, a sort of front that he put up on camera while the second one was what he was really like. Straight and sort of cool and level-headed. But the fact that he's gay sort of flips that whole thing around. The way he acted on camera, was actually him being himself. It was his natural self that he felt he couldn't fully be in real life, so he let himself 'pretend' to be that way when he was on camera. And his cool guy side was really just him, feeling afraid to be who he really was and feeling held back by that fear and feeling like he had to hide that real part of himself.

And I guess that's what hits me the most. Even though I was aware that Connor always had his guard up about something (when he left O2L he said in his farewell video that he was feeling unhappy and wasn't living up to standards on O2L, so I figured, as with many other fans, that depression was his personal shadow), to realize that there was a deeper underlying thing to his depression and that thing was actually his sexuality, something he has denied and try to suppress so many times already, it just makes my heart hurt. So damn much.

He is so anxious and vulnerable in his Coming Out video (which I suggest you go watch if you haven't already because I put the link above, and here it is again if you need to be persuaded) and is close to tears by the end of it. And it just made me realize how much he must've been struggling on the inside, and the fact that anybody, especially when it is someone I support whole-heartedly, has to go through so much pain when it doesn't have to be that way, makes me angry and makes me upset.

And I guess what's shaken me the most about this is the fact that you never really know what's going on inside a person's head, even if it's someone you feel like you know well. And this might sound weird, because Connor Franta has no fuckin' idea who I am, but I just feel like I personally connect with him, and know him well through his videos.

When you think about it I do know him pretty well. My suspicions on him being gay (at least initially) and him having an internal struggle, turned out to be true. And I can't help but think that if I didn't let myself be convinced so easily that he was straight in the first place, this probably wouldn't have phased me as much as it does.

So why did I easily believe Connor Franta was straight in the first place? That is a question with quite an interesting answer. Quite frankly, I believed that Connor Franta was straight because Connor Franta said so himself. I can't explain it but because it was Connor, I believed that he would be completely honest with his viewers, or at least as honest as he would allow himself to be with them. So I took him for his word, and gave him the benefit of the doubt, the same way you would do so with one of your best friends.

I mean, if a close friend of yours, who you strongly suspect is gay, spends a lot of time insisting and trying to convince you that they aren't gay, you would believe them because they're your friend. You wouldn't say, "No, you're not," and risk offending or worse, scaring the shit out them that you fight and fall out or something.

I don't know. I hope I don't come off as stupid or as a deranged fangirl, obsessed with a guy she found out is gay.

I gave Connor the benefit of the doubt, and at least for me personally, I welcomed any attempts on his part to be honest about it when he felt like he finally could. And now he has. He has come out and in a way, I feel touched that he felt like he had to be honest to his viewers and I feel grateful that we mean so much to him for him to do that. Because what he did, coming out in the public eye in front of millions and millions of people on the internet, is not only scary but also brave and courageous. And I also feel very proud of him for that.

The fact that Connor Franta is gay in no way, lessens my affection for him. In fact, it has made me love him even more. I am so, so, so happy for Connor and I'm glad that he has now reached a point in his life where he has completely accepted himself for who he his and will continue doing what he's been doing, and hopefully be more at peace and happy in the future. I see him continuing to do great and amazing things with his life.

And I'm glad I'll be there to see him do it.

Thanks for reading. (seriously, thank you, it must have not been easy reading that, but i'm grateful you took the time to understand my thoughts and hopefully you'll get something out of it -- and not that i am an overly obsessed fangirl [which i kinda am but that's besides the point])

--Karin Novelia, Wishing The World Was A Bit More Accepting (and also wishing you'd watch connor's coming out video -- it is touching and moving, and just go watch it, okay?)